Dak Prescott
“YEEEAAAHHHHHH HERE WE GOOOO”
“YEEEAAAHHHHHH HERE WE GOOOO”
“YEEEAAAHHHHHH HERE WE GOOOO”
“YEEEAAAHHHHHH HERE WE GOOOO”
“Yeah, here we go”
“What's up, fellow fraud”
| No. 4 – Dallas Cowboys | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Master Fraud |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
|
| Height: | 6' 2" |
| Weight: | 238 fraudulent lbs |
| Career information | |
| College: | Mississippi State |
| NFL Draft: | 2016 / Round: 4 / Pick: Mid |
| Career history | |
| |
| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
| |
| Career NFL statistics | |
| TD-INT rate: | Called back by the refs |
| Completion percentage: | Overrated |
| Wins over shitty teams: | All of them, except one random loss per year |
| Wins over good teams: | None of them |
| Playoff wins: | OOOOOOOO |
| Cowboy hearts broken: | all of them |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
Rayne Dakota "Dak Attack" Prescott is an American fraud that plays quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys of the National Football League. He took over for another fraud, Tony "the homo" Romo and at least doesn't choke in the regular season, but chokes every time he faces the Green Bay Packers in the Wild Card or Divisional Round. That's progress.. apparently. At this rate the Cowboys will finally win another Super Bowl by 2050 if the next guy at quarterback continues the trend.
Dak's most effective weapon is not CeeDee Lamb, Dez Bryant, Zeke Elliot, or his occasional scrambling ability, but his pre-snap cadence. By screaming the most annoying, cliché thing ever, he stuns the defense into a stupor with his "Dak Attack", leaving his receivers wide freakin' open, and Cowboys fans love it. However, this tactic fails to work outside of Dallas, as his annoying cadence is drowned out by opposing fans. With his Dak Attack neutralized in enemy territory, Prescott actually has to play against a legit defense, and the results are quite predictable, in typical post-1996 Cowboys fashion.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Born to Nate and Peggy Prescott, Dak was the youngest of his numerous siblings. As a result of his brothers and sister always one-upping him, Dak had to come up with some way of making an impact. So he developed a loud-ass voice and became quite a troll.
For the longest time, Prescott had claimed he had mutated during a freak accident while playing Pokémon with his friends, and that as a result, he now has some Loudred DNA in his blood, hence his "Dak Attack". However, scientists at Uncyclopedia have done some investigation and discovered that unlike some of the other quarterbacks of the 2010s and 2020s, such as Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen, Joe Burrow, and even Tua Tagovailoa, Prescott's claim is absolutely false, thereby making him a fraudulent mutant/cyborg quarterback compared to the others.
Nonetheless, the NFL does not care and has allowed Prescott to keep cheating because he plays for "America's team".
Career[edit | edit source]
The year after Tony Romo "the Homo" stopped choking in the playoffs but choked instead on a piece of his own collarbone following a nasty hit, Dallas decided they needed a new quarterback after Romo's replacement, Matt Cassel, choked in the regular season as "Dem Boyz" finished with the worst record in the league. In typical fashion, the Cowboys drafted a "generational talent" at running back instead, waiting until the 4th round and winging it by selecting Dak. Better him than Cardale Jones though, who was picked by Buffalo with the next pick as they would choke another year away under Rex Ryan.
Origninally destined for another disappointing 8-8 season with Romo and Zeke Elliot in the backfield, the Cowboys lucked into starting Prescott instead after Romo slipped on a banana peel, landed in a bin of dirty needles, and was put on injured reserve due to contracting AIDS from that fiasco. Prescott surprised everyone though by causing his defenders to mysteriously run away in fear, culminating in a 13-3 record that literally came out of nowhere. Too bad the 'Boys ran into their kryptonite, the Packers, in the playoffs and were vanquished by Aaron Rodgers pulling bullshit and winning in the last minute.
Despite the loss, Cowboys fans all hopped on the Dak bandwagon and ran Romo out of town, fraudulently claiming that every year was "our year" since Prescott became the man under center. Dak, like Romo, has yet to deliver another Lombardi to Dallas despite putting up bloated, fraudulent stats. He has occasionally been scapegoated like Romo and keeps losing to the Packers, even without Rodgers, in the playoffs. As such the 'Boys hired Green Bay's fraudulent head coach Mike McCarthy for extra fraudulence. No one was able to step up to replace Prescott though, as Cooper Rush, Ben DiNucci, and Trey Lance have failed to be any good, being bigger frauds themselves.
It was then determined that Dak actually has Jigglypuff DNA, and that he lulls Cowboys nation and owner Jerry Jones into shelling out massive contract extensions for him.[1] So Prescott lied about that in the first place, what a fraud!
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Only Deshaun Watson has had a bigger heist than Prescott, scamming the Cleveland Browns into making his giant contract fully guaranteed, doing jack-diddly-squat afterwards, and harassing more masseurs
