The Philippines has one of the simplest cuisines in the world, and much of what passes for food in this country would gag a drunken Scotsman.
Filipinos don't mind eating something that is looking at them. In fact, studies show that dining is more pleasurable when you see the animals' last pitiful expression of sorrow and torment while it is viciously tortured before finally being slaughtered by some fat butcher named Fredo.
When preparing meat, just deep fry the motherfucker in a vat of lard, and there you go! Philippine cuisine involves killing pigs (as violently and slowly as possible) and roasting them pagan-banquet style.
Pretty much anything organic served with genetically-modified white rice and a spoon is considered a meal.
Filipino cuisine must always be cheap and contain as much cholesterol, fat, sodium, and GMOs as possible. Well, at least you'll die happy from the stroke.
Dishes[edit | edit source]
- Adobo is the most accepted and most uniform way to prepare meat by cooking the poor animal in its own bodily juices. Almost anything can be made "adobo" including dogmeat but that's one way of getting rid of the damn stray dog (and cat) problem. This dish also made a controversy as many Conspiracy Theorists believe that "Too much Chicken Adobo make Taba Soso" meaning that an overdose of this
Drugdish will enlarge breasts. That is why so many women enjoy this dish at the local canto.
- Lechon Baboy is basically a
large big ridiculously massivemedium sized HogzillaPig roasted over Satan's fiery breatha campfire the size of USA. The pig is first stabbed/shot/asploded/raped repeatedly all over the body until it is dead (usually over 600 stabs, 5000+65234/25 minigun/Apache gunshots 1 million asplosions and 50,000 rapefesting are needed in total to kill the beast, sometimes a grenade is put in the mouth for an easier process). As Filipino tradition, the blood is not wasted and is kept in beer bottles to sell as authentic Strawberry Juice or Mirinda with added extra sulfuric acid. The pig usually has a Pineapple/grenade attached to it's mouth so that the taste of the food in the mouth is imparted all over the body. Vitamin C is also transferred while cooking as a process of HACCP and removal of Gamma Particles for a healthy life. As tasty as this dish is however, it is actually the most dangerous food in the galaxy as a study shows that 99.99% of heart attacks in the Philippines are caused by eating too much of this Drugdish. Muslims think this is "Haram" but really, who gives a fuck?
- Dinuguan is an appalling dish consisting of pig's blood and shredded pig offal (usually ears) that no Filipino really likes. However, because the Filipino has a deep-seated aversion to throwing out any food no matter how inedible, most feel compelled to try it. The Muslims in the south find this disgusting and Haram but they're Muslim and nobody cares what they think.
- Pancit is usually made of thin noodles as greasy as possible and add assortment of random meats like pork (as always), beef, chicken, shrimp, rat, etc. A good pancit should have no flavor. A " great pancit" should taste like burnt garlic.
"Tuyo" is dried salted fish fried in oil. The distinctive aroma is the reason why Nipa huts, originally invented with four solid walls, were later built with windows. Tuyo with eggs and rice is a breakfast staple. Nothing like starting your day smelling like the ocean's toilet.
- Dogs have been known to disappear in the Philippines and reappear cooked and skeletonized. More popularly known as Azucena. Hey, we're not exactly first world here.
- Ratsilog is deep fried sewer rat with garlic fried rice and a fried egg. Served at Jollibee with fried coffee.
- They'll deep fry your T-shirt in Jollibee if you ask nicely. Or sometimes if you don't ask at all, and that includes while you're still wearing it.
- 90% of all cell phones snatched near Colon Street in Cebu wind up in the deep fryer at the local Jollibee, where Nokiasilog is a particularly sought-after delicacy. Followed closely by Motorolasilog and Sonyericssonsilog.
- Balut is a premature/aborted duck chick/fetus still in its shell. It is used by most Filipinos as an initiation tool for poor foreigners who don't know what it is. It is also the reason that abortion issues are still being debated in the country.
- Chicharon Bulaklak is deep-fried pig foreskin with salt. Best served with spicy vinegar.
- Ispageti (Filipino-style spaghetti) is one of the popular dishes in the country. You can catch this delectable dish at kids' birthday parties, town fiestas and at funeral wakes. Its sauce consist mostly of sugar, sliced red (yes, RED!!!) hotdogs, a gallon of banana catsup (that's Filipino ketchup), ground pork (Again! Or beef, or chicken, or ground earthworms, or whatever.), filled cheese, and hardly any tomato sauce. The noodles should be super soggy (al dente noodles are for homos). It's so popular that you can actually buy this popular treat at McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Pizza Hut, Carl's Jr., Popeye's, KFC, El Pollo Loco, Starbucks, TGI Fridays and at ACE Hardware Stores nationwide.
Beverages[edit | edit source]
- Lambanog is distilled liquor made of coconut sap that is usually 70% alcohol and 30% enriched plutonium. The more the alcohol content and the faster it shuts down the brain the better. A lambanog hangover is a fate worse than death.
- Beer na Beer is a beer whose name can transliterated to "It's really beer!" Is the leading cause of pedestrian accidents in the country; peds drunk off it have been reported to have an urge to hump incoming cars. Makes excellent Molotov cocktails too!
- San Mig Light is, according to most Filipinos, the greatest beer in the world. It's basically sewage water diluted with expired Budweiser to make it taste like a light beer. If you get drunk off it, you will feel a sudden burst of adrenaline that makes you want to take off your clothes and run around naked.
Desserts[edit | edit source]
- Tahô is a tasteless mixture of bean curd and tapioca balls. Usually drizzled with blackstrap molasses (the one they feed horses with) to make this hippie crap tolerable.
- Tae ng Kalabaw (literally, Bullshit) is a very popular dessert. Made from brown carabao milk, it was discovered by the Spaniards in 1592. It it now enjoyed in Spain as the chocolate bar known as Filipinos.
- Sorbetes or dirty ice cream, is homemade ice cream sold on the street. As the name implies it is 'dirty' and god-knows-what else is in that thing. One look at the scary hobo that usually sells this stuff and you bet you would get, like, fifty infections tops.
- LeChe Flan is also a very popular dessert. "LeChe" in English means "made of shit", which coincidentally, is made of shit. The main ingredients are animal shit, Jell-O, and any other weird shit of choice.
- Halo-halo is a dessert where red beans, lima beans, Mr. Bean, jizz, coconut husks, bamboo shoots, dead batteries, and paint thinner are mixed in a bowl. A couple of dirty ice cream scoops and a slab of LeChe Flan are often topped to make it "special" (whatever that meant).
- Puto, small rice cakes, is not to be confused with the Spanish word for George W. Bush.
- Ube, a huge, glowing purple yam. It's "enriched" to produce a diabetes-inducing jam substance akin to uranium yellowcake. It's also the best-selling ice cream flavor among Filipinos, and yes, it's PURPLE!!!!