Antonio Brown
Nominated Article
Nice try, Antonio. You can't just write a biased article about yourself, especially as one already exists for you.
Here's a ten-game suspension from Wikipedia and a $10,000 fine which, to be honest, we're not sure you're even going to pay. Have fun being fun-employed with Kanye!
 | Too Many Facts Detected! This page may contain too much factual information. To fix this, please add a sensible amount of nonsense and frivolity. |
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| No. 17, 81, 84 | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Wide Receiver |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
|
| Height: | 5' 10" with a 10" dong |
| Weight: | 180 scrappy lbs |
| Career information | |
| College: | Central BOOMIN' University |
| NFL Draft: | 2010 / Round: 6 / Pick: Underrated |
| Career history | |
| |
| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
| |
| Career NFL statistics | |
| Pro Bowls: | All of them |
| Super Bowls won with Big Ben: | Big Ben is a chump |
| Super Bowls won without Big Ben: | 1, with Tom Brady. It's called KAAARMA! |
| Receiving yards and TDs: | A whole lot |
| Chaos caused: | Also a whole lot |
| Bitches fucked: | Over 9000 |
| Bitches sued by: | Over 9000 |
| Children: | Over 9000 |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
Antonio Travis Scott Brown, Sr. (born July 10, 1988), also known as AB (like that punk ass bitch T.O.) or Mr. Man Tits,[1] is the greatest receiver of all time and rapper, and dancer, and masked singer. Don't like it, I suuuue you. The franchise face of the Pittsburgh Steelers starting in 2010, he saved it by his hard work and is the greatest receiver of all time. You hear me? Of ALL TIME! He is from the Pit, not the palace, and made the Pit what it became known for. Big Ben is a meany poopyhead and so is Coach Tomlin.
He is the most humble man on the ...
Alright, cut. Antonio! You know we're not supposed to write a biased article for you, right? And are you sure you want me to write in that amateur tone?
"I gotta whooole lotta money! Who you think you are? You don't make me look good on Weeniepedia Imma sue yo ass!"
What do you mean sue me? I'm your lawyer!
"SUE YOU ASS! YOU DONT FUCK ME OVER! Imma drop you faster than the Patriot drop me."
You sure you haven't dropped the ball on your comeback attempt yet? Hey, hey, don't take it out on the next-door neighbors. Drop the TV, don't smash it on that poor kid's head. I'll write the article as I promised.
"You know I just playin' with you right? Haha we cool."
[sigh] Alright let's do this. Antonio is a bit hungry for work at this moment so he paid me to edit his article. Little does he know that all my edits on Wikipedia got me banned from the site due to those bureaucrats so Uncyclopedia will have to do. [wink]
Growning up in the pit[edit | edit source]
AB grew up in the hood, born to Florida Man and his bicchh. Florida Man eventually left home to play Arena Football for some team in Albany or something. So AB was always kinda angsty as a kid, and he took it out on those punk ass kids on the football field.
Going to college and getting lit[edit | edit source]
AB was the best, most litty football player in high school ever! He even played quarterback, running back, receiver, punt returner, and defensive back, and at one time his center was a bum-ass-bitch so he had to snap the ball to himself and even throw to himself at one point! He then tried to get to Florida State University, but they jealous of AB's greatness and banned him from coming. What did they mean AB's grades weren't high enough? AB play high school ball to be cool, not be a nerd in school!
After Acorn State Gayiversity also couldn't handle AB's greatness, he decided "fuck it" and went to some obscure prep school instead for another year to get his GED. In that prep school, he also happened to play football too. Central Michigan University, also known as "BOOMIN' University", finally took note when his one game was lit, where AB passed to himself for 600 yards and 69 TDs as his team won 420 to -69. Finally seeing his greatness, BOOMIN' University gave AB a chance.
AB don't gotta go study though. Studying is for chumps. So everyone did his homework for him. Especially in English.
Playing for the Pitt[edit | edit source]
Antonio got drafted by the Pittsburgh Steelers waaaay too late. That's because he is THE FRANCHISE! That scrub during training camp didn't think so, so we go and SUUUUUE him! That after AB kept shouting in that scrub's face before the scrub slapped him and made him cry.
AB was so great Pittsburgh went to Super Bowl in AB FIRST YEAR! All AB had to do was return a few kicks. But because Big Ben didn't look at AB's way like he did with Santonio Holmes, Aaron Rodgers beat the shiit out of the Steelers in the Super Bowl. Antonio a better wideout than Santonio though!
