Røros
“When God saw all the crappiness in the world, he decided to move it all into one place. This place is commonly believed to be Hell. That is, however, wrong. The place was called "Røros".”
Røros is one of the biggest cities in all of Norway. It is controlled by the evil entity Hufsa, which is another name for Satan. The city of Røros stretches all across the continent of Southern Trøndelag, which is the home of the rebellious moose mutants led by Captain "Show me a moose" Falcon. Røros mostly consists of ancient, rotting buildings (also known as "outhouses") which could be destroyed at any moment by a light wind blowing by. Because of this, Røros is at a constant war with Otto Jespersen and Bob the Builder, whom are both gods of the wind. The war is not going that well, seeing as Røros' population consists entirely of old, impotent men and 14 year old hookers.
Recently, Terje Falconsight, the Grand Master of Røros (only second to Hufsa and Boba Fett) declared war on Orvos, the land of cheese and peanut butter. The reason for this is unknown, but there are rumors going around Norway that Joergen Neetplatz, the king of Orvos, farted during an honorary dinner in honor of Hufsa and her husband, Boba Fett. The only way to answer this action of deviance and utter disrespect, of course, is by burning Orvos and the surrounding lands of Glåmos and Nowhere to the ground and taking their women.
The Great Morten[edit | edit source]
There is only one true hero in Rørosian history, and that is Morten the Great. He is known for being exceptionally stupid, and as such did not have the mental capacity to die.
His lack of intelligence aside, he led the armies (that might be a bit of an overstatement, seeing as Røros' "armies" never consisted of more than three old, impotent men) of Røros to several victories, the most important of which being the battle of Ålen Stronghold, where he slew an incredible amount of Ålish whores with his exceptionally stupid gibberish about "Elimoit" (a kind of blue sausage used on pizza and lutefisk) and kronks (people with heads where their genitals ought to be).
Morten gradually got smarter, and died as a result of this (he eventually realized he had been fatally injured at least a billion times, and since he could now comprehend the concept of death he immediately vanished in a puff of illogic). A giant, wooden statue of Morten now proudly welcomes people into Røros.
Arnfinn Strømmevold (Bør)[edit | edit source]
Originally, there were three kings whom reigned supreme over Røros. One of these kings were known as Arnfinn Strømmevold, or simply Bør. Arnfinn is the only god to ever have lived in the city of Røros (unless you consider Dave Mustaine a god). He is one of the few Super Saiyan warriors left on earth, and he is single handedly responsible for an astronomic amount of freak toaster accidents.
Arnfinn is the guitarist, vocalist and lead banjo player in the thrash metal band Bergstaden Old Stars. The "Old Stars" part may suggest that Arnfinn is old, which is true. Arnfinn was born exactly three minutes and seven seconds before time, making him older than existence itself. The "Old Stars" like to blow up planets with their bitchin' guitar riffs and thundering vocals, and they have left not one - not two - but three galaxies waste with their powerful music.
Arnfinn is the most powerful entity in existence. Some might question this, seeing as he is not very famous throughout the universe, but this is merely because Arnfinn has forbidden any articles to be published about him on the internet except this one. He makes sure of this by using mind control skills, seeing as he has a mental bond with every single atom in existence. Taking advantage of this, Arnfinn even has the power to alter time and space, making him more powerful than anything in existence. Dissenters claim that regardless of this advantage, Arnfinn cannot survive a febreeze-armed Chuck Norris.
He has many avatars, but the most well known of these is the fabled "middle aged man with much facial hair and a smile on his face". He does, however, have much more intimidating avatars. His second most feared avatar, for example, is when he takes the form of a a giant sea lion-hamster with wings and three heads; his own, Britney Spears' and Jesus'. In this shape he has Britney's head sing (making the victims' eardrums shatter), Jesus' head stare at the helpless victim (which produces an insane amount of guilt) while he himself plays the guitar with bestial vigor. His most feared avatar is in the form of a carton of sour milk, even though this is not his most powerful avatar.
