“I outlived the bitch; now she has to pay!”
~ Imelda Marcos on Corazón Aquino“I outlived the bitch. I rule!”
~ Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo on Corazón Aquino
Her Royal Highness Corazón "Cory María Madre La Hacienda Luisita Kilayko Eng Bee Tin Hopia" Cojuangco Aquino was the second evil queen of the Philippines and the only Asian monarch to have been shoved head-first into power by a vindictive and sweat-stenched street mob. Her reign is the shortest among the Philippine queens, and is also known as the most memorable due to the fact that she has a disgusting excuse for a daughter, who's also an actress and game show host, and whom you can order at a 20% discount if you call within the first five minutes.
Catapult into Power
Cory (as she is endearingly called by all 24 of her loyal fans) began her ascension into the Coconut Throne when God decided in 1983 that he would off her husband, just for the lulz. As a Catholic housewife, Cory was allergic to Windex fumes, so she decided not to blame God but someone in the government instead. In 1986, she bitch-slapped Imelda Marcos with a stiff overstaying fine at the Malacañáng Palace, and crowned herself Queen. The heart-ripping scene of the coronation was much like how Napoleon crowned himself emperor of France; only she was three feet taller and she had twice his balls, and five times the length of his dick. Her reluctant leadership was eventually honored by Time Magazine when she was proclaimed Burger King's Employee of the Month.
In the course of six years Corazón Aquino has successfully achieved the following milestones:
- Set all prisoners free as her first act as queen (no shit), thereby assuring that Hello Kitty would never set foot on Philippine soil again.
- Spent five hundred bucks to put the face of her zombified husband on, well, five hundred bucks. After which, she...
- ...went on an insane renaming spree, also in honor of her husband, starting with the Laglag Bala International Airport (formerly Manila International Airport), all the way to Metro Manila's highways and streets.
- Angered both the Americans AND the Soviets, making her an invaluable asset for Taiwan's inevitable invasion of the country.
- Spearheaded a treasure hunt in Intramuros in an attempt to pay off the country's debt interest.
- First person to be zombified by Baby Jesus in 2009, when she received bowel cancer from God a year earlier, killing her in agony.
- First woman to actively participate in the burning of the Cathars during the Spanish Inquisition.
- Consumed the entire Philippine power grid (and half of Singapore's) to keep her daughter under maximum security during the latter half of her reign.
- Proclaimed the Catholic Church the official church of all local basketball teams.
- Birthed MC Hammer, in effect accelerating Nibiru's expected flyby and assuring the free world that the dreaded Rapture would come earlier than expected.
Corazón Aquino and Catholicism
The Queen has shown herself to be a fully-devout boot-licking Catholic, so much so that in the second half of her reign she insisted that she become Pope because, dammit, she's a woman and she'll kick your ass if you don't let her be one! Contraceptive devices such as condoms were banned during her reign, and anybody caught with any such paraphernalia was publicly and indefinitely flogged until they confessed their sperm-blocking sins to a duly tax-registered cleric.
In 1990, Aquino put into legislation a law that made Catholic Sunday Mass mandatory, especially for teenage girls. The legislation, signed into law as an Executive Order at the latter half of the year, unwittingly spawned the Spanish-American War and angered the very earth itself, triggering the eruption of ten more inland volcanoes believed to be dormant. The widespread chaos Aquino unwittingly caused forced her to repeal the order, right after she finished fellating Mikhail Gorbachev during a bathroom break at the Cold War peace talks.
It was also during Aquino's reign that the Virgin Mary decided to take a brief stopover from her world tour in a small rural town north of Manila, making sure that the sun danced exactly the way that Jamiroquai didn't when she landed. Baby Jesus's mother's publicity managers didn't approve of her decision, however, so she decided to send a clone instead. The masses were nevertheless bedazzled by her star-studded flyby, and they commemorated her short visit by renaming Japan after her.
Death and Zombification
On August 1, 2009, Corazón Aquino was quietly whisked away by Zombie Jesus in a hospital after she was penalized with ass cancer a year earlier. Her zombification, highlighted by the ceremonial digestion of her yellowish embalmed brain, was attended by thousands of the living dead. Bits of her flesh can now be bought at a discounted price on eBay (offer good while supplies last).
Kris Aquino: The Disgusting First Daughter
Corazón Aquino's daughter Kris was born on the night of a full moon, fully grown and covered in different textures of semen, to the dismay of the her ancestors both living and undead. Had it not been for the crowds that raised Cory to queenhood, the royal household would have most likely thrown the princess into a garbage bin and left her for the wolves—but chances are they wouldn't touch this slutty bitch with a ten-foot pole, too.
Growing up thinking that a prince would come to court her and marry her off in some distant fairy-tale-ass kingdom where she could live happily ever after, Kris was instead visited by different witches who wanted to use her body parts for ingredients. The closest that Kris would come to having a prince as a husband was a crossed-eyed ghetto basketball player with no thinking skills whatsoever. They are still together under strict quarantine. Meanwhile, Kris hosts her own talk show and regularly fools peasants into selling their souls to her in Wheel of Fortune.