Treadmill
The treadmill is commonly used as a torture device. It also is somewhat used in fitness.
Creation[edit | edit source]
The first treadmill was thought to be created in prehistoric times by a single solitary caveman. Said caveman is thought to have thought, "Ah, Fiznit, I'm bored. I want to take a walk, but there's really nowhere to go!"
To this day, anthropologists and your mom are confused as to what exactly "Fiznit" means. But your mom has discovered that the first treadmill was merely two rudimentary stone wheels connected by a track made of pterodactyl wing material. It didn't even work. Cave paintings say the caveman had been in the process of completing the machine when the pterodactyl came back with a vengeance.
The anthropologists and fitness masters have found a second model of the treadmill, which seems to have been created by a different caveman exactly one month after the first caveman died. According to the pterodactyl, the second caveman found the blueprints of the first caveman and liked the idea. He thought the device would be great for pranks. So, he constructed a working treadmill, and gave it as a gift to his best buddy. The caveman told his buddy that the magnificent device would take him anywhere if he just walked on it. The buddy walked on it for 3 straight days before realizing he wasn't going anywhere. He then died of exhaustion.
Modern treadmill[edit | edit source]
The modern leading treadmill companies, TreadOnU and Miltred Co., have advertised the machines as just about anything possible. They were first advertised as fitness devices, but the companies soon had to face the fact that Americans are too fat and stupid to lose weight. They were then advertised as torture devices, for torturing mostly foreigners. But it was then only used by a select group of people. TreadOnU took a major controversial step on Farzna 13 (they run on the Islamic calendar) when they began advertising the treadmill as a sexual bondage-related torture device. This movement took the world by storm and the treadmill made a huge comeback.
The Treadmill People of Upsilac 9[edit | edit source]
According to science experts(and, of course, your mom), there was a group of aliens from the galaxy Upsilac 9, who were very much entranced by the wonders of the treadmill. They wanted to use it to.. how you say.. "have a good time". that they came over on their turbojet hyperspeed intergalactic-travel-enhanced space ships and stole not less than 10,000 treadmills. They were on their path back to their home galaxy when an accident with a speeding black hole caused their molecules to be rearranged with those of the treadmills. Not only are they part machine now, but they're really, REALLY good at running in place.
Tip: If you ever happen to encounter a treadmill person from Upsilac 9, just increase its track speed to 50 mph, at which point it will explode. Stand clear of flying metal parts.
That's it?[edit | edit source]
Well, I guess there just isn't anything more to say about the treadmill. Yeah, I thought this article would be longer too. OH WAIT.. I got an idea!
Tips to using a treadmill[edit | edit source]
If you are using your treadmill to lose weight, STOP! There are much easier ways to lose weight. Such as taking a knife and ripping the fat our of yourself.
If you are using your treadmill as a means of transportation, STOP, STUPID! It won't take you anywhere! Everybody knows that!
If you are using your treadmill as a sexual bondage-related torture device, I envy you.
GOOD TREADMILL USE
Below is a perfect example on how to use treadmills.
BAD TREADMILL USE This is a good example of a bad use
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