1-18-08
| Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Rob had sex with Beth, so, if you don't want to find out that Rob had sex with Beth, which they did, don't read it. Because Rob had sex with Beth. |
| Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Rob is like the main dude, so if you don't want to find out that Rob is like the main dude, which he is, don't read it. Because Rob is like the main dude. |
| Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that a lame-ass monster with giant fleas trying to impersonate Godzilla destroyed New York, so if you don't want to find out that a lame-ass monster with giant fleas trying to impersonate Godzilla destroyed New York, which it did, don't read it. Because a lame-ass monster with giant fleas trying to impersonate Godzilla destroyed New York. |
| Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that the main dude's brother dies after a bridge is destroyed, the girl the camera dude is in love with gets bitten by one of the monster's giant fleas and asplodes, they manage to get to the other girl, the dead brother's girlfriend is taken on to another helicopter and separated from them and is probably the only one who survives, the helicopter the remaining living people are in crashes but they all survive it, the camera dude gets killed when the monster bites him in half but the camera gets out safe, the main dude and the girl he had sex with hide under a bridge and a bomb destroys said bridge and probably them, and that apparently the bomb killed the monster as well, which all happens, so don't read it. Because the main dude's brother dies after a bridge is destroyed, the girl the camera dude is in love with gets bitten by one of the monster's giant fleas and asplodes, they manage to get to the other girl, the dead brother's girlfriend is taken on to another helicopter and separated from them and is probably the only one who survives, the helicopter the remaining living people are in crashes but they all survive it, the camera dude gets killed when the monster bites him in half but the camera gets out safe, the main dude and the girl he had sex with hide under a bridge and a bomb destroys said bridge and probably them, and that apparently the bomb killed the monster as well. Oh, wait, this article never mentions that, so never mind what you just read. Even though this actually does happen. Yeah, that's right. I spoiled the movie. So live with it. |
“OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!”
“It's a bunch of horseshit.”
“I saw it, it's a lion and it's huge!”
“I had sex with Beth, because I am like the main dude.”
“Did you feel that? It was like an earthquake!”
“Go find and destroy your own fucking city!!”
Cloverfield, also known as 1-18-08 and That Whatsitcalled Monster Movie, is a beastality-action-horror-comedy movie produced by J. J. Abrams (TV's The Love Boat) and directed by Saturn-award-winning Matt Reeves. It follows a bunch of New Yorkers wrapped in a blanket of rushed social drama and half-baked character development who have to fend off a rather inconvenient giant monster, and one of whom is carrying a camera to record the events in a surpizingly comprehensive and detailed manner, much like the students behind The Blair Witch Project, instead of capturing a string of barely connected, random, unclear, shaky shots of people running around, which surely would fend off the critics. On that note, Cloverfield received largely positive reception from critics, who called its blatant evocation of 9/11 home videos "inventive" rather than "absolutley deplorable". The film was released on January 18, 2008, hence the code name.
Plot summary[edit | edit source]
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Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.
This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Kerrigan gets captured by the Zerg and is turned into their queen, Lightning McQueen loses the race, Bruce Willis sacrifices his life to save Earth from the asteroid, Oedipus fulfills the Oracle's prophesy by killing his dad and fucking his mom, the aliens' weakness was common tap water, Mary Magdalene, who was married to Jesus, is buried under the pyramid in the Louvre, and the holy grail is actually their descendants, the Stormbreaker computers release a deadlier, genetically modified type of smallpox when activated, the book "The Number 23" is actually about Jim Carrey's character's past, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!
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This film begins with a character introducing sequence that lasts about half an hour. Somebody gives a camera to a mentally handicapped person thus saving thousands of dollars in film production. I hope you brought your girlfriend because you could spend this entire scene making out and not miss a thing.
So after finding out Rob had sex with Beth, and Rob is like the main dude the building has a power failure. Then they play everything you see in the trailers twice with some fillers in between.
Rob heads down through a subway and then this one lady starts making a big deal about knowing who Superman is. Then they are attacked by the monster's giant fleas and the giant fleas are like making a weird noise like "agalagalagalagala". After which too much stupidity clustered together in one brain causes the lady's head to asplode.
