Jay Cutler
“Hey Jay! Nice to meet you. I mean, you kinda suck, but my dad says you might be good some day!”
“Don't care.”
 If Jay cared as much about football, or life, as much as his cigarettes... ehh, who cares? Speculation is for the weak. | |
| No. 6 | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Chain-smoker, also quarterback I guess |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
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| Height: | 6 ft 3 in (1.91 m) |
| Weight: | 231 lb (104 kg) of solid apathy and tobacco |
| Career information | |
| High school: | doon't caaaaaaaare |
| College: | Vanderbilt (somehow) |
| NFL Draft: | 2006 / Round: 1 / Pick: 11 |
| Career history | |
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| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records:
| |
| Career NFL statistics | |
| TD–INT: | doon't caaaaaaaare |
| Passing yards: | doon't caaaaaaaare |
| Completion percentage: | doon't caaaaaaaare |
| Passer rating: | REEALLY doon't caaaaaaaare (probably really low) |
| Rushing yards: | doon't caaaaaaaare |
| Rushing touchdowns: | doon't caaaaaaaare |
| Packs smoked: | Probably some obscenely high number |
| Record vs. the Packers: | |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
"Smokin'" Jay Crispy Cutler is apparently a chain smoker and according to legend, a former American football quarterback. He was drafted to dick around on the Denver Broncos before he was shipped off to dick around with the Chicago Bears for much of his career, where he was best known, before calling it quits and half-assedly dicking around with the Miami Dolphins for half a season or something. Well, what do I care? I put just as much effort into this article as Jay put into all his football career.
Early life or somethin'[edit | edit source]
Jay Christopher Cutler was apparently born in Indiana during the early 1980s, a time of great patriotism and carelessness in America. Legend has it that he came out of the womb with a smug expression on his face, as if to say "So this is what life is like? Meh." As a child, he did care about some stuff at first, but eventually got bored all the time and kept wanting to find something cool to do or something. Young Cutler tried everything from art, music, ballet (not caring what his classmates thought), drugs, looting with the bad kids, and skydiving, but all of them bored him. A good thing is that he didn't even need D.A.R.E. to teach him that drugs are not "cool". Somehow, he figured out that he was good at football and that if he made a lot of money playing it, he'd have a comfortable lifestyle that allowed him to keep not caring.
Jay's favorite players growing up were Len Dawson, Fran Tarkenton, O. J. Simpson, and Jeff George, all due to their "don't care" attitudes while still somehow managing to succeed at being good at football. Well, all of them but Jeff George, who was only good for bombing the ball over them mountains and not much else. But Cutler still admired his attitude. Credit him for looking up players before his time instead of just jumping on the Joe Montana bandwagon. Montana was kinda boring anyways with that dink-and-dunk short passing game, never mind those Super Bowl wins.
In high school, Jay kept playing hooky because fuck the school system, but was still somehow well-educated due to reading classic literature out of boredom and mentoring from his manly-man of a father, who basically might be Ron Swanson. Jay's natural, Super-Sayan skills tossing the pigskin wowed his high school peers and opponents, and his "don't care" demeanor while doing so made him a legend, allowing for the local high school to automatically give him all A's in school and get him multiple Division I college offers. Hey, when you don't care, it might actually work wonders!
College life or somethin'[edit | edit source]
Cutler was given an offer by every Division I FBS team in the country in addition to being asked out by half the women in the country, many of which got arrested for trying to solicit a minor. But he chose Vanderbilt of all choices. When asked about why he chose to play quarterback for a school that belongs in the Ivy League rather than trying to get that sweet, sweet SEC football money getting their asses kicked by real college football schools, Cutler simply replied "It's a good school, I guess. Maybe not for football but other stuff. Thanks to them for the free ride to college!" before blowing cigarette smoke in the reporter's face.
Over four years as Vandy's starting quarterback, Cutler compiled a smokin' hot record of 11–35. Actually impressive considering Vanderbilt was straight trash in the 1990s and that they never had any offensive line, hence Cutler always being on his ass in the grass (see above). The fact he was able to "don't care" his way to all those garbage time stats and even win some games was impressive. He could have just declared for the NFL draft but fuck that shit, why not just enjoy that college life and get a degree? Cutler didn't care too much about getting out of college and living the high life in the NFL, but did care about getting his degree. Interesting...
Actually, Jay was a local legend at Vandy. By the way, I also went to Vanderbilt, wanna hear the story of how Jay did a bunch of-
"DOOOOON'T CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRE!"
Oh hey Jay! What are you doing on Uncyclopedia?
"Ah, just checking it out for the kicks."
You're... not offended by this page?
"Nahh, it's cool."
...Awesome! Hey, by the way while you're here, can I get your signature or something? You've been the only cool player in Vanderbilt history! ... Jay, Jay, you there? Please! You were the only thing keeping me sane in my 30 years of following Vandy football! You gave us hope even when Florida, Georgia, Ol' Miss, and Alabama kept pounding us into the ground! Jay??!!! JAAYYY! PLEAAAASE!
