~ Imelda Marcos on Manila
Manila (also known as Kuala Lumpur's effeminately gay skanky gutter whore brother, which technically makes it Bangkok's twin sister, Jakarta's half-built replica, Los Angeles' ghetto brother and Tokyo's incestuous cousin thrice removed) is a species of envelope that calls itself the capital of the Philippines, and thus deserves the honorific title of "The Black Hole of All Gunk in the Universe," which as a matter of fact was given in 1986 by the United Nations. It is a typically large and bloated Asian coastal city, except that no Asian people actually live here. Manila was last seen in 1998 under a huge pile of squatter refuse somewhere on the southwestern portion of Luzon Island.
Due to its inhabitants' innate inability to understand math, Manila is actually a conglomerate of 7,488 towns and cities, each existing at the same time in different parallel universes. This paradox has actually inflated Manila's population to more than 50 billion, making it the world's largest slum district. For about three weeks a year during the hot summer months of March and April, Manila actually ceases to exist on the Luzon coastline, instead reappearing farther inland as a city named Baguio. During auspicious total solar eclipses the city sometimes even appears in Utah as a decaying frontier town under the complete control of Donny Osmond.
For some inexplicable reason, Manila is also the nexus for all residual trash and water in the universe, resulting in an occasional flooding that leaves the city underwater for months at a time, while also resulting in a massive spawning of new and fascinating mutations among its inhabitants. Scientists are still unable to explain this rhythmic phenomenon, although Albert Einstein speculates it has something to do with the tidal influence of Imelda Marcos's giant moon base.
Few records exist on how Manila really came to be. Some say that the city is actually the burial complex of Dr. Phil, brought back in time by robotic ghost pirates to wreak noxious havoc upon the world, and to just fucking annoy the hell out of Asians everywhere. More sensible people believe, however, that Manila today rests upon a the ruins of a much more ancient civilization named Cunnilingus, which could in all likelihood explain why a large portion of the city's population has turned gay through the years.
¿Se Habla Español?
Shortly after Ferdinand Magellan stopped by Manila for a brief bathroom break during his journey around the solar system, the figureheads of Spain decided that, having mistaken the city for San Francisco, they would claim it as its own anyway. After a failed attempt at creating a walled enclave, the Spanish who settled in Manila eventually gave up and turned the entire place into a ghetto park, parts of which could still be seen today.
The American Period
By 1897, the Spanish were too drunk to even notice that George W. Bush had begun sending troops to invade Manila. The Americans were successful in taking over and restored Manila's ravaged economy by destroying all its natural resources and pimping all its citizens into prostitution.
The empire of Japan, on its quest for total world domination during WWII, sent 2,567 robot ninja warriors to invade Manila and spread the saving message of anime. Americans were no match for the superior psychic crystal energy that the Japanese had, which was generated from the sulfurous depths of Takeshi's Castle, so they decided to make like the French and bail (but to be fair they did come back eventually, because they forgot the porn stash they left under the presidential couch). The robots made Manila their battleground for three years, fighting each other in honorable martial combat. Unfortunately, a malfunction caused by a Hello Kitty Vibrator shoved up a robot's nether regions resulted in the destruction of Manila's space-time continuum, resulting in the current dimensional fracture that tourists and time travelers know so very well today.
Imelda Marcos eventually gained control of large portions of Manila in the 1970's by splitting open a rotten coconut and creating a palace out of it. Such a task was so monumental and so daunting that Pope John Paul II, on a brief stopover in the city while doing the Madonna world tour, presented Imelda with her very own Hello Kitty vibrator, which she could use at will while her husband was away in the savage lands in his never-ending quest to find a nonexistent golden Buddha statue.
There is no such thing as "fine dining" in Manila. No self-respecting human would ever eat in a godforsaken place like this. Street food is common, however, and the finest example of this is a local delicacy that involves a baby pig with a stick stuck up its ass.
Tourists who have the gastronomic fortitude to visit Manila can also try the world-famous "Soup #5", although it would be most prudent to stay away from snickering locals while eating this strident delicacy.
Manila's Alternate Realities
Listed below are but a few of the thousands of alternate realities that make up Manila today.
- Caloocan - Split into two by God's diarrhea, Caloocan's dual landscape mirrors that of Zerg infestations. Hundreds of attempts to close this rather nasty interdimensional breach have resulted in the accidental canonization of Geri Halliwell by the local Catholic diocese in 2000.
- Las Piñas - This district is led by the wife of the self-proclaimed rags to riches congressman where they give out free meals during elections and demolish illegal buildings where the poor live afterwards.
- Malate - A decaying cesspool where you could most likely be gay without even knowing it.
- Malabon - This is where they make noodles made out dried semen served with a sauce made from yellow ear wax Pancit Malabon.
- Mandaluyong - Few visitors ever come here; the noxious smog that permeates through this synthetic nightmare realm is enough to drive you to kill yourself. Slowly.
- Makati - This alternate Manila is a city-state filled with glass towers and wooden inhabitants, sort of like the Crystal Tokyo of Sailor Moon, only on crack. The emperor of this bizarre dimension is a bisexual midget.
- Marikina - While a serene river does run through this quiet reality, Marikina is actually a gigantic dumping ground for all the world's shoes, which have been declared heretical by Emperor Palpatine. As is obvious, Imelda Marcos in this reality has declared herself queen of Marikina.
- Muntinlupa - This alternate Manila is part a jail dimension, sort of like Singapore only bigger and uglier. Tourists are advised to stay the hell out of here. Alabang is also located here, home of the conyos who pretend to not know how to speak Tagalog even though they grew up in the country.
- Navotas - From the Filipino word "nabutas", which means punctured with a hole. It is where assholes are enlarged by special native doctors using balloons inflated inside the rectum until they explode.
- Pasay - The only landmark of note here is a nondescript house covered by gray rocks around the corner of City Hall.
- Pasig - The alternate dimension of Marikina. It is home to a radioactive river where all the world's toxic waste is dumped. Meth is their largest export.
- Parañaque - The noisiest part of the city where the Laglag Bala International Airport is located. People here have their roofs shit-proof when the airplanes drop their crap from the lavatories or otherwise they would penetrate and land inside your living room.
- Pateros - Not a city but a beautiful and serene meadow home to a not-so-secret laboratory where bio-engineered duck fetuses are cloned.
- Quezon City - Once the powerful capital of a solar system-spanning Communist empire, Quezon City has since then declined in power and has been so for three millennia. Today its only offerings are a university campus reeking with communists and a naked gay man.
- San Juan - Pretty much nothing but pirated DVDs.
- Taguig - Like Makati, this alternate reality is replete with high-rise glass towers. Unlike Makati, however, the only inhabitants found here are tight-assed pod people who seasonally hatch when new Nokia phone models hit the market.
- Valenzuela - A barren wasteland whose sole man-made (and obviously gay) monument is a concrete clover-leaf.
Things to do in Manila
- Leave. Now.
- Buy a cheap hooker.
- Eat baby pigs with sticks shoved up their asses.
- Eat aborted duck fetus.
- Join an anti-government rally.
- Buy a permanent residence in Cebu.
- Find Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in her sinking palace by the river.
- Watch a drag queen beauty pageant.
- Jump off from the top of a billboard.
- Drink moderately.
- Piss on walls (especially those marked with "BAWAL OMEHI DITO").
- Or better yet, piss on posters of MMDA head honcho Bayani Fernando.
- Take sides (like what this loser did) in the never-ending and pointless battle between two so-called "media giants."
- Get mugged by the cops at their conveniently-placed checkpoints.