The Hunger Games (film)
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The Hunger Games is yet another one of those movies that has been adapted from a book to the big screen to help aid those who can't read, have no imagination, or reside in the areas of Arkansas, Tasmania, or any country that has entries to the Eurovision song contest. The original book was written by Suzanne Colon-Cancer in 2008, and was turned into a full motion picture by Gay Moss and Michael G. Spotboil in 2011 for Lionsgape Pictures for a summer of 2012 release. The movie stars Jennifer Losttits as Catshit, a poor girl living in the future with nothing better to do then use a bow and arrow to hunt for birds because, now that in the future, there is nothing better to do, since the governments have abolished all Twitter and Facebook accounts. In the future, Reality TV is the big thing to watch on DTV, but only the poor people may be a contestant, provided they are OK with being killed during the games, and will show no regret to killing someone if they win. Any questioning this judgment will result in a pissed off Santa Clause, who will leave you coal under your tree if you do.
Concept[edit | edit source]
In recent years, the minds of teeny-boppers have become so stupid that movie and TV makers are raking in the money from gullible kids all across the globe. With the success of such wasted wank material as Twilight, Harry Potter and Deal or No Deal, it's no surprise that Lionsgape Pictures wanted to get in on the action and create their own line of movies that would suck in the stupid and willing brain-dead teenagers attention. When Michael G. Spotboil and Gay Moss approached Lionsgape Pictures with the idea of turning Suzanne Colon-Cancer's brain-dead novels into a movie. Lionsgape immediately threw millions of dollars at the two men, and gave them the green light to make a movie based on the stories that seemed to have been written by drunk monkeys opening up their own gaping bum-holes to butt-spew the novel onto paper and blow-dry it into a screen play. Being that this has worked successfully in the past for every script Michael Bay has had his hands on, it's no surprise that The Hunger Games will be the next big thing that adults wouldn't piss on if it was on fire.
Main Characters[edit | edit source]
- Jennifer Losttits (Catshit)- Jennifer plays this role of a humble 17 year old female who has a retarded mother and a baby sister. She is influenced by her hero, Robin Hood, and enjoys having two men fall in love with her at the same time. She may have the name "Losttits", but her tits are not all that bad, and possibly the only thing that makes her role in this film memorable.
- Josh Hardonforson (Penis)- Josh brings nothing to this film. He shouldn't be there, isn't needed, especially since he doesn't get killed like everyone wanted. He plays the role of someone who claims he loves Catshit, then turns on her to join the other team, and then unsurprisingly rejoins forces with Catshit, because he wants to get him some sweet ass before he dies. He has the ability to paint his hands in such a way that it will camouflage them when held up to a tree, but he is so stupid, he never uses this tactic during the games.
- Woody Penison (Hey, Bitch)- Woody takes on the role of this character after he was promised that if he took the role, Guinness World Records would name him as the most consistent actor in Hollywood with the worst hair style. Lucky for Woody this opportunity arose before it was too late, as he was about to re-join his buddy Wesley Snipes for a sequel to White Men Can't Jump entitled; "Black Men Can't Swim" where his hair would be cut to look normal once again.
- Elizabeth Wanks (The Drag Queen)- Elizabeth was the only transvestite willing to take the role and provide her own make-up and clothing for the role. She was not even aware this was meant to be an acting role, she thought it was a documentary on her life, but then demanded a payout in the end when she caught on that this was not a documentary on her life, because there were no Thailand lady-boys in sight.
- Lenny Kravitz (Lenny Kravits)- Lenny plays a role of himself loosely based on how he sees himself in ten years time.
- Donald Sutherland (Santa Clause)- Donald portrays the role of Santa in the future. The sort of Santa we all expected he would become when Welfare offices catch up to the fact that the lazy bastard only works one day of the year. Santa now owns a Reality TV program where he selects the naughty contestants to fight for their right to exist.
- Jonah Hill (unknown)- Jonah Hill possibly actually is not in this film, but he's in everything else, so we will list his name here just to be on the safe side. We do believe it was his anus that was used for the promotion poster of the movie tho.
Plot[edit | edit source]
In the future a war broke out between the people who believe toilet paper should hang with the sheet to the inside, versus the ones who thought it should hang to the outside. This war almost destroyed civilization completely, but in the end the war was won by the Americans who believed paper should be abolished and slaves should just lick their bum-holes clean for them instead. This resulted in only the rich being able to afford to have slaves, so the poorer people where sent out into rural areas formed into districts. It's unknown why they call them districts, as their is not a single traffic light in site.
