Emojistan
The People's Republic of the Emojistan (Emoji: Bääbhøłâkäyäpøqägç Ëmøxhistanäßrägç (Persian to English meaning of "Ëmøxhistan": "Land of the Emoji/Ëmøxhi")) simply known as Emojistan or Ëmøxhistan, is a European country seperating the Middle East from the rest of Europe, forming a border. The country itself is only the total size of Vatican City, but it is the longest country ever.
Emojistan, or as they spell it, Ëmøxhistan, speaks a Germanic language known as Emoji, although it's more like Hungarian, as the language is built to be ridiculously flexible to the point of making single words untranslatable without context, and the Emoji themselves are rather Hungary themselves. This makes it difficult for English, Spanish, German, Italian, French, Greek, Russian, Polish, Albanian, and pretty much any Indo-European speaker to learn even basic Emoji, even though Emoji is actually an Indo-European language itself unlike Finnish and Hungarian, as it is a member of the Germanic family. However, it is not related closely to the other Germanic languages English, German, Dutch, Frisian, Faroese, Swedish, Norwegian, Icelandic, or Danish. However, the emoji people can learn those languages easily, which is why they are very capable of spying on us at any time. Some linguists think Albanian is Emoji's closest relative simply because Albania is a Muslim majority country, and Emojistan has "stan" in it like the Islamic Pakistan and Afghanistan. By that logic, Bosnian should be a close relative of Emoji too. Plus, as stated below, Emojistan is a strict Christian Fundamentalist theocracy, and as stated above, their language is Germanic, while Albanian is... uh... we don't know. What is very clear about Emoji is that every single letter and every tiniest variation of that letter of the Latin alphabet are used in Emoji.
Until the release of The Emoji Movie, almost no one knew about the Emoji people, besides their inhumanly simple body shapes and smiley faces. This 2017 documentary shed light upon the abuse of human rights practiced by this dirty socialist regime.
History[edit | edit source]
The Ëmøxhistan was founded around 2007 B.C. by the Apple tribe (Emoji: Ðärÿve Öqhäryłagç), whose leader Mäqïntääßh, or as modern historians call him, "Mac", wanted to found an individualistic society where everyone was different. However, his people, the Emoji people, were all identially shaped, identical-looking yellow balls with arms and legs, and weren't very different. So, he made the people constantly have different expressions 24/7. The Emoji were infuriated at him for trying to control him, but he managed to get them to do it by appealing to their sense of individuality. The Emoji, however, were persecuted, and wanted to form a single conforming nation. Mac pointed out that the American Dream showed that Individualism and Nationalism were not incompatible, so he insisted on modeling the Emoji Dream (Emoji: Kääyœçgâjëëkønööküpïf Ëmøxhiÿägç) after the American dream. Of course, Mac mistakenly thought that there were individualistic business owners and Christian families in America, when in reality, it was populated by tribes of anarcho-Primitivist spiritual people who would later be confused with people from Asia in between Pakistan and Bangladesh. Funnily enough though, white Europeans—speakers of the fellow Germanic English no less—would eventually migrate to America and form the United States of America. Hmmm... maybe they got their "American Dream" from Emojistan. Mac's best friend, ßÿłüürëçgääyrd Qääxü, or as he is now called, "Bloo", assisted him in encouraging people to adopt angrier and more violent personalities.
The Individualistic culture of Emojistan initially made them highly isolationist and atheist, but they opened up trade around 1100 A.D., with England, Germany, and the Scandanavian countries, as the Emoji could understand them the quickest. Spain, France, and many other European countries followed soon after. Christianity was eventually introduced.
Joining the Soviets[edit | edit source]
During the 20th Century, poverty struck the Emojistan badly, then known as the Ëmøxhi Union (ßbpëśçhäyäägź Ëmøxhiÿägç) Due to the atheistic individualist culture, Objectivism became popular, and lead to rich people denouncing the poor as "religious Jesus Freaks". The oppression of the poor with capitalism and antitheism lead to the Great Emoji revolution of 1949 (Wüsqhëëkaayüømÿt Ëxhødäðëmøxhiÿägç), which resulted in the establishment of the Christian fundamentalist communist regime now known as the People's Republic of the Emojistan. Their new leader, Høvër Häändü, declared owning private property, not finding women funny, watching South Park, and showing any respect for America or disrespect for Communism all forms of blasphemy, passed a law criminalizing individuality disguised as requiring it, and outlawed Ayn Rand. They then began persecuting Protestants, Catholics, and atheists.
The Emojistan government later teamed up with the Soviets and North Korea to try and nuke the United States, but Gorbachev became the Soviet Union's leader, and North Korea broke their ties with Emojistan when religious groups in Emojistan mocked glorious Kim Ill Sung by accusing him of homosexuality. Emojistan now went completely solo.
