Tourism in the Philippines
"It's more fun in the Philippines!" (Damn right, Duh!)
The Philippines is a great country to visit with lots of places to go to, sights to see, activities to experience and culture to be amazed of. Life in this country is amazing, there's so much freedom and restriction, surprises and bitterness at the same time. If you're bored with your day to day lifestyle in your country then try having a change for a while.
Are you tired of the routinary things you do in your country today? Is your life in your country boring? Are you prohibited to litter, pee on the side of the streets, spit anywhere, cross the streets anytime and anywhere and other stuff? Have you ever experienced being robbed or kidnapped, or join a rally against the government instead of working? Then you are missing a lot in your life.
If you would like to experience a new thrill in life, the Philippines is the country to visit.
Leisure and Activities (which are way more fun in the Philippines)[edit | edit source]
Littering[edit | edit source]
Have you ever wanted to try throwing a soda can out in the streets but were afraid that you might get caught? Then visit the Philippines! In this country nobody would mind, not even the authorities. You could even throw a whole garbage can anywhere and nobody would care. Just be careful not to do it in Makati, since the authorities there are a bit of a "kill joy" and not true full-blooded Filipinos - so they don't want you to have the pleasure of your well-deserved littering experience.
Jaywalking[edit | edit source]
Have you ever crossed the streets where it says "No Jaywalking"? In the Philippines it's quite normal to cross the road anywhere, anytime and at any location that suits you. You'll feel the thrill and the rush while playing daredevil in avoiding those fast moving vehicles. The best place to cross is C5, it's parallel to EDSA and is one of the busiest highways in Metro Manila with no pedestrian overpass available, so the only alternative is to jaywalk. Jaywalking is a must try activity in the Philippines, especially when there's a sign that says 'Bawal tumawid, nakamamatay'.
Death Bus Riding[edit | edit source]
One of the joys of traveling to the provinces is riding in a 40 year old bus with a driver who probably has had both eyes gouged out and his right foot replaced with something that resembles a boulder. Every conceivable space is filled with children, live chickens, vegetables, etc., whilst the majority of the passengers have decided to ride on top of the bus while clinging helplessly for dear life. Yet they somehow manage to eat, sing - whatever. This bus will then reach warp 9 (in violation of Starfleet regulations) while taking a significant toll on the pedestrian population before it reaches its "final destination" (film reference intended). This usually consists of a terminal that also serves as some kind of prostitution ring (see: bride "match making" service) geared towards our many "friendly" foreigner tourists.
Latest Softwares, games and movies[edit | edit source]
The Philippines always has the latest software, video games and movies. Even before the new OS comes out on the market, the Philippines will already have it and they'll be selling it in the streets and malls. Just be careful and choose well, because you might end up going back to that store for a replacement, and discover that the store has already closed for good. But don't worry, these CD/DVDs are so cheap that you can afford to buy 4 copies of each.
The movies are also a unique treat. These are "special" editions that accurately replicate the cinematic experience. While you're watching the movie you'll constantly hear other people talking, laughing, sneezing, belching, etc. Wait awhile and you'll see a shadow moving in front of the screen (a person either just arriving or leaving the theater). But the porno is great. You can get a pretty decent copy, if you're lucky. Some are even homemade (!) right here in the Philippines. You might even get to see your neighbor (or your daughter). The Latest games can be played in the "computer shop".
Computer Shop[edit | edit source]
Sometimes called Internet Café. You can surf the Internet or play the latest games by just paying at least 20 pesos per hour. This technlogy is invented ca. 2000. You can find it anywhere, You might even find it beside your house.
News[edit | edit source]
Have you ever wanted to hear the latest news - without even bothering to pick up a newspaper, turn on a radio or watch TV? In the Philippines there's a technology called "Tsismis" which is blazingly faster than any form of news broadcasting. You'll be able to know the news - even before it happens (especially regarding your neighbor's personal affairs or even your own). This "Tsismis" way of broadcasting has been utilized in the Philippines long before the introduction of electricity, here (circa 1945). From then on, it has evolved and the technology widely distributed to baranggays, towns, cities and across the islands. Just be careful, though, that you're not the current headline unless, of course, you wish to be famous amongst the locals and to have consistent subsequent articles about you everyday (and I mean everyday).
Escape from Singe's Castle[edit | edit source]
Enjoy being stared at for being white like they have never seen a white guy, and just to add insult to injury, they will scream at the top of their lungs "HEY JOE" (circa World War II) while constantly mistaking you for an American. Even after telling them you're not, they still won't believe you. The Philippines also features hoards of filthy street children who love to chase you through the streets while demanding money and pretending that they're "hungry" (this is a TROPICAL ISLAND, folks - food GROWS here)- then laugh when you call them on their game. By the way, I believe that their clothes come from Central Casting.
Sight seeing[edit | edit source]
The Philippines is full of sights to see, here are some that you might enjoy.
Pasig River[edit | edit source]
Pasig river was once a beautiful river connecting Laguna de bay and Manila Bay. It's still a sight to see, you can take a ferry boat ride to see the black polluted smelly water with lots of floating water lily's (and if you're lucky a floating corpse), along the side of the river bank you can admire the skillfully built houses of squatters.
