Baby's First Nuclear Warhead
Top quality toys you can trust from the same Nascor Toys™ that has been thinning the population since 1914. Nascor Toys™, "If it's not deadly, it's not fun."
Got a baby on the way? Accidentally got your ex pregnant and want to get on her good side so she drops the restraining order? Wish she got an abortion instead of having the thing out of shear spite? Have $150,000[1] (USD≈ €110,000 £95,000 ¥12,120,000) you wish you didn't?
If you answered "yes" to none or more of those questions, then Nascor Toys™ has the answer to all your problems. Or at least all the ones that poop out 500% more mass than they consume and scream at 120 decibels 16 hours a day.
Keep the shakably-adorable fecal factory happy with the new Nascor Toys™ Baby's First Nuclear Warhead (by Nascor Toys™).
Making Armageddon easy
Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ is an easy-to-assemble fissionable atomic device. Any adult parent, guardian, grandmother, creepy stranger, or friend can follow the simple step-by-step directions included within a matter of a couple hours or more.
Our Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ is built as light as possible so your precious will not be overwhelmed by the bulk. When fully assembled, Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ only weighs a few kilograms due to our unique patented corrugated polymer foam and ultra-light shell casing. The small plutonium-239 core is the heaviest component followed by the high explosives. Advances in technology ensures that, if assembled correctly, Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ has a 96% chance to initiate critical mass. If your Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ fails to detonate, Nascor Toys™ guarantees a second Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ free of charge (inspection of fizzled device by a Nascor Toys™ representative is required for claim to be processed).
Optimizing the holocaust
Every Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ comes with three triggering mechanisms from which your child may choose their preference, including:
- The remote detonator
- The Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ remote detonator is a large red button with semitransparent plastic safety guard that comes in six hues, pink, green, blue, orange, aquamarine, and purple. Your baby can feel like a real tyrannical dictator as they lifts the cute safety guard to push the big button with their fingers!
- The countdown timer
- A plastic clock with 20 different funny farm animals on bold numbers can be set to time down from 99 seconds before an automated detonation signal is sent to the Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™. As each number switches, the farm animal will make a noise, sure to bring out a giggle or smile. The radio signal has a range of approximately 15 meters (50 feet).
- The impact fuse
- If the impact fuse is installed in the nose of Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™, it only needs to be depressed to activate the detonation. If your baby wishes, they may drop the device from a high place such as your roof, a tree, or a cradle tied to thirty helium balloons. Authentic stabilizer fins will ensure the pressure fuse points downward when dropped.
- NEW!
- Now introduced in all Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ models, is the nuclear attack siren. Your baby won't have to make their own wailing. The siren will start to blow as soon as the safety guard on the red button is lifted, the countdown clock reaches Sheep + Barn mouse (10 seconds), or as soon as wind rushes through the stabilizer fins.
Super deluxe nuclear winter
If you are that crazy old uncle with too much money and no hope of ever finding a girlfriend that spends way too much on kids not your own because spoiling them makes you feel loved, then perhaps Nascor Toys™ Baby's First Nuclear Warhead Deluxe Expansion Set interests you.
- Ballistic nuclear missile
- Watch the infant squeal in delight as they launch their warhead with the Ballistic Rocket Motors that can carry the attached Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ up to 1 kilometer! Use of the impact fuse recommended, Nascor Toys™ not responsible for damaged Baby's First Nuclear Warhead due to incorrect trigger use. Only $20,000![2] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ not included)
- Multiple Independently-targetable Reentry Vehicle
- If your basic Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ is not powerful enough, the MIRV upgrade allows you to combine up to three devices and attach them to a rocket motor. Although the warheads cannot actually exit the atmosphere, the baby will still surely clap their hands as they watch the multiple warheads separate at their apogee and come back down in wide arcs for three individual detonations. Only $35,000![3] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ not included)
- Neutron bomb
- Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ is normally constructed with weight in mind, but if desired, an extra-large plutonium-239 core can be installed that will maximize nuclear fallout while decreasing blast potential. These neutron bombs will release ultra-high levels of radiation that will kill organisms while leaving structures relatively unscathed. Great if you live in a big city with expensive buildings or near a national monument you don't want to be known for demolishing. Only $100,000![4] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ not included)
- Hydrogen bomb
- If the standard .5 kilometer blast radius is way too small for your baby, Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ can be enhanced into a full thermonuclear device. The extra plutonium-239 cylinder is very heavy and will more than double the weight of a regular fission-based warhead, however, the blast can easily be expected to increase tenfold. Only $200,000![5] (Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ not included)
Safety tips
Nascor Toys™ recommends you use Nascor Toys™ Morally-blind Sunglasses. Look cool and protect your eyes while watching your baby play with their atomic toys. Only $25![6] Ask about our buy one get one free deal![7]
Always keep watch on your baby so it does not knock over Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ and become pinned under it.
If Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ does not detonate, do not attempt to force a detonation by kicking it, you may injure your toes. Either try a sledge hammer, or contact Nascor Toys™ about a free replacement (some restrictions apply).
Do not use Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ to rob banks.
Do not send Baby's First Nuclear Warhead by Nascor Toys™ to your Arab friends.
Not for children under the age of the second trimester.
| Baby's First Nuclear Warhead is a product of Nascor ToysTM |
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That fine print with which you needn't worry yourself
- ↑ Plus $150 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Plus $20 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Plus $35 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Plus $100 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Plus $200 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Plus $2 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
- ↑ Free sunglasses require an extra $27 shipping and handling, taxes not included.
Nuclear · Nuclear Fission · Nuke · Chernobyl · Duck and cover · How to build a Nuclear Bomb · The Interview · J. Robert Oppenheimer
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