HowTo:Build your own Thermonuclear Weapon

Building a thermonuclear weapon in the privacy of your own home has never been easier. It has also never been more irresponsible and dangerous, you reckless fool. What on Earth would you need a thermonuclear weapon for anyway, when there is so much available in the area of ordinary chemical explosives which would better serve your nefarious purposes without needlessly endangering the environment and world peace?

Step 1: Fission

The first goal of building a thermonuclear weapon is to acquire large quantities of fissionable isotopes such as uranium 235 and plutonium 235 and unobtainium 90210. However, such materials are rightly restricted from the hands of terrorists and rogue nation states and scary individuals like yo... SHUT UP AND INSTRUCT ME!! so you will have to either (1) steal it from a nearby nuclear power plant or (2) produce it yourself. Since the private possession of centrifuge equipment for the enrichment of nuclear materials is a federal offense everywhere in the world, try to steal it.

Step 2: Fusion

You will also need lots of fusionable fuel, such as deuterium and tritium, which is readily producible by electrolyzing ordinary tap water with a freshly-charged car battery. My gosh, you're actually going to go through with this aren't you? Yeah!? have a problem with it? Over a Bunsen™ burner, chemically combine the deuterium and tritium with a suitable binding substance such as lithium,/duck tape or no more nails, which you should have in your personal supply of anti-psychotic medications ,or toolbox (if not, refill those prescriptions already, before it's too late). (reloading rifle)

Step 3: Construction

Assuming that you have acquired and/or produced all of the necessary ingredients, the next step is to consult Wikipedia, where they have many highly detailed classified blueprints of thermonuclear weapons for online consumption by anybody with Internet access (i.e., everybody). Why oh why Wikipedia would put at risk the public welfare by allowing such sensitive information to be widely distributed is incomprehensible. Perhaps this free speech stuff is getting way out of hand.

Using the blueprints, carefully assemble the individual components, being sure that none of the fissile materials come into intermediate contact with the fusible materials, or vice versa. This can be really, really tricky, especially if you were careless enough to not properly label the fissionable stuff "FISSION" and the fusionable stuff "FUSION". Heck, even I get those things confused sometimes. Yeah, and you call me a psychopath. I knew when I first saw you that you are the twisted one.

Step 4: Testing

Once you have assembled your thermonuclear weapon, you may think about testing it to make sure that it works properly. What, are you crazy or something??? It's not a firecracker, you idiot, it's a thermonuclear bomb! If you set it off without proper precautions, millions of innocent lives will likely perish in a radioactive fireball, including you. Oh, my Lord, you're actually going to do it, aren't you? Can't we talk this over or something? Honestly, there is no need for you... Come on, buttons are not toys — BANG BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! ... {EVERYBODY GETS BOMBED} {hissing sound as nuclear winter sets in}

Step 5: Who to bomb

Now that you have a thermonuclear bomb, and everybody on the planet fears and respects you, what do you do with it? The best possible thing that a person can do with a thermonuclear bomb is to blow up: Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, The Bush Family, or any number of other people/species. If it was me, I would blow up all the mimes that I could find.

“You bastards... you blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!”

~ Charlton Heston, 1954 years later