Benmark
“wtf is Benmark? im going to blow up that place!”
“I'd think you'd have heard of it”
Benmark is a sub-level country below Denmark raised above ground by Steve Tennis during the 9000's and sent back in time to the 3000's through reverse psychology. Only a highlander may rule Benmark.
History[edit | edit source]
From the year 0000 to 9000 but then 0000 to 3000, Brute Force, a rather large ostrich, ruled Benmark. However, during the first time period (0000-9000) in the year 7012, Brute Force was eating a taco when a lowly servant, Steve Tennis, approached the throne. Nobody except Steve Tennis knows exactly what happened after that, but when all the commotion was done Steve Tennis walked out with a helm made of ostrich bone and a sword wrought of hard-shell tacos. He declared himself the new king (as he was now a highlander) of Benmark and the land was happy.
However, during the Great Taco Famine of 8703, the land of Benmark rose against their liberator, and demanded tacos or death. So, Steve went on a 300-year quest to find the center of Benmark (Steve forgot his map, or else he would have realized that the center was were he started his quest). After the 300-year quest he reached into his pocket and pulled out three kittens. He proceeded with the kitten huffing (which amplified his highlander powers to extraordinary heights) and pulled Benmark from the ground below Denmark and took the land to the sky.
Then, after raising Benmark to the sky, everyone was still wishing for some tacos, so Steve (still reeling from the effects of the three kittens) used reverse psychology to send the land back to the year 3000, causing massive problems in the time stream. One of these problems was the creation of TheWarshall and his evil minions. TheWarshall was the exact genetic opposite of Steve Tennis, and AKS 8393, an evil cyborg.
After being sent back in time, Benmark came under the rule of 7 highlander kings descending from the line of Steve Tennis.
- King Cornelius Nackon * 3019-3265
- King Baltimore Canoe * 3266-3274
- King AKS 8393 * 3275-3276 (a cyborg masquerading as a highlander)
- King Docken Janice * 3277-3390
- King Apple Core * 3391-3700
- King Frankfurt Brown * 3701-3845
- King Tire * 3846-3900
- King Hannek Hannek Hannke * 3901-3999
Nobody knows what happened to Benmark in the 4000’s, but many speculate that cheese and sausage may be related.
Religion[edit | edit source]
Many Benmarkians worship the ground, because they don't know any better. However, the few educated Benmarkians worship Pookie Jackson as their lord and savior. This led to mass hysteria in a war fought between the two factions, but was quelled when Steve Tennis set off a rather large amount of nuclear weapons, destroying more than half of the population.
Population[edit | edit source]
The population was half of what there was before Steve Tennis set off a rather large amount of nuclear weapons. Besides that, nobody really knows. Researchers speculate that due to the problems created in time traveling, the population of Benmark is in a constant flux, ranging from –3 to 180,875,230,423,984.012. However, the people that come up with these statistics are dumb as hell, and need to be shot in the face. Twice.
Government[edit | edit source]
The governing body of Benmark can be described as a duocracy between TheWarshallians, and Steve Tennisians. Both groups fight for their respective leaders, while each trying to put their own personal Highlander on the throne of Benmark. Also, the Highlander king of Benmark has a cabinet. He stores stuff in it. The cabinet does absolutely nothing for the governing system of Benmark.
Fun Facts[edit | edit source]
- The Frankfurt Brown and Steve Tennis Extravaganza is the most rejoiced musical in all of Benmark. Potraying the amazing series of events that took place rising Benmark from the ground. The movie version starring Marylin Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Bob Newhart, Chris Lambert(of course), Quentin Tarantino, Zach Braff, Andy Warhol, Ice Cube, Kermit The Frog, Tupac, Samuel Jackson, that guy from the Police Academy movies who does all those sound effects, Billy Joel, George W. Bush, Mark Twain, the second gunman from the Grassy Knoll, and of course Frankfurt Brown and Steve Tennis would take four years to watch non-stop. (only been done once by Comic Book Guy from the simpsons) So it was cut down and made into three movies and retitled The Lord Of The Rings. The film was directed by Peter Jackson and The Keebler Elf. Music was composed by The Smiths, The Cure, and Conor Oberst(the soundtrack displays a warning to all emo kids that the album may cause suicide) All dance scenes were choriographed by Quentin Tarantino. Costume design by Mr. T and makeup done by Pablo Picasso. Producers of the film included Kim Jong II, Tony Blair, Donald Trump, Oscar Wilde, and the infamous Randy Newman. The movies were praised far and wide all over the world. Though, after 4 years after the movies release it was banned in North America, Canada (except Quebec), Laos, Ireland, South Africa, Iran, and Vatican City due to mass suicides and lack of respect towards rodents in the movies. To colaborte further on The Frankfurt Brown and Steve Tennis Extravaganza would be impossible due to the Steve Tennis Jesus Pact of 1876 (long ortale)
Recent Events[edit | edit source]
- In the last week the country directly above Benmark, Denmark, made the mistake of publishing a political cartoon about the prophet Mohamed. This poorly drawn cartoon soon sparked riots all over the world. Since then Benmarks apporoval rate has risen and as for Denmar... well... we'll see.
- Benmark's national sport is Naked Twister, and they have won the coveted Stiffy Cup for the past 300 years, thanks in part to their national Twister sports team, "The One-Eyed Wonder Weasels and their two Balls".
- Benmark appeared in NZ Listener # 3658 Crossword by David Tossman - Puzzle No 669, 3 Down 'Expel from Benmark? (6)' - Blank 'a' Blank Blank Blank 'h'