So Beth has some rebar lodged in her chest, a bunch of people die (contrary to typical movies, the black person is the only one to survive of the main cast), everybody ends up in Central Park, and then the monster screams and dies. And just when you think that Rob and Beth are gonna make it out the air force bombs their asses to kingdom come.
Oh yeah, did I mention, they never show the entire monster? Just its face? That's because they were too cheap to pay for better special effects.
Also, don't plan on the viral marketing campaign to lead to anything except tounge-in-cheek refrences and a shot of Jamie lying passed out on a couch.
The Monster[edit | edit source]
J.J. Abrams put keeping the identity of the monster at the top of his to-do list. Fortunately, someone was able to steal Abrams' computer and pry the highly guarded information from the hard drive. Unfortunately, more than six billion bloggers claimed to have stolen the images. Here are some of the speculated ideas:
Some speculated the monster was an enraged Hillary destroying New York after losing her run for the Presidency.
Many pro-chicken monster speculators also predicted the monster would be killed by the starving black population of New York!
Giant Yu-Gi-Oh!
Possible monster footage.
This Gopher/Chipmunk was rejected the role as Cloverfield monster.
Maybe Ving Rhames?
Or this one?
Probably this one?
Potential Sequel?[edit | edit source]
Okay, so somehow the camera withstood the bomb (God knows how) and there are new characters but the story is set in Tokyo, Japan, because SOMEHOW Rob withstood the bomb too (yeah, like that ever made sense). So far this is the only plot speculation:
- Jackie Chan is in it. Apparently he saves the Japs from the monster.
- The Cloverfield monster is in it.
- The parasites are in it.
- Rob is still in it - and is still like the main dude.
- The Cloverfield monster takes a new form.
- The dog-sized parasites also take a new form.
- The Japanese Prime Minister then blames George Bush for global warming resulting in the creation of this monster, thus creating a dispute which results in World War 4. Did I forget to mention the fight against the Cloverfield monster counts as a World War?
- Instead of hundreds of extras for the movie they just hired one smiling Chinese man and re-shot him in different spots, he then died of radiation poisoning.
- It's confirmed that Rob had sex with Beth. SCORE!
- Beth is still dead. That's right, Rob is a necrophiliac.
- The movie ends with all of Japan getting bombed..... just like in World War II, except it's all of Japan. Godzilla is spinning in his grave as we speak.
J.J. Abrams has confirmed he would like to film a sequel from the monster's point of view. He was quoted as saying "Yeah, I would like to see what people think of a movie from an angle that isn't conventional, like this time the monster will be holding the Sony Camcorder. I mean, who doesn't want to see Japan having the shit stomped out of it by a big pair of feet?" Well, King Ghidorah didn't. He had this to say: "I do this shit on a regular basis and sometimes I fight Giant Iguanas too. Where's my fucking movie!?!"
Should you see it?[edit | edit source]
Well, if you do, than make sure you have five bottles of Tums, the camera is fucking shaky. I mean REALLY shaky. You will not understand a thing that's going on. I had five buckets of popcorn, ten sodas, and I puked all over the fucking screen. And you know, it was like "WHOAAAAA" because it sprayed Kill Bill style, and puke covered the screen. And it was green, just like the fucking Cloverfield monster. Besides, whoever held the camera is a real cunt. He got me kicked out of the theatre. FUCK YOU J.J. ABRAMS!
Also be aware that this movie is a bestiality porno (despite being PG-13 somehow) so your girlfriend might not want to see it. If you couldn't stomach two Girls, One Cup then stay home Nancy boy!
Hoax images of J.J. Abrams' pet Chihuahua[edit | edit source]
Criticism[edit | edit source]
About 100% of critics found that there should have been more of HUD on the screen. And tits. There can always be more tits. Some nerd critics, like Roger Ebert, complained of the film's shaky-cam filming style causing so much nausea that he couldn't get past the scene where the movie changed genres to a horror movie.
Rob had sex with Beth[edit | edit source]
Some fans suggest that Clover (the big-ass monster) was angry at Rob because he had sex with Beth. The monster wanted to be the main dude but since it didn't have a chance to nail Beth, Rob took the spotlight. Being such a baby (confirmed by the movie's director), Clover decided to destroy Manhattan and Rob along with it and maybe find Beth's dead body and then become the main dude... in ways you can't imagine.
Note: Beth had sex with Rob because Rob is like the main dude.
