Computer shop

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This article may be Overly Filipino

It is all Spain's fault.

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Typical shithole computer shop. Note the insulation added on the windows. It keeps the room temperature to a comfotable 98 degrees centigrade, and blocks the view of naked children outside who are oblivious to the existence of computers.


~ DoTa noob on everyday communication

A "Computer Shop" is the Pinoy slang term for an internet cafe, or simply just a complete shithole filled with shitty computers with crackheads and pantless kids operating them. Computer shops are rapidly spreading throughout the Philippine archipelago, so long as they are in demand. Their customers are, in majority, illiterate in both English and computer usage. The chaos and disorderliness of a computer shop is compared mostly to a badly-kept zoo filled with monkeys throwing their shit at each other.

Computer shops are native only in the Philippines. Some Chinese people built some establishments in their country, added computers and lured retards in the aforementioned stores, but these shops do not qualify as genuine computer shops. It just doesn't sound right[citation needed].

History[edit | edit source]

Chuck Norris himself has approved and participated in the construction of computer shops across the Philippines.

The original computer shop is actually the first internet cafe established in the Philippines, by some Caucasian fuck named Shithead McFuck. McFuck travelled to the Philippines one day during the early 90's, in search for easy-to-carry and cheap bitches to be his whores-slash-maids in his secluded private island somewhere in the Bahamas (Pinay bitches are easy to acquire due to their tendency to do all they can to be in the company of white people). He acquired his busload of bitches, however, he does not have a phone, and phone coverage in the Philippines is shitty and untrustworthy during the time. McFuck will have to rely on e-mail to call his yacht chaffeur to pick him up, but there were no computers. So he stole some nearby iron, aluminum, copper, silicon from a mine, ate them, then shit them out to create computers for his computer shop. He then created a satellite dish, together with a satellite to orbit the Earth, then hired Chuck Norris (by trading his mother) to roundhouse kick the satellite into Earth's orbit. The kick was a success, and now the satellite serves as the Internet for the rest of the Filipino people, even today.

McFuck originally used just one computer to send an e-mail which read, "Got the bitches. Get over here, you dumb motherfucker." to his chaffeur. He then wondered what to do with the rest of the computers that spawned forth from his anus. McFuck took some mud, ate them, then shit them out to create mud bricks. Together with Chuck Norris again (paying the God with two of the bitches he kidnapped acquired earlier), they built an establishment which caters to retards living in the Payatas area somewhere in Manila. The business turns out to be a success; and now dumb assholes wearing gay trucker hats who thinks they're "gangster", and oblivious to the fact that they're gay and that gangsters do not exist fill the computer shop to the brim.

The number of computer shops in the Philippines created by McFuck and Chuck Norris.

With a massive buttfuck orgy amassing inside his computer shop because of too many retards filling it, McFuck created another computer shop using the same procedure mentioned earlier. It turns out it wasn't enough, and it was filled to its maximum capacity upon its opening. McFuck created another, and another, until there were over 9000 computer shops scattered all over Manila and all over the Philippines. But still, it wasn't enough. It has been known that McFuck (together with Chuck Norris) is still building computer shop after computer shop after this day.

Computers[edit | edit source]

Typical computer in a typical computer shop after usage of typical computer shop customer.

A majority of the Filipino people have not grasped basic knowledge in computer technology, as such, most computer shops are not equipped with computers that can run Doom on a 320x240 resolution. It has been noted however, that DoTa comprises of over 87% of computer usage in a typical computer shop. Analysts are baffled about how the fuck these guys could play Warcraft 3 on such shitty machines, however, one Filipino computer shop'er once said during an interview, "Putang inang yan bobo kayo mga amerikano weak", which, when translated to English (thanks to the Filipino guy who knew English that we enslaved earlier), "0.001FPS is good enough for us to enjoy."

A common computer shop "computer" is made of the following:

  • A common Filipino retard's brain for a processor, which, if converted to processor power, is equal to 0.0000000069... nanohertz.
  • A "Made in China" motherboard
  • A video card incapable of delivering any sort of graphics whatsoever. Not even plain text.
  • A hard drive whose total capacity equals 2 microbytes.
  • USB Ports so that Conflicker-infected thumb drives can spread the happiness.
  • Chinese intenet aka "that fucking slow internet that goes 0.001kbps and has an average ping of over 9000 seconds, even when the two computers are a meter apart from each other.

Things to do in a computer shop[edit | edit source]

Typical DoTa player, leaving a typical computer shop after losing a recent typical Dota game.

There are many things to do in a computer shop, but the most popular (according to a recent McFuck-Chuck Norris survey) are as follows:

  • Play Dota (however, it is impossible to win)
  • Watch porn (watch out though, penis-less retards will immediately run to your direction and stare at the screen mindlessly, oblivious at what is going on)
  • Browse the Internet. Prepare tents and food and water that will last for two months because the 14kb home page will take two months to load.
  • Go to Facebook. Be wary of friend requests from Pinay jailbaits.
  • Bitch the owner at how shitty the computers are. There is a 101% chance that Chuck Norris will appear and roundhouse kick you out of your existence in the Universe.
  • Attempt to fix the shitty computers[This is impossible].
  • Play lousy flash games designed for children with attention span problems. It's the only games you can play on a higher FPS (0.1fps, compared to 0.001 while on Warcraft 3).

Customers[edit | edit source]

Typical computer shop customer.

Common customers of your everyday Filipino computer shop include:

  • Dota noobs: The most common customer of a computer shop, also the most arrogant, most retarded and the one who wastes the most time inside. They primarily play DoTa (and not win), however, in some cases they tab into their Friendster and Facebook profiles and pretend to interact with girls to hide their impotency.
  • 5 year olds: 5 year olds are usually harmless in an internet cafe. They usually mind their own businesses while jacking off to shitty flash games at or wherever kids go and get their daily dosage of porn flash games nowadays.
A typical female Facebook user away from its natural habitat. Note the epic expression on the typical bystander's face.
  • Friendster-Facebook jailbait: the Friendster (or Facebook) jailbait are typically female, its age range being 10-24 years of age. The only websites they go on the Internet are Friendster, Facebook, Imageshack, glitter graphics websites and emo or pink layout websites. Also obsessed with Yahoo messenger and will annoy the fuck out of anyone unfortunate enough to be on their friends list.
  • Know-it-all: The know-it-all is the type of customer who walks in and complains about everything on the computer shop's machines - from its 640x480 resolution, its shit-laden keyboard, its diversity of over 9000 different kinds and species of viruses and worms, the lack of games they want and the computer's failure to even run 10fps on Starcraft at the lowest settings. Respected by most, hated by Dota Noobs.
  • Illiterate: The typical illiterate is most likely middle-aged or older. They have absolutely no idea about using computers and must be kept away from anything digital at all costs. They are the arch nemesis of the Know-it-alls, since Illiterates are mainly dependent on annoying the fuck out of Know-it-alls for basic computer usage.

See Also[edit | edit source]