Brian Boitano
“Did someone say my name?”
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
“What would Brian Boitano do? He'd go ice skate, you dumbfuck!”
Brian Boitano is a world renowned Olympic ice skater and emu farmer. He made his acting debut as himself in the box office hit South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut and since then has appeared in over 700,000 movies, 15,000 of which featured Rove McManus.
What would Brian Boitano do...[edit | edit source]
Some of Brian Boitano's promised actions to better our world....
- ...if he were attacked by rabid squirrels? He would probably use his tae kwon do on them.
- ...if he was interviewed by Larry King? He would bite his head off.
- ...if he became the leader of the Clock Crew? He would dance around in his pants.
What DID Brian Boitano do?[edit | edit source]
“THESE ARE COMPLETELY REAL EVENTS! THESE ARE ACTUALLY EVENTS AND EXACTLY WHAT BRIAN BOITANO DID DO! I AM SUPER CEREAL.”
- Brian Boitano routinely saves fair maidens from grizzly bears in the Alps with his magical fire breath.
- In 1850 Brian Boitano had to fight the King of France in order to save the Queen of England. The battle raged on for 14 years before Brian Boitano used his Triple Roundhouse Axle Twirl, a variation of his father's Roundhouse kick.
- Brian Boitano travelled forward in time to the year 3010 and defeated the evil robot king to save the human race... again
- Yesterday and tomorrow Brian Boitano was forced the fill out his tax forms. He used his complex Jewish tax handling skills to complete them in a matter of seconds.
- Several thousand years ago, Brian Boitano built the pyramids while beating up Kubla Khan.
- Crab People invaded Sweden in 1982. Brian Boitano had to clone himself in order to eradicate the problem.
- Ate some cheese.
- When he was in the Olympics skating for the gold, he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold.
- He singlehandedly kicked cancer's ass. SHABANG!
- Brian Boitano ACTUALLY beat Sephiroth without cheating.
Brian Boitano and MC Spanner[edit | edit source]
Early last year Brian Boitano and MC Spanner recorded their first and only duet. The song was titled, but the title was soon forgotten. Although the song was considered to be the worst song of all time it sold of 500 million billion trillion copies. Over 99.9% of those were sold to MC Chainsaw and MC Cocktail Waitress (the inventor of both the parachute pants and inflatable raft pants). Brian has been quoted saying he will consider recording a second song, and promises it to be much much worse.
Brian Boitano VS Space Goats[edit | edit source]
In the non-existing 2003 Olympics Brian Boitano and the Space Goats went head to head in an ice skating showdown. Brian scored a perfect 7, leaving the Space Goats feeling ashamed. In an interview with a local radio station the Space Goats accounted their loss as bad luck. This was complete bull however and they were all executed for lying under oath.
Brian Boitano prepares for the 2006 Olympics against Oscar Wilde. End very long heading now![edit | edit source]
Brian Boitano is currently preparing for the 2006 Olympics with long time friends Eric Cartman, Phil Margera, and Effrum the Retarded Rabbit. He will be competing against returning champion Oscar Wilde. He admits the challenger will be tough, but with the grand genes of Chuck Norris he feels he is up for the challenge. To prepare, Brian does 5 push-ups a day, as well as watches a Dharma and Greg marathon every Monday. He also has undergone several Musical Montages to prepare.
Powers[edit | edit source]
- Super Strength and Endurance
- Flight
- Super Speed
- Magical Fire Breath