Bacon's Rebellion

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Bacon's Rebellion was the notorious uprising of the very angry Meats against the corrupt and primarily chicken-based government of the Virginia colony. The rebellion lasted from March 2, 1676 to October 9, 1676, when some of the meats began to spoil, although they eventually were victorious. It was led by such important people as Nathaniel Bacon, his brother Richard Bacon, Ham Sandwich, Sausage Patty with Cheese, and Eggs Benedict.

The Rebellion (of course)[edit | edit source]

The Bacon (Porcus assicusium) in question was upset with its position as in inferior meat (because of the colony's secret Jewish overlords) and thus led a rebellion of similarly disgruntled meats including spam, bologna, and, of course, other pork products such as policemen. Although spam is, in fact, made from just about everything imaginable (though mostly unwanted meats such as Your Mom), it is still part pork and thus, a pork product. These meats assembled into well-armed militias and began to wreak havoc upon the Virginian landscape and, in particular, those bloody Indians. These meats called themselves the Meats.

Soon after the Meats began organizing into armies, the revolution took off. On March 2, 1776, they decided to arrest a bunch of Indians for stealing corned beef. However, these Indians somehow acquired weapons of mass destruction, which they used to cook and eat the corned beef. This pissed off Nathaniel Bacon, who blamed the University of Berkeley. Thus, Bacon led a number of meats to the capital of Virginia and destroyed the city for a number of months. Everyone soon realized how silly this was because Berkeley is now known to be in California, not Vigninia.

Shortly thereafter, some of the meat products began to spoil, greatly weakening the Meats' strength. Although this is is commonly attributed to Zionist infiltration, some have suggested that the meat spoiled because of the lack of refrigeration. But, upon further investigation, one finds that all those who suggested this alternative are Jews, allowing us to conclude that this theory is just a Jewish attempt to cover up their tracks.

Final Battle[edit | edit source]

On October 9, the two opposing sides, Bacon and the Virginian government, met to discuss terms. After an hour of discussion they finally got down to the meat of the matter; the meats were tired of having stupid puns named after them. Thus the only logical way to resolve the conflict was to settle the issue through a vicious game of Steal the Bacon. Unexpectedly, a local tribe of Native Americans decided to enter the match as well, as they had supported the Virginian government heavily during the rebellion. But, unfortunately, this did not help: the Native Americans lost the match, not only because of a racist referee, but also because the Native Americans had no idea how to play such a game as Steal the Bacon. Out of their confusion, they kidnapped several members of the Meats' team and celebrated victory. This mistake is easily attributed to the Native Americans' sub-human intellect.

As such, the Meat won, claiming Pocahontas, as well as most of North America, as their prize. Nathaniel Bacon, as a complimentary offering, was given a full pardon and dysentery. Unfortunately, he would die from a papercut received by handling his pardon.

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