Staten Island

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The Relevant and Interesting Boringh of Staten Island
Motto: Nobody gives a shit about us
StateNew York
CountryUnited States
Official language(s)Staten Islandese
MayorJoey Salads
CurrencyU.S. Pesos
Opening hours69 AM - 420 PM

Staten Island is a magical island enshrouded in mystery. According to legend, it is situated within the New York Harbor, east of the Shores of Jersey, south of the indigenous Manhatta Tribe, and west of the Long Isle. It is only accessible through the help of the legendary Staten Island River Fairy who is said to reside in the harbor directly south of the Park of Batteries. Many people deny the existence of Staten Island and don't believe in such things as River Fairies, and as a result the island is the most obscure of the five boroughs of New York City.

Those who claim to have set foot there tell tales of a middle-class subspecies of New Yorkians who call themselves the "Staten Islanders". However, nobody cares.

Etymology[edit | edit source]

Staten Island comes from the Latin term Stateus Islandius, which translates to "Boring Barbarian Land".

History[edit | edit source]

Before God was born, the island started as a civilization now knows as Atlantis. The people of this time knew the answer to everything and lived perfect lives. However, a little bit later, climate change happened, and the island sank into the sea. During this time period, the utopian civilization was gradually eroded. By the time sea levels lowered and allowed the island to reemerge 100 quadrillion and a half eons later, the once prosperous city was reduced to boring houses (instead of megatall skyscrapers made out of gold), foul-mouthed taxi drivers (instead of demigods riding chariots pulled by unicorns), and a freaking McDonald's (instead of a grandiose diner with real food specializing in gourmet dodo steak).

And that is the tragic, long and complex story of Staten Island.

Geography[edit | edit source]

Staten Island is the fifth boringh of New York City and is also the planet's 8th continent. It has the highest natural point in the city, high enough for the Dutch to consider it a "mountain". Regardless, Staten Island is generally flat, desolate, depressing and a wonderful place to live. Staten Island is considered to be an island, a piece of land surrounded by big water, even though one could actually walk from the island to New Jersey if one was so inclined. A lot of its infrastructure consists of abandoned buildings teenagers like to vandalize because they have nothing better to do. Staten Island shouldn't be a part of NYC, because there aren't huge skyscrapers and no public transportation.

Demographics[edit | edit source]

Staten Island is New York City's least populous borough, with only a population of the entire state of Wyoming. As of 2019, Staten Island's population is 100% ordinary, 40% white, 30% black, 69.69% Hispanic, 11% Asian, 1.7% Pacific Islander, and Infinity% of the Staten Islandese race.

Religion[edit | edit source]

Around 101% of Staten Islanders worship the true God of Enthusiasm himself, Ben Carson, in a religion called Carsonanity.

Misconceptions[edit | edit source]

Staten Island is often confused with the otherwise nameless island in New York Harbor that hosts the Statue of Liberty. In all factuality, Staten Island's view of the enormous and breath-taking statue is currently blocked by a large billboard advertising a local company that leases billboard space to disadvantaged Presidential candidates and copious quantities of impenetrable smog. Also, Staten Island is no longer overrun by federal immigration enforcement agents because even illegal immigrants have standards.