Foon

The foon's unique design renders it completely useless for any culinary purpose.

“We won’t get fooned again!”

~ Roger Daltry on foons

“We’re better!”

~ sporks on foons

“I pity the foon!”

~ Mr. T on foons

A foon from the Yiddish:(פון) is culinary tool which has been genetically engineered (via selective breeding) to be a hybrid of a spoon and a fork. Unlike sporks, breeding was monitored and sanctioned by the Department of Environment and Primary Industries. However, because their purpose and usefulness is yet to be discovered, the project was shut down in 2006 and existence of the program is not mentioned in official reports. Since then however the foon has thrived freely in households across several timelines. A terrible device for eye-scraping, it does not successfully remove the eyeball. The foon is most often used as a device for stuffing food into mouths (however, usually unsuccessfully).

Foons worldwide celebrate National Foon Day every February 30. It is a "commemoration of the awesomeness of the foon and those who support it".

The fossils

In 1824, during an excavation of Upper Bulgaria, twelve adult foon fossils were first found. These initial findings have provided the "Ancient Foon" theorists much clout and they have not shut up about it since.

The deadly instrument of war

From the beginning of time, Man has sought to fashion a weapon he could also use when eating. The bone-club and the rock didn't really work for eating, and it was hard to kill someone with chopsticks. And to be honest, those time travelling hippies didn't help all that much either. But when the first foon was invented, Man finally realised that that this particular instrument, whilst being useless for killing people, was also impossible to eat with. After the food shortage in 1971, the foon's purposefulness was thrown into further ambiguity and general public knowledge was almost entirely abolished. Foons were used in the Foonteeth World War, when Mr. ۩♬✿εїз℡❣☎☺ஐ►♣☆❤☉☈✈ led an invasion of Normandy to blow up a bunch of sour vegetables. There have been many reports of abductions of people by foons, however this rumour is unconfirmed.

Foons as a religious symbol

Among the Sacred Foon cult, a heretical splinter sect within the prominent Utensilitarianist Church, the Foon is revered as the most holy embodiment of the unification of the masculine (poking and pointy) and feminine (scooping and curved) principles within the omniverse. Subscribers to this heresy deny the supreme authority of the spoon, some going so outrageously far as to claim the spoon is in actuality a cruel tyrant god bent on shackling men to its will of consuming all food only through it and no other and hence preventing Man from achieving true oneness all of his eating utensils.

This sect believes that originally fork and spoon were one until the spoon, believing itself to be the superior aspect of the duality, broke away to become the predominant instrument of soup consumption, relegating the fork primarily to the lower realms of dead meat, dying lettuce, eyes, and other more profane foodstuffs; thereby sundering the simple harmony of original existence and instituting the rule of spoonish values of scooping and submerging in soup, Jello®, and such to the denigration of harder, more forceful forkish ones.

Sacred foon cultists believe that only through the primary use of foons, many even demanding the unilineal implementation of foons alone at all public eateries, schools, homeless shelters and men's bathhouses, does humankind have hope for salvation and enlightenment when it comes to putting things into his mouth. The Sacred foon cult is, needless to say, denounced by orthodox Utensilitarianism which maintains the spoon as supreme eating device/deity and fork, though possessing some measure of sacrality, as nevertheless being a subordinate principle. Orthodox views of the Church, as upheld by its celerite priesthood (that is, not consuming celery), accuse foonites of a confused misreading of the holy menus, a degenerate and/or regressive view of consumptuality, and engaging in immoral and lewd rites involving the "reunion" of fork and spoon at suppertime. Hence, the cult continues to be denounced and persecuted to this day, and therefore often must practise its beliefs in secret coffee houses, delis, and pizza parlours away from the accepted fancy restaurants and dining halls of the mainstream Church.

Recently, a breakaway sect from the church calling themselves the Enlightened Followers of the Sacred Spork was established in Hoboken, New Jersey. They attempted a revolution concurrent with the invasion of the Easter Bunny. The coup failed, but revolutionaries promoting sporks instead of foons still control a couple blocks of the city.

The origins of foons

When a mommy spoon and a daddy fork get to getter ... then nine months later ... However, some sources state that it was the mommy fork and a daddy spoon, and yet another theory is that two Daddy spoons adopted the first Foon. So there.

See also

• Cereal
• Spike

Footnotes

This article was originally Fooned from a Spork.

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