In celebration of winning the war, Santa Clause, played by Donald Sutherland, runs a Reality TV show once a year where contestants from the poor districts are chosen to compete in his own version of Survivor vs Lost that he simply calls, "The Games". It's not really a game though, it's just a show about picking a bunch of random poor people and throwing them into a farmers paddock that happens to have a high tech jungle with trees that can Ha-Do-Ken you if you get too close to the edge of the perimeters.
Two people are chosen from each of the 1312 districts to play the game. This game has been airing on TV for 75 years so far, and not one person, contender or viewer, has ever complained that the event is completely barbaric, nor do PETA groups object to these people spearing animals that look like Zuul and The Keymaster in their dog forms they appeared as in Ghostbusters.
In the future, in these districts, each poor person lives in a Village that resembles the old Robin Hood days. But luckily for them, their village is not burned down at the start of this film, like it is, in every Robin Hood flick. Lucky for them Mel Brooks didn't direct this one! If you where to visit one of these places, you would probably think you where not in the future, but had gone back in time, but then you would notice they have a projection unit that shows them the events of the reality TV show, and you think to yourself, oh ok, it is in the future then.
The poor people accept that they may be drawn out of a hat at random and be escorted to the big city by a drag-queen and Woody Harrilson. None of the contestants have a cry, show any objection to possibly being guaranteed to being killed during the games, that they have a family that needs them, or that it's an unfair advantage to send in a bunch of 12 year olds to fight with 18 year olds, nope, everything is just peachy with the villagers, this is the norm. Obviously the people in the future have gotten stupider, as internet access rights have been stripped and Reality TV is the only thing they can watch. This explains why the people in the future are stupid enough to keep wanting to have children, or, possibly they are much smarter, as they know that once they reach 19 years of age, they will never be chosen to compete, can get married, and if they have kids, the little pricks will probably be dead by the time they are 18, so no worries in not having a sex life again for 20 years.
The Pre-Games[edit | edit source]
Once the contenders have been picked, they are taken by the drag-queen and Woody to the big cities where everyone has ridiculous gay hairstyles and such small intelligence that if they took a shit before a test, they would lower their IQ so much they would fail. But they have money, even though no one seems to work in the future. They have all the nice food, while bread in the future for the poor people has apparently become such a rare thing to be able to make that it's considered a delicacy! Obviously the people of the future are as stupid as we thought, as they obviously have electricity to watch TV, but can't seem to operate an Easy Bake Oven.
Before the games commerce, the chosen poor schmucks must put on a fashion parade. Each is dressed up by Lenny Kravits as a warrior from Gladiator, except for Princess Padme Catshit and her partner Lou Zerr, who have a more modern suit from the likes of X-Men, and they can withstand being set on fire. In the future, the rich people like sparkly & shiny things, so having a Matrix leotard on that spits out fire is an excellent way to get their attention and receive sponsors. Twirling around in a dress that catches on fire is another terrific way to grab their attention! That's damn good information there, just in-case you ever find yourself teleported into the future.
After the fashion show in-front of the spectators. The training will begin to judge the contestants on how crap their skills are, in order for the rich to decide on who will die last. It's all judged on how good you can throw a knife, spear, or big rock boulder. Should you find yourself in the future, and competing in the game, don't worry about the boulder thing, there is no need for it during the games. Just focus on the bow and arrow shooting, fire a shot at the rich peoples dinner, take a bow and say "Thanks for considering me"... it makes no fucking sense, but hey, like we said, the people of the future are fuckwits.
After a good nights rest, the contestants are ready for the games.
The Game; How it's played[edit | edit source]
The contestants are each placed in a separate bathroom where a man named JigSaw will speak through a puppet and inform them that he wants to play a game. Then Lenny Kravits will tell them that he thinks they are hot, and if they survive the games, he'll autograph his new CD for them. The contestants then enter a large penis pump, and are elevated into the playing field. Each of the 30 contestants, aged between 12 and 18, must then wait on their starting sewer lid, and wait for a traffic light to countdown from 20, and then run as fast as they can to gather weapons and supplies from a tent like they had in M*A*S*H. It's at this point you, as an audience member watching this, wonder why running was not something these poor schmucks included in their training.
When the buzzer sounds, all contestants either run for bags and weapons, or fuck off into the woods to hide. Most who go for the weapons end up being killed by the big blonde stereo type bully who seems to have trained all his life for this moment, even tho players are picked at random. Beware of this guy should you ever find yourself in the future and inside of this game, pay no attention to the 6'7 black guys that could rip off your head and shit down your neck, no, beware the 5'10 blonde dudes with a death wish.
