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"I'd like to get a look at her offfff, if you know what I mean."

-Oscar Wilde on of

Of, pronounced Ov, the English preposition, is one of the more interesting two-letter English words, apart from "Ni" and "ho." It has a variety of uses, including as a Genitive; with a verb of being, as "to have"; priority; as a partitive; as a motive or causative. It is not the middle syllable of the British word "governor."

"To have"[edit | edit source]

This use of of is much more visceral than with normally saying "I have..." and implies actual, physical grasping of the object. Hence, if one says, "I am of the opinion (that)..." it is generally taken to mean that the opinion is holding him tightly around the neck, and could you please help him remove it?

Partitive[edit | edit source]

When of is a partitive, it is said to mean left or to be a leftern of. It is always used to indicate the left portion of something, and is always left from the perspective of the person being talked to. For example, "I'd like a piece of cake" means "Please cut a leftern piece from that cake and give it to me." Of in this scenario is the opposite of starboard, as in, "I'd like a piece starboard cake."

Motive/Causative[edit | edit source]

Whenever of is used for its motive or causative purposes, it is always preceded by damn and followed by a future tense verb, usually will. It is meant that whatever of refers to coerces, convinces, or inspires the speaker to do something. Note on pronunciation: both of these are frequently contracted, the former to just its first letter and latter to its usual contracted form. Hence, "The damn of will made me do it" (note the use of the future imperfect tense here) is often pronounced in colloquial speech as "The d' of 'll made me do it."

Genitive[edit | edit source]

In many, if not most, instances, "of" is meant as a genitive; specifically, it is most frequently used by males as a female genitive, viz., "Yo, shit, you didn't even buy her a drink and she showed you her of?" and it is somewhat less frequently used by females to refer to their own genitives: "My of started bleeding today." Very occasionally of is used by males as a male genitive, as in, "Maybe you need a limp of smack to the face." Of is about equally rarely used by females of other female genitives, and almost never by females speaking of male genitives: you would never hear, "I got him off with his of." Genitive of is fairly rude usage, and of should be shunned in polite or mixed company.

Idiotic[edit | edit source]

Some people use "of" as a substitute for "have/'ve" - for instance, "I could of done that." This is a symptom of Shopkeepers' Disease, the sufferers of which deserve immediate death.

See Also[edit | edit source]