Streets of Metro Manila[edit | edit source]
Just by walking along Metro Manila, you can easily notice nature as it works, the beggars and homeless are striving to live, while the government doesn't even seem to be bothered with them. Don't you just ever wonder how these homeless bums and beggars survive? They don't have a full-time (heck even a part-time) job, no source of income and no home at all, but they still live (and they live everywhere and anywhere they could put a little tent or ply-wood where they will sleep and they will call it their own). That's the power of nature and the nature of human to survive.
One idea on how they probably survive is through "survival of the fittest" and or being resourceful by knowing where, when and what to snatch or steal and whom to victimize. Some of these so called beggars are members of some sort of
syndicate group, this is why sometimes it is better to ignore and stay away from them.
It's really a wonder why the government does not do anything about them, all you need to do is to go out in the streets and you'll find them there (the beggars, bums, homeless), quite easily. However, there will be the occasion where they get noticed by the government and other significant people (this is during the campaign period before election).
The streets of Metro Manila are loads of fun (NOT!) and surprises (yeah right - if you call being robbed a surprise), visit the Philippines now and get an exclusive opportunity to be mobbed, kidnapped or even raped! Plus if you book your flight one month in advanced, you'll get a discount from the robbers by not taking your clothes and leaving you bare naked along the dark alley of some dirty neighborhood.
Basilan[edit | edit source]
On your next trip to the Philippines make sure to visit Basilan where you can spend a joyous and recreational time being kidnapped. If you're lucky, the Abu Sayyafs might even kill you and feed your corpse to the jungle animals (to make use of your worthless lives). By the way, a special torture treatment is already being prepared for our nice gay friend Mr. Editor (That's ME). So book your flight now and be treated like a gay whore (Which I am).
Fun Activities[edit | edit source]
Trashing All Around[edit | edit source]
In this country they will tell you to throw your trash in the garbage areas (basura) and avoid littering, but then, after you look around and in every corner of the street that you're standing in, 'there's no garbage can!!! - so just throw it anywhere while no one is looking, and even when someone is looking, just make sure you are not in the city of Makati, because the local government there is trying to be non-Filipino by trying to imitate well-developed countries (be on guard). But if you ever get caught, never fear, for there's always a way out (if you're a fast runner then you can make your escape by exercising those legs) and if you're a rich person then you can just pay your way out of trouble (nothing new there - see MEXICO).
Survivor Challenge #1 Patintero with Fast Vehicles[edit | edit source]
While walking in the streets of Metro Manila Philippines and suddenly you thought you need to cross the streets but then saw this sign that reads "No Jaywalking" and as a law abiding citizen you'll try to look for a pedestrian crossing or a pedestrian overpass. You'll notice however that after walking a few miles that either some pedestrian crossings are located in a more dangerous location or a pedestrian overpass is under construction or there's absolutely no pedestrian crossing/overpass at all!!!!!!
Relieve Yourself in Public[edit | edit source]
Have you ever felt the need to pee during rush hour and the next toilet is 1,000 cars away? Then come here to the Philippines! Here you can just relieve yourself on the walls and piss whenever and wherever you want to! It doesn't matter if you pee in front of an abandoned building or a multinational company like Mang Donald's, they won't notice you anyway! Don't ever, EVER try urinals, they stink more than the dreaded 5-6 Bumbays and they always have a "friendly" gay patronage since they're colored pink (they attract gays more than flies).
Politics, Sports and Entertainment aka PBA (Politika-Basketball-Artista)[edit | edit source]
Election and Campaign[edit | edit source]
One of the most anticipated events in the Philippines is the campaign and election. During this event, all sorts of people can be seen and heard as they register for candidacy and do their campaigns, ranging from the poorest and/or sometimes dumbest nuisance-candidates to the richest and/or most powerful corrupt-politicians, add a bunch of celebrities, news-casters and athletes on the sides and we have an election-fiesta. They are all competing to get the
most of the country's wealth position in the government in order to fatten their wallets and enslave (err...) serve their fellow Filipinos.
This is also the time Filipinos are most blessed, they get to know their other relatives and learn something about their bloodlines. Every Filipino would do their research whether one of the candidates is a relative in order to receive some blessings from them in exchange for a promise of their vote.
It's a happy season, everyone is generous to give money donations and support to the poor and the needy, especially to those who have nothing to eat and homeless. During election campaign, the beggars, bums and homeless becomes visible to the governments and political eyes. This is also the time that they are really needed and appreciated due to their numerous population and would be contribution to the poll count.
It's also the time were the sewers and roads are being fixed (after that, expect a large billboard with the politician's gigantic face and name stating they were the ones who funded the construction - but the construction will never be completed after the election), class rooms being built and the children are given school bags and notebooks with gorgeous imprints of the candidates names. This is the time the rich Filipinos spend most of their money to invest in a political candidate in a hope to gain some great favor afterwards (how charitable the Filipinos are).
The next election is on 2016 so mark your calendars and plan your vacation to the Philippines to witness this great and wonderful event. Call a political or government official now to book your tour together with their campaign around the country and get to witness this wondrous event.
Tsismis[edit | edit source]
It is also known as "Showbiz News". It is aired in various T.V. networks. It is all about the personal lives of the Filipino artists and celebrities. People working for tsismis or also known as paparazzis always watch every move of popular celebrities and post it on their website or air on T.V. shows. People watching news about tsismis spread the word to their friends and neighbors.