The main character of this story, Catshit, knows that survival is the key, and not to fuck with the blonde guy, instead she should make friends with a black girl instead, so that the 6'7 black guys won't kill her given the opportunity. It's all about being down with your homes. However, audience reactions to the scene where the 12 year old black girl becomes friends with Catshit was one of the most unliked moments in the whole movie. This was due to Catshit supposedly helping and protecting the kid, but the kid ends up dead anyway. It's not that it seemed too convenient for Catshit, as everyone knew the kid had to die because their cannot be two winners, but the fact that when the kid did die, she didn't eat her. This did not sit well with audiences, as everyone kept thinking, "If that was me, I'd eat her to stay alive". It was just too unrealistic to believe.
So once all contestants, the ones still alive, have run to play hide and seek away from blonde guys with a death wish. That's when survival instincts come into play. The contestants must get to know their surroundings, and use their brains to find food, shelter, and beehives. You might also think that if no one informed you of who was still in the competition, that it might make you edgier and more focused on killing the others, but no, Santa Clause shows pictures in the sky and blasts cannon shots away so you know who is dead or not.
From then on, most contestants just sit around and hide until they are found and killed. During the game, their are hidden cameras in the trees, and they broadcast the events taking place to the rich pricks. To make things interesting, Santa Clause might invite the contestants to have dinner together and offer needed supplies. But it's not needed, as long as you flash what yo momma gave you at the camera, the audiences will like you, and you will gain sponsors who will deliver you needed supplies like, medicine, soup, and lube, via a small anal bead on a parachute.
In the end, when it comes down to the last 3 or 4 contenders, the creators of the show and Santa Clause will create a beast using a computer that magically comes to life and hunts you down. If you manage to kill all these four legged dogs on steroids, and other survivors are still in place, then Jason Voorhees will be resurrected and come looking for you. The last person standing is the victor, and it's time to go home where you can live happily ever after, provided you chose to not remember what happened during the events and the people you had to kill... kind like saying to a Vietnam Vet who has flashbacks, "Hey, just pretend it didn't happen and you will be alright".
Victor[edit | edit source]
There was only supposed to be one winner, but during the games, the rules were changed so that both the couples from District 1312, Catshit and her sidekick Penis can be the first ever team to win. This causes a large riot in the all-black community of District 9, where they are pissed off that both their niggers where killed, and the white bitch with no booty won it with her partner who they believe is a future prospect to be a regular visitor to Vegemite valley.
The Victors are then given a crown and a guest spot on Jimmy Kimmel to talk about how much they enjoyed playing the games. In this case, Catshit and her partner in shame smile for the camera and wave, and light their own farts on fire to please the crowed. They receive a standing ovation as Jimmy judges the length of the flames via a replay. Then they are then given a home board-game version of "The Games" to take home, and an autographed copy of Lenny Kravits latest CD.
They then return home heroes, but are then bashed to death by their village mates for not bringing back any food from the train ride home. You can't blame them, bread is so rare in these places, and these heroes where on a train full of cakes, fruit, breads, meats and they did not think to swipe any for the poor and starving people.
Audience Reactions to The Hunger Games[edit | edit source]
Audiences of this film mostly love the film, probably due to them all being Twilight and Harry Potter fans. These audiences are represented by those of the ages between 12 to 18, and should be placed in districts themselves to be sacrificed for rich peoples amusements... or the middle class, or the lower class, or just anyone with an I.Q high enough to know magic is not real, Vampires don't sparkle, and if a vampire really did exist, they have no heart beating, therefor no blood is pumping through them, which results in a limp dick useless cold corpse that could not possibly satisfy you in the bedroom, let alone the fact rigamortis would make them walk like zombies and they would stink to high hell from the rotting smell of their flesh.
Only the stupid ones will sit through this film eating their popcorn and smiling as they watch a bunch of victims get chosen to be murdered for the personal amusement of rich snobs, and not once question the fact that no one in 75 years in this story has protested about its values, or that the districts have not caused an uprising. No one even died before the French rose up against their leader during that war, but don't worry, as long as you have your popcorn and phone to tweet about how sexy some fag is you think is yum, then of course, this movie will be successful and string out a bunch of useless sequels.
Proposed Sequels[edit | edit source]
With box office success, grossing over 4.2 million in retards money, filming a sequel will commence in 2013. Rumored titles for the sequel and other titles in the series include:
- "Hunger Games 2: Caught with Pants on Fire"
- "Hunger Games 3: Mock the Gay: Parts 1 and 2"
- "The Running Woman"
- "Catshit Croft: Tomb Raider of the Lost Arches of McDonalds"
- "Friday The District 13th"- a prequel to The Hunger Games
- "13 Hungry Ghosts"
- "The Hunger Games: Christopher Johnson Returns to District 9"