Xhëën's Cult of Personality & The Ëmøxhi Civil War[edit | edit source]
In 2017, an emoji named Xhëën Mÿę, or called "Gene Meh" by English-speakers, went to work one day and messed up the system by making the wrong face, and was promptly executed for stepping out of line. The world was in an uproar over the news of this, but the current president, ßmïÿęłäär, denied being at fault, and insisted the execution was justified, as the damage he did was collateral, and could have costed many lives and and a few dollars. Later that year, a documentary known as The Emoji Movie, produced by Sony Animation, showed a tour of the Emoji land, and investigated the Xhëën case. However, CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, NBS, ABS, PBS, CNC, ABN, PBC, PBN, CBN, CBC, NBN, IRS, ARS, ASS, and BuzzFeed were all ghost-co-financiers, and after this was found out, cartoon critics like Nostalgia Critic analyzed the movie and the initial reports, and saw the light—Xhëën was an extremist attempting to incite a Civil War against the People's Democratic Republican Socialist Labor Party of the Emojistan, but in doing so, broke perfectly reasonable laws instead of actually repressive laws, as Xhëën had gotten away fine with making faces before going into work and being unable to hold a still face for ONLY TWO SECONDS and screaming so loud that the machine broke down and almost killed tons of people. This, at first, seems like Gene was executed over an accident, but there are rumors that the machine was being used to contact an alien race capable of wiping out humanity, and that through this, Gene was a threat to ALL OF US! Gene then traveled with a very deformed hand-shaped emoji named "Häöÿvfäyv", or often jokingly called by English people, "Hi-5", (despite that "five" in Emoji is "Fþïbëk") to find a feminst activist, Princess Çïìtdnëe, who just went by "Jailbreak" (Ïçcëbpÿrësänagç), and like all modern feminists, she spewed completely contradictory points to reality, such as claiming that girls could only be princesses, despite the female president of Emojistan who later had Gene executed, ßmïÿęłäär, or as English-speakers call her, "Smiler", clearly not being dressed up like Cinderella, but rather, being a naked yellow ball like almost all Emojis. In fact, the communist nature of Emojistan made it politically correct when it came to attitudes toward women. Çïìtdnëe was just born into the Princess and Princes clan of Emoji, a tribe notorious for constantly picking fights with Armenians over who was more oppressed by a group of somewhat European, somewhat Middle Eastern chicken-like birds. Since Emojis are the most overused mobile phone accessory ever, we'll support the Armenians, despite that both the Emoji and Armenians are highly Christian.
The Emoji Movie was hated by many, declaring it to be a load of trashy product placement and superficially "feminist" and "politically correct" by implying that a threat like Gene should go unpunished. While it was true that Gene was someone who could have been unjustly executed to begin with for being different, President Smiler did not order his death until he SPECIFICALLY became an issue for humanity. There's a possibility that Smiler was lying, but that doesn't change that Gene should've done the smart thing and get out while he could.
Either way, Gene's story ends rather quickly, he proposed to Jailbreak, who does return his feelings, but rejects him due to her feminism. Gene then becomes depressed, and is promptly caught and executed by firing squad. Of course, Sony changed the ending to a happy one. However, Gene's death WAS publicized heavily, and lead to an uproar and promptly a civil war against the government.
Use of Emoji minstrel caricatures[edit | edit source]
Like blackface, the yellow balls with faces on them are often made into caricatures. For some reason, this is not called "Yellowface", as Asians are somehow stereotyped as being yellow. Yes, really. Emoji stereotype faces are simply called "Emojis", which is to say they are named after the emoji race, but the plural form is "Emojis", and the proper spelling, "Emoxhi", is never used. However, unlike Blackface or Yellowface, "Emojis" actually have a kind of accuracy in them. Emoji themselves have been required by law to retain one facial expression. However, despite the totalitarian Soviet Christian fundamentalist Commu-fascism enforced in the country, this particular law is only actually enforced when Emoji are working in their jobs. They are culturally expected to keep the face, however. This tradition dates to Mac's founding of the country. Because of this tradition, Emoji faces are often used to convey emotions, especially in texting, but is occasionally used in email and comments on social media too. Emojis are easy to create with just a keyboard. Just type a colon, hyphen, and then a parenthesee of any kind! It's that easy! For example...
- ":-)" is a smiley face. The current president of Emojistan, ßmïÿęłäär, is alleged to be one.
- "XD" is a "laughing" face. Why it is not called "Laughy" is beyond us. However, one of the reasons the above mentioned law of maintaining only one facial expression is only enforced at work is due to the historically high rates of deaths by laughter faced by the Laughter people (Pøqälëi Äbpßørtïdÿägç).
The Ëmøxhi also have their own word for expressive emojis—Ëmøxhäïþnøsëkkunögç, which literally means, "Emoji of racism". The Emojistani government, surprisingly, hasn't banned the use of "expressive" emojis, probably for the same reason glorious Post-Soviet Kazakhstan didn't (permanently) ban Borat.
However, expressive emojis are shunned by a majority of the adherents of Xhëën's cult of personality, who claim it contributes to the anti-individualism espoused by the regime. In fact, one of the factions, known as the Łøßërłääwońxh (which loosely translates to "Lazarus Star", though some Americans have called them the "Loser Lounge"), frequently hunts down foreigners using expressive emojis. One of their members, Ëkcgpłënt, has an unusual shape. Either way, he's obviously the least popular emoji in the state.