Either way, AB kept doing great stuff for the Pitt. He also debuted the Lego haircut and kicked down that Brown kicker!
Vontaze with da hitt[edit | edit source]
In 2015, during a game against those stupid poopyhead Bungles, AB was happily playing catch with Big Ben and leading da Pitt to another playoff win. Actually, rather, Cincy was about to snag its first playoff win since the Stone Age
Antonio, just let me write, this was what really happened! Don't cross that shit out man!
"NO! Das bulllsheeet! Cincinatti ain't got shit on us! We da best!"
Hey, don't you want to make both Big Ben and Burfict look bad?
"Ahh, you right."
Yup, anyways, Big Ben was a dumbass for letting da Pitt slide to A. J. Freakin' McCarron, that backup quarterback whose only claim to fame was having a hot wife who Brett Musburger drooled all over during that college bowl game-
"Dat girl hotttt doe!"
AB, can you just let me write? Pretty sure your baby mama just knocked on the door too.
Alright, he's gone for now. So where was I? Oh right, so all the Bengals had to do was stop the drive and finally beat the Steelers, plus Big Ben threw a wobbler of a throw to Antonio. But noooo, Vontaze Burfict just had to pulverize poor Antonio with a head-to-head hit and turn Antonio's brain into spaghetti, gifting Pittsburgh a free fuckin' win at the cost of AB's sanity. Actually though. Before the hit he was just a psycho football savant, now he's actually a bit cray cray. Exhibit one: every time he has something drop on his head or he hits something or someone, he's always like "Daaamn, that [thing] hit harder than Vontaze Burfict!" or "Daaamn, this weed hit harder than Vontaze Burfict!" every time he takes a hit from his bong.
"Yo lawyer guy, Chelsie just came by and started bitching like a bicchh again, so I threw some more of those gummy dicks at her! Daaamn, I hit her harder than Vontaze Burfict!"
See what I mean ... Wait. Antonio, you did what?!! We've talked about this several times! Don't throw shit at the mother of your kids man! Hey, hey, quit throwing those freakin' gummies at me man!
"Daaamn, I hit you with those gummy dicks harder than Vontaze Burfict! Haha"
...
I'll be right back.
Goin' down da shit[edit | edit source]
Last days in the Pitt[edit | edit source]
AB takin' over here. That lawyer nigga can't imitate my style at all, so lemme keep telling you my story my way. Let him clean off those poopy gummy dicks off his small chest.
Yeah, so Burfict come and mashed my head into a crater, and without me, Big Ben and the Steelers couldn't do a damn thing against that gallopy forehead guy whose once solid arm turned into silly putty. Kinda like how Ben became after I got kicked off the team. But that's a story for later.
The year after, we actually did pretty solid! And I felt better than ever! Any other hard hits to the head don't matter cause I shrug it off all the time! Only downside is I can actually type properly at times btt dan smtmz asdiopap dsoiaoishpsdd.asdifuhagha it comes in waves. Anyways, that year in 2016, we even made the AFC Championship game again but then that Brady guy beat us! I made a call to Big Ben and Coach Tomlin to give ME the ball more! I AM the Franchise! But no, then they got that JewJew Shit-Pooper kid in the draft instead. Nigga, they for real??
Also, who the fugg does T.O. think he is? I got the best dance TD dance moves! Just look!
And they even put ME on the cover of Madden that year! Top of the world, betch!
"Jesus, what the fuck was in those gummies, man- hey, Antonio, you can't just come back and write your own article, man! That's what almost got you sued by Wikipedia and required me to come on!"
Nonono, lemme tell my version of the story, man, everyone knows the rigged version!
"Antonio, that's why you hired me on, remember?"'
Come on, you don't know how much of a Meanie McShitFucker Big Ben was, man! And JewJew also tricked me into doing some shit man! JewJew gain me trust by giving KARMA to Vontaze and knocking him out! Then JewJew stole my Fortnite dance! Then we get buttraped by Bort and the Jaguars in 2017 playoffs, wasting 3–13 record.
"Don't you mean 13–3?"
