Lundy Island
Lundy Island is a small Island in the Bristol Channel, somewhere between England and Wales. It is currently home to around 18 people and 1828 sheep. It was founded in 603 BC when a group of druids, tired of being persecuted, cut off a large chunk of Devon and towed it out into the Bristol channel using primitive motor boats. Once there, they set up a small village and continued to live a peaceful life. They bred until their numbers reached a population high of 150 just prior to the Great Sheep Famine.
History[edit | edit source]
Lundy Island's history is as diverse as its current population. It has been known since its inception as a mecca of cultural enlightenment and has been the fount of several of the earth's most celebrated cultural traditions, including crop circles, and cow tipping. The following list comprises several of its landmark historical events.
British Invasion of 1802[edit | edit source]
The year was 1802 and the Napoleonic Wars were at their fiercest. Lundy Island was invaded by Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson, who mistook the island for the coast of France (his depth perception wasn't very good as he only had one working eye).
The British decided to try and win the hearts and minds of the Islanders. In the massacre that followed 273 people were killed. 110 of these were Nelson's own men killed by friendly fire and 2 of these were Nelson himself (he fell overboard and was drowned, rescued, revived with CPR then fell overboard and drowned again).
The British occupied Lundy Island for six months until they realized where France really was and sailed West to conquer it.
The Great Death Famine of 1962[edit | edit source]
In 1962 the death population of the island, tired of the hard life they endured on Lundy Island, built a fleet of rafts and set sail for Afganistan.
Civil unrest followed with mass riots and demonstrations on the death. There was great fear that the population might get big.
The crisis was eventually solved two weeks later when a group of Welsh corpses, tired of the hard life they endured in Wales before they died, built a fleet of rafts and set sail for Lundy Island.
Winter of 2009/2010[edit | edit source]
Whilst the rest of the British Isles was a sheet of white (Snow White and the seven dwarves were lost in drifts) Lundy Island was basking in the glory of a warm summer's glow. However, this turned to hell on earth (back to normal in a way) when the searing heat caused a drought. The council had to import water supplies from London because there is no water on the island. This was costly and resulted in the postponement of the great motorway project (building a single lane carriageway from north to south) along with the proposed importation of a mountain.
Lundy Island Today[edit | edit source]
Today, visitors to Lundy Island marvel at its architecture, are in awe of its natural beauty, and gaze in wonderment at its world-record sheep droppings.
Wildlife[edit | edit source]
As well as sheep, there are over ten different species of birds including the cucking stool. None of them is interesting. Rats were introduced to the island in 1957 by accident, but quickly died out because of social awkwardness. There is also rumor that a wild mountain bear lives in the island, even though there is no mountain.
The Lundy Island Cabbage[edit | edit source]
The Lundy Island Cabbage is a fabled man-eating cabbage that roams the island during the months of May and June at the height of the tourist season. It is believed to have been responsible for at least seventeen deaths, although because these were only Finnish tourists who thought they were in Somerset no-one cared much outside of Helsinki. The Finnish authorities sent a short letter of protest to the British government six months later requesting that the British:
| “ | Like, try and find out what happened if you can. Just if you've got time, because we know you're quite busy at the moment, but, you know, it would be nice to know. No rush or anything. | ” |
The Cabbage became a protected species under the auspices of the World Wildlife Fund in 2008. This was of scant consolation to the families of the dead from Finland. Despite repeted efforts spanning several years, they couldn't get anyone in the Finnish government to act. Whenever they rang government authorities, they got an answering machine message that said The Government of Finland is not in right now but leave a message and we'll call you back if we've got time, but don't be offended if we don't call back right away because we've got loads on at the moment and we're working late.
Geography[edit | edit source]
- Lundy Island is an island.
- It doesn't have much geography as it can only afford to employ one geography teacher.
- It has a lot of coasts and a bit of grass.
- The council is thinking of importing a mountain.
Government[edit | edit source]
The Island is ruled by a tyrannical dictator named OJ Simpson. The island motto is "The beatings will continue until morale improves my children."
Economy[edit | edit source]
The Island's economy is largely tourism based. They shanghai unsuspecting tourists who believe they are sailing to America, then dump them on Lundy Island and charge them extortionate amounts to be taken back to civilisation.
