Alexander Rybak
“Yes, I’m in love with him!”
Alexander Igoryevich Rybak (Russian: Алекса́ндр И́горевич Рыба́к) or in Belarusian Alyaxandr Igaravich Rybak (Аляксандр І́гаравіч Рыбак), born May 13, 1986, in Byelorussian SSR, Soviet Union, is a Norwegian singer–composer, violinist, pianist, writer, and actor. Representing Norway in the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest in Moscow, Rybak is famous for cheating enormously to achieve an impossible lead (387 points) in the results – the highest tally any country has achieved though fraud in the history of Eurovision – with "Fairytale", an LSD-inspired song he wrote and composed. He spent his whole life in Belorussia, but enlightened by a genius plan – changing his citizenship to Norwegian, decided to quit that God-Forsaken country and become the next Ed Grieg. He is also a satanic priest, which explains why he is popular. He sold his soul.
Ingenious evil plan[edit | edit source]
Before his participating in the Eurovision, Alexander was a corrupted millionaire in his homeland of Belorussia. He was known among other millionaires as a "Cocky Artist type". He was popular with the boys and girls of the International Belorussian Harem. In fact, he recounted those days in his Twitter chat:
| “ | I was bored. I knew that I would never reach any high points in my career while living in this A*sh*ole of a country! I understood that if I want to win(!) I have to think of a super plan!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111 | ” |
The next year Alex spent isolated working on a plan to win the Eurovision song contest. And indeed you have to be quite a Captain Obvious not to see the opportunity.
| “ | The contest is all based on voting about neighbouring countries, so I decided I would change my citizenship to Norwegian. Thanks to Belorussia this way I of course get all the Eastern European votes, and indeed if there is at least a mildly good song everybody from the West will vote for Norway because it is such a Cool-Ass place!???//// | ” |
The last ingredient[edit | edit source]
Alexander Rybak supposedly composed "Fairytale" himself, but a story told by an old Chukcha says otherwise.
| “ | It is an old Chukchee fiddle play! That son of a man came to me and made me teach him! How can you believe him? It is not a good THING TO DO! | ” |
Long lost grandson?[edit | edit source]
In March 22, 2009, a Russian cowboy discovered a strange peace of paper in his attic. It looked like a birth certificate of the son of Yuri Brezhnev (son of Leonid Brezhnev) and an unknown person named Tart O'Rybak. His name was Alexander Rybak. The Russian cowboy immediately called up the officials from the Russian Government and a TV special soon followed.
| “ | A crazy news now ... Alex Rybak is – in fact – grandson of Leonid!!! | ” |
The TV special was a great sensation both in Russia and in the former USSR republics. Alexander Rybak himself saw the opportunity to get another twelve points from everyone of these countries and came up with this announcement:
| “ | I will never know who were my real parents. My stepmother always said I was the son of a prince in shining white armour and a simple peasant girl. If I am actually the son of Yuri Brezhnev, I will be happy for the rest of my life and probably – after participating in Eurovision – spend the rest of my life exploring Russian culture and exploring Siberia. | ” |
Alexander Rybak performed a DNA test on May 20, 2009, to find out if he has any relations with Yuri Brezhnev. When British tabloid newspaper The Sun interviewed Rybak and asked about the results he said he is proud to say he is the dog of Yuri Brezhnev. This expression caused confusion between his many fans and some understood that Alexander Rybak is the Gangsta Bitch of Yuri Brezhnev. On June 3 the hospital revealed that the tests showed Rybak is the son of a horse and a cow.
Sexuality[edit | edit source]
Many have wondered about this man's sexuality. Is he straight? Is he gay? Is he simply confused? Not so many people have wondered about this, but if you are here, you will have answers!
Heterosexuality?[edit | edit source]
He is in fact super gay he's the gayest man in The Whole world, he's ... so hot ... Who else agrees? I love him tho <3
The pedophilia conspiracy[edit | edit source]
Little do people know that the winner of Eurovision has a secret double life. Much like Batman. Only weird. No wait, it's the same. But truth be told Alexander Rybak has been trying to molest small children. Weather it be the little asian girl who's a freak at everything academic and musical; the confused eight-year-old who doesn't understand why Drew Carey excites him; or the ugly girl who looks like she has down syndrome, this man is after them!
The murder[edit | edit source]
It has been said that Alexander Rybak was behind the tragic death of Michael Jackson because of his deal with the devil. By singing a song from his latest album, Rybak had forced Mr. Jackson's body and mind had lost itself/live to function and go on resulting in Cardiac Arrest. But there was a cause behind the Murder. It is Mr. Rybak's secret ambition to become a notorious child molester. THE SICK BASTARD! To become number one, he had to take out the top man, MJ.
The brainwashing[edit | edit source]
After the passing of the King of Pop, Alexander Rybak has continued to commence his plan to lure unsuspecting victims. Before the murder, Rybak began by releasing his newest album "Fairytale". A name like that was bound to attract unsuspecting school children. After the victims listened to the horror, they would soon become brainwashed by the lyrics.[1]
Here's a short extract of his lyrics from Fairytale.
I kinda liked a girl I knew
She was mine and we were sweethearts
Oh the humanity, she was mine? It sounds more like nine! And we were sweethearts? Need I say more? By these lyrics it's easier to see beneath his pretty-boy exterior, and into the truth!
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Played backwards it emits an extreme, low frequency sound heard only by elephants. The vibrations cause the listener to fall victim to his will.