And then next year I get angry and shit on Big Ben porch, then toss shit at my neighbor because I angry, get pull over for going at reasonable speed. Why everyone so slow in Shitsburgh? fap on crap on shshdhdksksodbdhejxifjndpsodhrurjrjejdjAAAAAAADBHDJSKDMLSOSNDNDJDUFJhrjs^#&#<#&$&$&#&#;>×<$<$&#&
"Antonio, you probably don't want to admit that on- what the hell are you doing to the keyboard? Let me type."
BIG BEN A MEANIE! JEW JEW A MEANIE! COACH TOMLIN A MEANIE FOR MAKING JEW JEW TEAM MVP! WE NO GO PLAYOFFS THAT YEAR BECAUSE JEW JEW DROP PASS VS SAINTS! AAAAAAA
"But also didn't Big Ben lose a game by forcing the ball to you-"
BIG BEN NEED THROW BALL BETTER TO ME!! AAAAAAA
Jokeland is shit[edit | edit source]
And ... it looks like AB just raged and ran off. Guess I'll take over the article again.
Either way, there's gotta be a good, reasonable explanation for why my client raged during his last few years in Pittsburgh.
Antonio was traded to the Raiders following that debacle of a season that got named "Days of our Steelers" due to all the drama that happened. I negotiated with the Steelers to make sure they didn't just can his ass.
I'll probably mention that seeing Vontaze Burfict again, but on the same team, might have triggered some suppressed fear and animosity in AB. But also, Coach Jon Gruden, who also took in Nathan freakin' Peterman and made him the most loved practice squad player in the league after being run out of Buffalo for throwing five million picks, should easily have done some work into rehabbing AB's image, but there may have been some things off. Coach Gruden also may have been racist and exist, which was why I leaked those old emails.
"NOOOO, Vontaze and I cool now! Except sometimes. Coach Grue also a Meanie McPoopyhead for not allowing me wear favorite helmet from my high school year! Why Coach Grue love white boy Nathan Pick-man so much!! Coach Grue a cracker! Mark Davis a cracker! He a cracker with toilet bowl haircut! So I do shit like shit on windshield of Mark Davis shitty ass 1997 Dodge Caravan! I no show practice!"
Oh boy, looks like all his repressed memories of Oakland are coming out, but Antonio, for the last time, you don't want to openly admit that here!
"I THEN DEMAND TO TOILET BOWL MARK DAVIS MAKE MY CONTRACT FULLY GUARANTEE! GIVE ME FREE ICE CREAM AND COOKIES FOR LIFE! GIVE ME HOES WHO SUCK MY DICK AND FREE MASSAGES! MAKE ME OWNER OF RAIDERS TO STOP CRACKER BULLSHEEET! DEREK CAR ALSO WEIRD MOTHERFUCKER! OR YOU CUT ME!"
Antonio ...
"AND THEN THEY CUT ME! IM FREEEEEEE. I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
... and he just ran out again. I don't get him, man. I need a drink, and not just a shot of Henny. The whole damn bottle, and then some.
To the enemy of the Pitt[edit | edit source]
And then somehow, out of nowhere, the New England Patriots of all teams made a move that would make all Yinzers, including UrinatingTree, rage and cry salt: they decide to pick AB off waivers!
Antonio, you're back! You good, man?
"Yeah, man. Sorry for raging like an idiot with CTE. That shit should go on #CTESPN"
It's ... all good, man! Was it good to get all that rage off your chest? To let it all out?
"Yeah."
AB stunted on the Pittsburgh Steelers by making funny faces at them while the Patriots demolished them in week 1. Man didn't even play, but it was kinda funny.
"I even mooned Big Ben and those dummy Yinzers! Pissed them off
... Okay there. Probably should have said that once again-
"Haha, them Stiller fans ain't gonna call them cops on me for some good ol' juvenile humor! They ain't snowflakes, so it all cool."
Alright, I'll roll with it.
The next week he caught a touchdown from Tom Brady in his only action of the day. Wonder what he was doing when he wasn't playing, but the Pats smoked the other team again, so nobody cared that AB was being a jackass.
Enemy of the bicch[edit | edit source]
And then, outta nowhere, sexual harassment lawsuits from AB's former trainer and baby mama, and a massive bill for unpaid charges to AB's doctor, who he also farted on quite a bit. It's why Antonio hired me in the first place. However, The lawsuits weren't enough to get AB cut from the Patsies, to be honest.[2]
"Yeah, it was because I saw Bobby Kraft do some funny things with massage parlor chicks! They even came from China doe! That shit waaack man!"
