Bologna

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I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

As the official faux meat of the 2012 Summer Olympics, bologna is a fused loaf of unidentifiable animal flesh by-products, Play Doh, and wallpaper paste. Sometimes bologna is considered to be a sausage, but it's awfully big around to be a sausage, don't you think? But what do I know?

According to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, bologna is classified as a meat, in much the same way the Reagan administration once classified ketchup as a vegetable. But no matter how you slice it, bologna is great when it's made into sandwiches.

Origin[edit]

Although totally unconfirmed, legend has it bologna is made of meat from an animal discovered by a guy in some time period. Most historians believe this is a rumor propagated by the liberal media, according to the Bush administration. Well, it could've been a woman, but probably a guy. Only a guy would have thought of inventing something that has no nutritional value, but fills you up anyway. [1]

Cultural Variations[edit]

You want it, you know you do.
To eat bologna, or not to eat bologna: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler for the intestines to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous gastric fortune,
Or to take Tums against a flatulent sea of troubles...ahem!
  • Most vegetarians boycott meat bologna, since it appears to be meat. That makes no sense, if you ask me. Soy protein bologna is more disgusting than traditional bologna. Vegetarians are probably just sissies.
  • Scientologists will not eat bologna, since it can't be proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it didn't originate on another planet.
  • Nor do Buddhists partake of bologna, since it is likely to lack good and wholesome ingredients.
  • Or people of the Jewish persuasion, for that matter, since it's probably not Kosher and might contain pig penis parts or something equally as revolting, unless the bologna is made by Hebrew National.
  • Islamics prefer a piece of salami instead, since its so close to the word Salām meaning "peace."
  • Atheists don't believe in bologna or salami, and would like to pass a law separating delis and schools.
  • Agnostics aren't really sure if they like the taste of bologna, for no particular reason.
  • Neopaganists are likely to recognize how bologna symbolizes the Melting Pot societies of the world, and should be embraced.
  • Christians think bologna is great..especially with mayonnaise...which makes my brother "Yak." We can't figure that one out.

Lyrics[edit]

My bologna has a first name.
It's O-S-C-A-R.
My bologna has a second name.
It's M-A-Y-E-R.
My bologna has a nickname.
It's N-I-T-R-A-T-E-S.
Oh! I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why I'll say.
'Cause I'll eat whatever is in the refrigerator when I come home from school because I'm freakin' hungry and my Mom sits all day on the computer editing Uncyclopedia entries and never has the time to go shopping for anything other than B-O-L-O-G-N-A!

Product Notes[edit]

Mmmm. Bologna. It's what's for dinner!

Bologna is manufactured according to the terms set forth under President Bill Clinton's "Don't Ask. Don't Tell." Policy. In other words, if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question.

Applications[edit]

Uses for bologna include:

  • cheap sandwiches made with equally un-nutritious white bread
  • boob jobs
  • Kleenex substitute
  • a challenge during the disgusting eating portion of TV show Fear Factor
  • doilies for side tables that need polishing
  • caulking compound for a leaky bathtub -- just squish a piece into the crack between the tiles
  • underarm sweat guards for that precious silk blouse
  • dental material for severely decayed tooth that needs a filling -- better this than mercury
  • relief for constipation
  • party masks for your masquerade
  • cheap un-returnable frisbees for dogs[2]

See also[edit]

Notes[edit]

  1. It is also still a mystery why the hell bologna is spelled so funny.
  2. The ASPCA considers it cruel to feed your dog bologna.
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