Arnfinn is currently married to a brick wall, and has seven billion children (the most known of which being Aaron Carter, Steve Harris and Saddam Hussein). He is a well known Kung Fu master, and has the strength of one billion Bruce Lees (in Super Saiyan shape this is multiplied by an unknown amount of times, seeing as anyone he looks at when in Super Saiyan state will begin spontaneously combusting one billion times per nanosecond).
Arnfinn currently resides in Sweden along with his brick wall and failed child; Son Goku.
Jo Richard - The gray haired kid/carebear with a gigantic sword[edit | edit source]
Little is known of Jo Richard except the fact that he is a gray haired kid/carebear whom loves big swords. He collects them, makes them and generally treasures them above anything else currently in existence, and to this day he has 7 swords larger than the universe. He dyed his hair gray when he first played Final Fantasy VII and saw Sephiroth. This immediately resulted in an almost fetishistic love for gray hair. His love for big swords, on the other hand, comes from the series "Berserk".
Jo Richard has only one goal in life, and that is to forge a sword so big and wide that no matter where you are, you see his sword. He is currently working on this project as much as possible, but always gets discouraged when the Carebears make fun of him for not being happy like most carebears.
Jo Richard is a carebar, demon hunter, an emo kid, and a schoolteacher. He is located in Røros, close to the Twisting Cave of Eirin, where he takes use of the demonic forces.
Eirin, the Banshee Queen[edit | edit source]
Eirin is the dreaded Banshee Queen of underground Røros, the birthplace of the vast majority of the 14 year old hookers.
She was, however, unable to become a hooker herself, as any man who has ever laid his eyes upon her caught fire immediately, leading to a dreadful, fiery demise.
Most of the 14 year old hookers serve Eirin fanatically, but some of them have fled her underground den of sinful wretchedness and are now living in sin with the old, senile geezer who populate the overworld.
These "traitors" as it were have told horrid tales of a tyrannic dystopia beneath the surface, working 23 and a half hour each day, and only allowed to feed on expired battery acid and shattered glass.
Eirin's spokeswoman, Laura Poisontongue, has, however, denied these claims, stating that "our sla-uh, workers are given everything they need and are living a life in luxury alongside the Queen and her lieutenants. Now please go away. Immediately."
Eirin has the power to shift shapes, and as such she is an extremely dangerous foe. Her most common appearance is a regular teenage girl with shoulder-length hair. She uses this to fool demonhunters (who have long since gouged their eyes out, allowing them to battle these demons, though blindly) into her cave, on the premise of ice cream and bubblegum, where she mercilessly enslaves them and turns them into 14 year old hookers with her dreaded "14-Year-Old-Hook'o-Matic".
She specializes in using soundwaves as a weapon, and has a wide arrangement of terrible music to attack her opponents with (everything from death metal to pop). Other than that she often changes appearance and lures her victim into a vicious trap involving make up and scissors.
Eirin has existed since the birth of time, and throughout history many have tried to defeat her. The only one that has even gotten close to doing so is the psychotic demonhunter Andreas Razorblade, a malicious headhunter whos only goal in life is bringing death to as many demons as possible and creating a special sort of ice cream. He has sworn not to rest until Eirin is dead, and as such he has fought her countless times, only to be beaten by a hairs length and thus being forced to flee back into the shadows.
Eirin has four lieutenants which keep order within the underground, they are known as;
- Laura Poisontongue - Spokeswoman and captain.
- Sofie Mistrunner - Assassin and lieutenant.
- Emira Evilbitch - Lady of the demonic legion and lieutenant.
- Ingrid Plaguebringer - Head of biological warfare and lieutenant.
There are also two recently deceased lieutenants, one of which was killed by the demonhunter Jimbolian Headband. The other one died from toxic shock due to her excessive make up.
Map of Røros[edit | edit source]
- Confidential Material -
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- It is the third greatest city in Norway (more like snoreway), only second to Os and Funäsdalen.
- Jesus Christopher, rhythm banjo player in the black metal band Iron Ivars, hails from Røros.
- The greatest band of all time, Pluggsmurf Influensa, has played there several times on their "We Suck On Tour" tour.
- Røros is commonly considered the cradle of Quidditch.
- Røros is known as the pie, potato and dry lentil capital of the world.