So Bobby Kraft, being the bitch he was, scapegoated AB, made his latest round of controversies public, and then cut him for trying to snitch on his weird parlor habits.
"Yeah, Kraft a cracker and a bicch! Fuck Bobby Kraft!"
While unemployed, AB tried making his own YouTube channel to compete with JuJu Smith-Schuster, even releasing a rap video-
"It make me a WHOOOOLE LOTTA MONEY! Whole lotta money, got a whole lotta money-"
Yeah, sure [shudders] worst song I've ever listened to, my God and then-
"hole lotta money, got a whole lotta money-"
Bruh, I can't focus, can you shut up and let me write? Thank you.
And then he tried to get a fight scheduled with Logan Paul, until Logan made an even better diss track-
"LOGAN PAUL A BICCH MAN! IMMA SUE THAT WHITE BOY again man like the lil bicch he is why he gotta do me like that man! I got 5 kids I gotta feed-
And it looks like he got triggered again and stormed out into the yard. Again. [whispers] Who's really the bitch?
Gonna go win it[edit | edit source]
So I worked more with Antonio during his time away from the league, helped him not be such a Florida Man, and after he issued a public apology and cried publicly to gain sympathy, I got him a new agent and got the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the NFL's east coast retirement home, to sign him and play with Brady.
And would you know it, Antonio Brown is now a Super Bowl champ! Freeloaded off playing with the GOAT himself.
AB gon' go quit[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, AB got into some fights with Tommy boy and Coach Arians over some stuff. One of these mixups included some "miscommunication" regarding AB's Covid card. What did they mean you had to get it from a doctor to verify you had been vaccined? You can't just be your own doctor and say you're "immunized"? AB says "das buullssheeeet!" Other "requirements" of being on the team, according to AB, included taking up Tom Brady's "TB12" diet of poopy green stuff,[3] actually coming to practice, and staying out of trouble instead of going full Florida Man.
Eventually, AB had enough, and because Mike Evans and Chris Godwin were still the designated 1st and 2nd receiving options instead of AB, our boy ripped off his jersey and pants, threw a hissy fit, and streaked off the field against the Jersey Jets and called it quits. The NFL would have suspended Brown for a whole lotta weeks for this bullshit and Tampa would have cut him, but they can't fire AB, AB gon' go quit!
Amazingly, AB is still demanding to come back to the NFL despite this latest round of antics.
BOOMIN' business ventures[edit | edit source]
AB been workin' with Ye, the greatest of all time at ... something other than what AB is good at. Like rapping and playing football.
AB also bought out his daddy's old Arena Football team and proceeded to bankrupt it within one month. What? All the players and coaches are pissed off that you wouldn't pay them? Pissed off that he demands to be the star player and coach and proceeds to lose each game by 40 points playing by himself??
"NO! All the players and coaches and the AFL itself are bums and Meanie McPoopy Shitheads. They don't know AB's greatness. The AFL also stole the team's and AB's moneyz."
Um ... Antonio, didn't you also refuse to pay any league fees whatsoever to maintain the team's operations?
"Das BULLSHEEET nig! I don't wanna help you write this shii anymore. Imma get LIITTY in Dubai. Seeya, chump!"
-Okay, movin' on. Finally some peace.
AB is also the owner of CTESPN. Best sports network for dumbasses and dumbassery.
Now AB is thinking about buying out Wikipedia and now Uncyclopedia. They're all Meanie McPoopyPants for saying mean stuff about Antonio. Unfortunately, AB's WHOLE LOTTA MONEY about to run out. He can't just do what Elon Musk is threatening to do.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
As AB says, business is BOOOOMIN'. He got all da hoes and kids and ... quite honestly, he be doin' some crazy shit all the time. AB also 
refuses to pay his baby mommas their child support, but pays the bail out of jail that costs more than paying child support.
Mental health[edit | edit source]
Antonio don't got mental health. He got mental wealth. Mental health is for the haters and pussies.
Seriously Antonio, please get help. I think I got CTE myself just from writing this article and reviewing your entire career and life. And no more crazy antics-
... ANTONIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ "noooo, it's pronounced Mr. BIG CHEST, you stupid lawyer!"
- ↑ The NFL is weird like that. Kill a man, rape someone, or get a DUI, you get a 1-game suspension. Gamble, or tackle Brady or Patrick Mahomes too hard, and the NFL suspends you for life.
- ↑ Dubious, no one was required to take up the diet
- Feature nomination
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