Nuclear warfare

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“I believe I can fly!”

Nuclear warfare is Rush Limbaugh's dream for the United States, especially against countries such as Bhutan or Bangladesh. Once a large scale nuclear attack is underway, the plan is for Barack Obama to take off in the Air Force One and go to his favorite vacation spot: Hawaii. Of course, that is assuming that there is a Hawaii. Otherwise, it's off to the bunker – and that's a bummer. Except for that, it is going to be every man and woman for themselves.

In the event of an all-out nuclear war only cockroaches and the British royal family would survive. It is important to understand, however, that the likelihood of such a conflict, inadvertent or otherwise, has been greatly exaggerated. Game theory teaches us that each player involved, yes player, will pursue a strategy that improves their situation for as long as they can and until an equilibrium is reached. This equilibrium might be volatile or stable. The stable one will be achieved in the aftermath of ... well don't bother with the details. Things have a way of working out.

Nations capable of nuclear warfare[edit | edit source]

We don't know which countries are capable of nuclear warfare, but here's what we think:

Only China. They have a shit-load of nukes. The Americans have none, despite possessing cold fusion power plants. A little strange, but with Aurora bombers and Particle Uplink Cannons, who needs a pussy baby nuke, anyway? Similarly, the GLA have no nuclear capabilities, except in that mission where they have to steal those awesome nuclear bomb trucks. Those are so ridiculously good. If you could build them, well, I'd use nothing else. I'd probably lose, as a single bomb truck would be Aurora bombed, causing everything to blow up.

Hmm? Oh, yeah, USA and GLA can get nukes by capturing Chinese technology, but that is obvious. n00b.

What's more, recently, Albert Einstein discovered a way to go back in time. A direct consequence of this was the Soviet development of A-bombs, to go with their demolition trucks (which they already had, go figure).

There are also reports that a man known only as 'Kane' possesses nuclear capabilities. Brotherhood. Peace. Unity.

Nonetheless, the USA, GLA, China, Russia, Pakistan, Derkaderkastan, and India all claim to have nukes, and Belarus and Ukraine (and Borat) say they destroyed theirs but some detractors say they're just using the weapons as dildos. Nutty Korea says it has some, but this is widely rumored to be a coverup for Kim Jong-un's farts. And, of course, Iran says it's working on it. Israel is being pretty coy. Some people say she has the bombs, others say she doesn't, and some others say she's just being shy and is trying to flirt with all the other countries in her class. Some daredevils say she's a trap, but who gives a shit?

Which is why we're settling on China as being the only nuclear power. It's less confusing that way.

How to start a nuclear war[edit | edit source]

Simple: Kidnap a group of retired USA military agents' families. Hold them for ransom if they do not obey your orders. Sneak into Russia over the Mongolian border. (This is the hard part.) Attack two of their bases simultaneously while shouting "Victory for America!"

How to stop a nuclear war[edit | edit source]

According to a documentary I once saw, teaching a computer to play tic-tac-toe will successfully avert nuclear war at the last second. Phew. Talk about dramatic.

Congratulations! You are dead.
Or undead.

How to win a nuclear war[edit | edit source]

According to that same documentary, the only winning move is not to play. Go figure. To me, that doesn't seem like a win. More like a draw, until your opponent surrenders, collapses, loses control of Eastern Europe and reverts to a dodgy democracy. But that happened only once.

A more reliable way is to hire Jack Bauer to win the nuclear war for you. Seriously, he can do it. Ever see that movie about the Cuban Missile Crisis, 13 Days? Well, Jack Bauer can do it in exactly 288 hours less, so suck that. Ladies, did I mention he's single? No? Good, because he's not. Oh well. (Jack Bauer is in a secret relationship with Dr. Strangelove ... his penis glows in the dark!)

Also, try nuking France. It would be easy to win a nuclear war against France. Just say you're attacking them and you'll be swamped with more white flags than you know what to do with! They're great for mopping up nuclear spills!

But the best way is to sit down and watch the show. Sooner or later it will end.

How to survive a nuclear war[edit | edit source]

Foresightful national governments have made plans to ensure their citizens are safe in the event of either accidental or intentional nuclear war incidents. These plans are, for obvious reasons, secret, but we may be confident they exist and have been tested, since governments are unlikely to lie about things where innocent lives are at stake and they can be caught out so easily.

Then things will REALLY get bad. In the United Kingdom, for example, the so-called four-minute warning is a radio message that takes four minutes to broadcast, detailing the information known so far about where missiles are headed, where missiles used to be headed, where it is safe to go, where it is no longer safe to go (see also: where missiles used to be headed), what food and water to take and whether they contain high, medium, or low amounts of salt and saturated fat, and how many pence per minute it costs to ring up the government's Nuclear War Hotline for a pre-recorded version of this message without quite so much static and screaming and crying in the BBC studio.

This message is transmitted across all BBC, ITV, and (except when England or Arsenal are playing) BSkyB channels, using the special emergency interrupt network normally used to broadcast gale warnings to deep-sea fishing vessels during episodes of Bill and Ben. In areas outside the range of the main transmitters (sorry, Wales and Scotland, particularly the bits near that submarine base), the message is couriered from BBC headquarters at Bush House in London to all regional postmasters, who then activate a network of urchins on bicycles to rush out to nearby villages, stopping only for cows on the road, slow-moving steam trains at level crossings, and 1950s-attired couples having rumpy-pumpy in the cornfields.

This four minute warning will, of course, be the last resort, a desperate ploy by fools at the end of their pitiful rope!