Pro football career or somethin'[edit | edit source]
Denver Donkos or somethin'[edit | edit source]
Jay could have been the first quarterback, hell, even the first pick selected off the board in the 2006 draft had he cared more and played at a real football school, which would have helped his draft stock and win-loss record in college. The honor of being the first quarterback selected instead went to Vince Young, who wound up being a bigger disappointment for being drafted that high, having inferior stats, and going crazy afterwards. I guess Jay did have a point about lowering his draft stock so that he wouldn't have been as big a disappointment in life as Vince Young, who went crazy after he cared too much and had too little to show for it. Ha, Vince Young is such a loser!
Oh, and that Matt Leinart dude was also selected before Cutler. By the Cards. Ha, loser!
Cutler was selected 12th overall.. or what was it, 10th overall? Ehh, don't care.. by the Denver Broncos, who cared too much about finding the next John Elway after Jake Plummer wound up being a "disappointment". Wait, why did they even need a new quarterback? Didn't Denver almost make the Super Bowl the previous year? Oh right, they didn't, that's why. It was Plummer's fault they lost to Big Ben.
An open competition was held for starting quarterback, and as you can guess, Cutler didn't care, so Plummer won the starting gig again. Thing is, coach Mike Shanahan's fragile ego got stepped on when he cared too much and tried to sabotage Plummer at all costs necessary, only for Plummer to win anyways and laugh in Shanny's face. It was made even worse when Plummer led the Broncos to number two in the division while Philip Froggin' Rivers and his memable face led San Diego to number one. Shanny got so pissed off that he booted Plummer into the sun and said to Cutler "hey rookie! You can beat out that goofball Rivers, right? Here ya go, you're starting at QB now!"
Unfortunately, Cutler was no Philip Rivers, nor did he have the same dumb luck as Big Ben as a rookie. Not only did Denver choke the season away, miss the playoffs, and end up at number three in the division that year after the KFC fry-cook chefs somehow snuck in, but Cutty proceeded to only care about his stats and have to deal with Shanny's big ego always screaming profanities at him, leading him to not care even more. Denver pissed away the next two seasons being mediocre under Shanahan and Cutler, watching Phil "Ned Flanders" Rivers and the Chargers win the division every year, and Shanahan was booted into the sun. Especially after choking the 2008 season away to Rivers and the Chargers in week 17 to no fault of Cutler's and all fault of the defense, which caused Shanny to lose his mind and run out of Qualcomm Stadium to jack it in downtown San Diego. Cutty watched the resulting spectacle from the distance and sipped a coke.
See what I told you about caring too much about beating that goofball Philip Rivers? Jay would have been happy as a backup quarterback for a few more years and Plummer would have gotten you some more wins, right? Coach Shanny is such a loser!
Da Beers Bears or somethin'[edit | edit source]
As a reward for tanking Coach Shanny's career and not caring in Denver (okay, it was really Shanny's fault to begin with), the Donkos shipped Cutty off to the Windy City to play for Da Bears in exchange for Kyle Orton, a fourth round pick and twelve casks of moonshine to keep the alcoholic Orton happy in Denver. The Broncos also tried to trade a couple of blunts to the Bears, but were overruled by Roger Goodell and the NFL, so they shipped off a couple of packs of Marlboros instead. Damn, they really didn't care that Orton had access to a whole tanker trunk worth of booze? That shit would kill you faster than a couple of blunts. Whatever, Orton can take it.
It was here that Cutler rediscovered his love for them ciggs. In Denver, they only really served to keep him warm in that mountain weather, but something in the Windy City really drew out that nicotine addiction. Perhaps it was the cold Chicago wind, being subjected to that god-awful music by Kanye West, having to deal with Chicago residents caring a bit too much about that blob of cheese-colored silly putty they call "pizza", or having Aaron Rodgers being in his division now. Either way, what do you care about these reasons for Cutty smoking too much?
Hell, what do you care about his career in Chicago? The man saw the chance to earn a paycheck and did just the bare minimum to stay relevant in the NFL and the Windy City! Deal with it! He easily broke Rex Grossman's season passing record of 3,000 yards by simply not caring about Chicago's sacred tradition of having game manager QBs and fatass, vaunted defenses. Cutty threw for 3,001 yards in his first season, but also threw 50 picks that year, causing Chicago's vaunted defense, led by Brian Urlacher, to stop caring and buckle over. Cutty then threw for 3,999 the next season and singlehandedly led the team to the playoffs, but then the defense, which stopped caring about life in general, allowed Rodgers to publicly humiliate them in Soldier Field in the NFC Championship. Cutty then stopped caring himself and valiantly sat down because he had a "bum kneecap" and that he should "maybe stop playing or somethin', ya know?" Backup Caleb Hanie then immolated himself trying to keep the Bears alive to no avail, and Rodgers now gives thanks to Cutty for allowing him to advance to and win his first (and to this date, his only) Superb Owl. Rodgers still won't shut up about it, little punk ass bitch. But whatever, if it makes Rodgie happy..
