UnNews:Twitter bird has mortality problem

Sunday, July 23, 2023

by John Cleese

British comedy legend working on behalf of a different bloody union

Cleese:  “There seems to be a wee bit of trouble with the Twitter logo bird. How do I put this delicately? It is no longer of these earthly realms. It ceases to be. Our feathered friend has gone up the river. It's met its maker.”

Musk:  “Pardon?”

Cleese:  “Sir, can you not see that this poor fowl is defunct?”

Musk:  “Yeah, we don't need it anymore.”

Cleese:  “It seems nature has decided the same. Look at it. The poor chap has flown the coop. It's gone west. It's popped its clogs!”

Musk:  “Don't be silly. He's just taking a nap.”

Cleese:  “The only nap he's taking is of dirt. He's pushing up the daisies, as they say. He's come to a sticky end. Gone for a Burton. Bought the farm. Hopped the twig. Copped the pocket. Had his chips and lost his teeth. Fluffed the nicky!”

Musk:  “What's wrong with it?”

Cleese:  “I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it! I tell you, the bird is dead!”

Musk:  “Don't be ridiculous. He's just resting.”

Cleese:  “I would certainly know a dead bird when I see one and this one's definitely sleeping with the fishes!”

Musk:  “No no he's not dead, he's, he's resting! Remarkable bird, the mountain bluebird, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!”

Cleese:  “The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.”

Musk:  “Well, if he's so dead, prove it.”

Cleese bangs on the cage, yelling comically.

Cleese:  “'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttlefish for you if you show...”

Musk bangs on the cage.

Musk:  “There, he moved! Now, leave!”

Cleese:  “I'm afraid that's fake news. You banged the cage.”

Musk:  “I did no such thing!”

Cleese:  “'Ello, Polly!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!”

Cleese takes the bird out and throws it about the room. Musk seems unphased.

Cleese:  “Inclined to check his pulse?”

Musk:  “You stunned him. He was in the middle of waking up. Mountain blues stun easily.”

Cleese:  “Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. You assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out from all the daily bollocks on Twitter.”

Musk:  “I think he's just pining for the fjords. I'll see what Fox News has to say about it.”

Cleese:  “Pinin' for the fjords???? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I logged on today?”

Musk:  “The Mountain Blue prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable bird, isn't, Mr. Cleese? Lovely plumage!”

Cleese:  “I examined this here bird me-self. I discovered the only reason it wasn't moving. I'm gonna nail you for this, you bastard!”

Pause.

Cleese:  “'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! This is an Ex-Bird!!”

Musk is unphased.

Musk:  “Well, why didn't you just say so?”

Cleese:  “You shall replace him, right?”

Musk checks behind the counter.

Musk:  “Yes, with a nice, beautiful X. You know, to appeal to the cool kids.”

Cleese:  “An X? Are you bloody mad?”

Musk:  “Yes, I am. But you must forgive me. We're fresh out of birds, unless you want something prehistoric.”

Cleese:  “A Twitter Pterodactyl is still a bird.”

Musk:  “I got a slug.”

Sources

• Anne D'Innocenzio "Musk says Twitter to change logo to "X" from the bird. Changes could come as early as Monday." Associated Press, July 23, 2023