Anti-nuclear reactor

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In Japan, an ingenious combination of nuclear power and anti-nuclear power is realized by encouraging hordes of anti-nuclear protesters to picket outside an active nuclear power plant. The total power thus generated is up to 120% of the nuclear power plant alone.

An anti-nuclear reactor is a mechanical device which is capable of extracting usable energy from the activity of left-wing individuals and associations. It has been known for quite some time now that merely breathing the word "nuclear" within earshot of a rabid environmentalist more often than not elicits an emotional response which is thoroughly disproportionate to the initial stimulus. It was only within the last few years that serious attention has been given to the prospect of harnessing this vast and unlimited source of raw anger for the purposes of performing useful work for a change.

Prototype anti-nuclear reactor[edit | edit source]

The prototype anti-nuclear reactor is relatively simple in concept and design, and relies solely on the largely-untapped psychological potential which tends to build up in the vicinity of college campuses and mass-media outlets. First, a circular 15-foot-tall chain-link fence with a radius of 50 meters is erected somewhere in California. Before the planned moment of activation, a large sign saying something like "Future Site of Nuclear Reactor #4", or "National ICBM Storage Facility", or perhaps even a memorial statue dedicated to Edward Teller, is prominently displayed at the epicenter. Within a matter of hours, large flocks of enraged protesters will be attracted to the site like flames to a moth and begin screaming bloody murder. Unbeknownst to them, there exists an intricate system of treadmills hidden underfoot which are turned by the protesters continuously marching around the perimeter of the fence. These treadmills are connected to a dynamo which generate clean and nonpolluting electricity for everybody else.

Sophisticated add-ons can increase the efficiency of the basic process, such as overhead paddlewheels designed to catch the tops of picket-signs in motion; or a large funnel to gather thrown rocks or other projectiles, allowing them to drop harmlessly against the outer rim of a flywheel.

The only potential environmental offset of an anti-nuclear reactor is human-generated litter in the immediate vicinity and a limited amount of carbon dioxide emissions exhaled by the protesters themselves.

Maintenance[edit | edit source]

Shutting down the reactor for periods of maintenance and clean-up is generally non-problematic. A hand-cranked elevator mechanism may be installed to pull the psychological stimulant temporarily underground, or a large flower-patterned shroud draped about it. Any effective means of hiding the stimulant from general view is usually sufficient for complete and temporary deactivation. Typical cool-down periods range from several minutes to two hours, depending on the collective attention spans of the activists, who then mindlessly wander away looking for some other place to wage a demonstration.

Energy efficiency and constraints[edit | edit source]

The net amount of energy which can be safely extracted from one anti-nuclear protester can be estimated as approximately anywhere from 50% to 75% of daily caloric intake. This level of emotional outrage is usually sufficient to power one 50 to 75 watt incandescent light bulb, averaged over a period of 24 hours. Several thousand protesters in continual frenzied activity thereby could provide all of the power needs of a small conservative American town.

Scientists the world over strenuously object that, since the energy thus extracted is ultimately from ordinary food, the food itself could just simply be burnt, eliminating the middle-man. Proponents of anti-nuclear energy, on the other hand, argue that since they sure as hell aren't gonna pay for the food themselves, the entire process is entirely self-sustaining. Plus, it would be a shameful waste to simply burn all that perfectly good food, what with the millions of starving obese children in New York or where-ever.

Accidental dangers[edit | edit source]

There are potential dangers to this novel technology, as if you didn't expect any. In 2017, the operators of an experimental anti-nuclear reactor in Fresno, in an ill-advised attempt to moderate the rate of energy production, invited several local law-enforcement officers with crowd control equipment to attempt to quell the demonstration. Things quickly got out of hand, resulting in a catastrophic meltdown of the entire facility which caused significant damage to the reactor core, and more than a few bodily injuries.

Other anti-nuclear reactor designs[edit | edit source]

Grandiose schemes are currently in the works to extract anti-nuclear energy from the internet itself, such as posting inflammatory pro-nuclear propaganda and an associated mailing address to leftist discussion groups and collecting the inevitable assortment of pipe-bombs or other incendiary devices arriving via UPS and FEDEX. These explosives can then be safely dumped into a well-shielded reaction chamber and detonated for large scale energy production.

See also[edit | edit source]