Protected page

New England Patriots

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A helmet of the New England Patriots, c. 1083, highly sought after by military memorbillia collectors

The New England Cheaters (also known as the Patriots, Pats, or Patsies) were a renowned terrorist group operating in New England from 1077 to 1084 as a result of William the Conqueror's unfair tax rates for non-Norman peasants. Their most notorious act was single-handedly causing the Not-So-Great Fire of London in 1081, which forced William to set out a reward of 10 shillings for their death or capture, the worst reward known at that time. The group dissolved because they were unhappy with their reward, as they were intending to report each other to local authorities to attempt a financial scam. They later reformed under the same name to form a covert football video recording company.

Early History

Originating from Sussex, the Patriots were formed by a then-unknown Sir Lancelot, who had recruited roughly twelve protestors with the likes of a young Steve Urkel, Jimmy Stewart and the Ayatollah. The common theme between the protestors were that they were all not of Norman race, and that they were incredibly ticked off with Protestants. The new England patriots are a team based in new England....they are often praised but are in reality very overated. they have won 3 Super Bowls...however they made two of those Super Bowls by "bullshit" calls by two very mundane officials. and when they made it to them they 0nly won by field goals..they didn't exactly "squash" them. But the reason they are so overated is because the years that they did make to the play-offs...or ALL of them...they where pitted against a pathetic schedule...playing "shit" temas all year round proving how bad they really suck...they barely make it to the play-ofs...even WITH such half-assed schedulss. The New England patriot fanbase is known and reowned for being unintelligent arrogant retards. not realizing how bad their "pats" really are.


A calculator-generated rendering of the Not-So-Great Fire of London

After the Devonshire bank robbery of 1079, a teenager by the name of Yasser Arafat had persuaded the group to join forces with the Nationalist Jewish Foundation to march against the common enemy, Palestine. The march was planned to be performed in 1089, which gave the Patriots enough time to make plots to take over New England.

Late History

By early 1081, the membership count of the Patriots was believed to be nearing a thousand, which was enough that was needed to set up their greatest plan...

The Not-So-Great Fire of London

The Not-So-Great Fire of London was devised by the public relations minister of the Patriots, Alexander Downer as a diversion for the planned coup of New England. Due to Downer's Australian heritage, he had drank too much beer and was intoxicated for the duration of the fire, leaving several hundred members without any idea of what to do next. This incident was known as the greatest failure of all-time until World War VI.

A wanted poster of Sir Lancelot, c. 1084

Decreed terrorists

William had decreed the Patriots as "annoying terrorists who are a pain in the arse, to be quite frank" and set out a reward of a record-low ten shillings for the capture or death of its leader, Sir Lancelot in 1083. This had infuriated Lancelot, who was expecting at least ten pounds for his reward. As a result, he had sent his entire crew to destroy Bristol. Due to the lack of a real plan, they had only succeeded in stealing all of the alcohol in that city. This caused another reaction by William, who had decided to set out a reward of ten shillings for every single member of the Patriots.


Increasing tensions within the group had been growing rapidly since 1082, when the coup was aborted in favour of a charity drive for English victims of the Martian Civil Rights Movement. This and Lancelot's alcoholicism was proving to be too much for orthodox Catholics in the group. In late 1084, a large majority of the group decided to move on to better and more profitable careers, such as carpentry, manual labour and the development of Hair Metal.


The Patriots way of revenge.

The New England Patriots are the most widely disrespected organization in the NFL, if not the world. Teams repeatedly show their disrespect to the Patriots by winning the Super Bowl, and then offering a ride to the flocks of people who immediately fall off of the Patriot bandwagon, while the media disrespects the Patriots by suggesting that the Colts were better. The World Cup, an event held every four years solely to underestimate the Patriots, has further fueled this general lack of respect. Only the gloriously loyal fans of Boston see through this fog, and their arrogance upon Patriot victories is wholly laughed at.

Players use this as a fuel for their victory. Shortly before the 2003 AFC Championship game, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning said that Tom Brady was his favorite "little man" and that he "loves having a fan, as faithful as Tommy" and hoped Tom would someday bring him gatorade, as he once did for Brian Griese.

The Cheating Era

Patriots new logo for the 2008-09 season

The Patriots were able to win 3 super bowls by video taping the opponents, then trying their plays in Madden Football to see if they work. The faces of the team has also been known to cheat on their wives and girlfriends (song about Patriots cheating). As a punishment, the Patriots will be banned from the Madden video game until John Madden dies. The Patriots are currently appealing this decision, on the grounds that their undercover surveillance is protected under the Patriot Act.

Since the Cheating scandal, many other camps started loading their sniper rifles with a recording device so that they can see their opponent's coaching style. With this new technology shit we got, it's hard to get caught. Please do not mind about the gunfire during the game and the casualties occurring against other snipers.

See also