NFL fans are now seriously pissed at Cutler for creating the entitled, prissy and pouty current incarnation of Aaron Rodgers by being a "little bitch" and sitting out. No seriously, you thought Cutty was joking? His knee had caught fire and he played through it while not caring about the pain! Had he kept playing he probably would have blown up, you entitled fans!
Jay Cutty played a few more seasons with Da Bears, but this time he actually stopped caring about his play. He never broke 4,000 yards, and now Bears fans are prissy that Cutty stopped caring and smoked a cigar with a glass of Jack instead of making that one last throw to make Chicago stop being the only NFL team to not break 4,000 yards passing in a season. All this negative attention to him caused him to go from not caring about himself and being selfless to getting jaded and being a selfish prick. Cutty was later benched for Josh McCown, who did a better job for about eight games before spontaneously exploding from caring too much. When called to fill in for McCown, Cutty then said "nahh I'm good" and hung up his cleats after making some good dough by swindling Da Bears.
Chi Town, however, remains a wreck to this day. Especially as Cutler's last coach and all subsequent coaches all went crazy and ran off to jack it in San Diego, and all subsequent QBs, including Mitch the Titty Kisser and Justin Fields, sucked ass trying to replicate Smokin' Jay's legendary adventures of apathy. Cutler's franchise passing records continue to be untouched by those loser quarterbacks. And McCown went on a long, drunken bender, waking up one day as a Brown, only to go 0-16 with that trash team and go on another drunken bender. Ha, losers!
Plus, no one liked Rodgers either after a while as his true character was inevitably exposed. Why should Cutler care?
Cartoon campaign or somethin'[edit | edit source]
As the first "superstar" quarterback for Da Bears since Jim McMahon (no really), Smokin' Jay got his own Saturday morning cartoon character on the Care Bears show, voicing himself as the character of "Don't Care Bear" as the NFL thought this would inspire millions of young children from the Chicago area to pick up the pigskin, grow up to become football players, and mash their brains to a pulp, all for the sake of the almighty dollar for the NFL. Unfortunately, Don't Care Bear, who also shared Smokin' Jay's affinity for them ciggs and not giving a fuck about anything, instead taught children how to be complacent, not give a fuck, and inspired the kids to huff Xanax and become emo-rap Tik Tokers. In other words, just like any other character on the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon!
Miami Florida Mans or somethin'[edit | edit source]
As a reward for not caring for Da Bears and trying to enjoy his retirement, the Miami Cokeheads kidnapped Cutler and forced him to play quarterback when their quarterback Ryan Tannehill spontaneously died on the field from all the free coke provided by then-head coach Adam Gase. But alas Jay said "Dooon't caaaaaaaare" and phoned it in, allowing Buffalo to finally make the playoffs again while Miami descended into chaos. And no one cared that Jay played a season in Miami. He was cool there, though, simply going back to being a retired bum after the season. Gase himself was arrested and extradited to New Jersey within a year for caring too much about his coke-fueled NFL adventures in Miami. He then lost his mind after two years of coaching the Buttfumble and is now jackin' it in San Diego.
Family or somethin'[edit | edit source]
Wait, Cutty actually cared enough to have a family? Oh right, he banged some reality TV chick named Kirstin Callamari or somethin' and apparently enchanted the girl with his apathy. And then he had three kids with her and abandoned 'em all after convincing them not to get vaccinated. Or somethin'. Just like any other deadbeat dad!
Actually, apparently he loves his kids very much. Just that Kristin cared too much about reality TV and dragged him onscreen to his annoyance, so it didn't work out with Smokin' Jay's lifestyle. But once again, what do I care? I'm doing all fine without a beautiful woman by my side or any kids! ...sniffle...sobs uncontrollably
Post-retirement life or somethin'[edit | edit source]
After finally calling it quits from football and running away from Kristin with all the money while leaving her with the kids during the week, Jay Cutler is livin' it up on his ranch, running a podcast, chopping wood, hunting and grilling, drinking Jack (though nowhere near as much as his predecessors Kyle Orton or Rex Grossman), bein' a ma-fuckin' manly man, and still smokes several packs a day moved up to smokin' cigars. No, really. He somehow doesn't have lung cancer and apparently never will.
Most importantly, Cutty still don't care. Or maybe he truly does. We'll never know at this rate. Nobody cares.
See also... or somethin'[edit | edit source]
References or somethin'[edit | edit source]
- Jay Cutler “DON’T CARE!” story goes mainstream
- Smokin' Jay Cutler: The Meme You Never Knew You Needed
