NoFap

Those naïve fools will just starve themselves to death over the winter! -Old Grandpa Almonds (deceased 2021)

Eat all the nuts you want, in the apocalypse we'll be the ones laughing at you. -Anonymous

They probably don't even have the nuts to fight back! -Oscar Wilde on NoFap

NoFAP (No Fucking Acorns, Period), formerly known as No Nuts Please, is a group of squirrels which promotes abstinence from nuts and seeds of any kind, in a strong resistance to the primal urges of the squirrel race. They are best known for the challenge known as "No Nut November" (NNN), in which acorns, walnuts, and all other kinds of nuts are forbidden to be consumed for an entire month. If a NoFAP squirrel is discovered to have eaten any nuts, or stashed any for winter, its nuts (along with its testicles) are ripped away. The group believes that abstinence from nuts will eventually lead to a state known as Squirvana, in which enlightenment, of some sort, is achieved. Some "NoFappers", as members of the group are known, believe that successfully running the gauntlet of No Nut November may also grant superpowers such as flight or levitation (which is not as useful for squirrels since they are virtually immune to fall damage).

Origins

The logo of NoFAP, formerly No Nuts.

NoFAP was founded by the now-deceased Pistachio Nutsolini, the retired dictator of I Scoiattoli Grandi (pronounced highly expressive and yodelly), in 1995. Nutsolini had previously gained a bad reputation for allying with Nutzi Germany, a power-hungry nation known to persecute chipmunks and prairie dogs, during the Great Squirreled War II: Totally Nuts! (now a major motion picture). He eventually surrendered and started an anti-nut movement, due to the use of horrible weapons, such as the Nuclear Walnut Death Bomb and Mega-Cashew Exterminator Ray 9000, before dying months later. The whimsically-named No Nuts Please gained popularity over the SquirrelNet, with critics boringly referring to the group as, well, "nuts". Obviously, the NNP tried to explain that they weren't nuts (assuming you are what you eat), but nobody believed them.

Customs and rituals

The group has since gotten close to becoming a religion, almost a cult, in fact, with Nutsolini being seen as a martyr and carnivorous animals as the pinnacle of living creatures. Thus, among hardcore NoFappers, the cougar is both a symbol and a god. Some of their "traditions" (which in human years would not quite be old enough to become truly traditional, but a squirrel's life is far shorter than that of a human) include:

Cashtration: Various types of nuts, partcularly cashews, are picked from trees, then fed to scrawny squirrels. These squirrels are then used for their propaganda photos, depicting the average nut-eaters as weaklings. These squirrels are then chemically castrated.

The Great Substitution: All members of NoFAP must sign a contract to become promoted to the rank of official NoFappers, known as the Liberated Rodents or L.R.'s for short. The actual contract is equivalent to the story of Xenu told by Scientologists, in that it is kept secret by members of the group, and you probably aren't a squirrel, so you'll almost certainly be rejected immediately... unless...

Signing of this contract is accompanied by a ritual known as the Great Substitution, a feast in which berries, leaves, and the roasted carcasses of dead nut-eaters are all that is served.

Seeds of Revenge: This was originally the codename for an infiltration plan devised by the pro-nut group "We Don't Starve!", colloquially known as the "Coomers" even outside of NoFAP. To NoFappers, however, Seeds of Revenge refers to a tradition in which several nut-eating squirrels are leaked plans, then encouraged to infiltrate NoFAP. The NoFappers then must root out who these impostors are, and once they are rooted (often a legitimate member is mistakenly believed to be a Coomer as well), they are forced to fight in a Hunger Games-esque blood match. Critics of NoFAP have condemned this practice as medieval and barbaric, and some moderate NoFappers advocate for the abolition of this ritual.

See also

• HowTo:NoFap