UnNews:Cleveland Browns beginning to regret relationship with "manly man" Deshaun Watson?
Wednesday, October 16, 2024
BEREA, OHIO-- Just over two years have passed since the Cleveland Browns hitched themselves "til death do us part" with controversial quarterback Deshaun Watson, dumping previous quarterback Baker Mayfield in the process, and how have things looked since then?
"Uh... we're doing just.. fine, we're so.. uh.. HAPPY!" remarked a visibly shaking and unhappy Kevin Stefanski, the head coach of the Browns. "Deshaun has yet to get us to the playoffs, hell, when Watson cheated on us for some more massage therapists last year claming he had a "bum shoulder", we had to rely on golden boy Joe Flacco to get to the playoffs last year, but Deshaun will eventually get us there, right? And us sucking ass during his first year with us was, well, disappointing, but it's alright! He was just... feeling his way around, heheheheheh"
Browns owner Jimmy Haslam didn't care, however. "Well, well, well, it's a decision I left up to the general manager, so the team's gotta live with that decision! I ain't their parents after all!" Haslam spouted like a cranky grandpa. After pausing and reconsidering, he added with that Tennessee drawl of his, "It did damn near cost us a fortune givin' all that money to Deshaun. And what happened since? Deshaun's actually been a deadbeat, playin' like a bum and scarin' our fans off! Maybe I oughtta step in and do something about it, our team and our fanbase really is struggling, and when they do that, we lose money! I lose money!"
Haslam's comments rang true -- we could not find any Browns fans for comment. We did find a lot of other former Browns fans who had hopped on the bandwagons of other teams like the Detroit Lions and Buffalo Bills, teams that had sniffed consistent, tangible success. Even the downstate Cincinnati Bengals, who likewise may be in a troublesome relationship with their bum head coach Zac Taylor. As a matter of fact, even the former Browns fans who were not grossed out with Deshaun being a serial rapist were grossed out by his apathetic play since joining the Browns.
Miles Garrett, the Browns' star defensive end, had this to say: "Well, we're doing well on defense! Deshaun doesn't really give us problems.. I just wish he did more on offense so we don't get tired so quickly.. he told me and the other defensive players it's our fault we get tired after playing our asses off for the first three quarters, and I guess he's right, we're the biggest losers and he's the biggest winner of our team- You know what, screw it! I sound like a goddamn idiot! What the fuck are we supposed to do if you can't even sustain a drive for more than 3 plays?? If you stand in the pocket like a chickenshit motherfucka and don't pass the ball?? And then Deshaun just sits back and tells me to fetch him a beer! Fuck, I want outta here! We all want outta here unless Deshaun goes!"
General manager Andrew Berry deflected any concern. "Nothing to worry about," he casually stated, "Deshaun is the best quarterback in the league! No players want to leave our football utopia! Except wideout Amari Cooper, he was the worst- OH GOD THIS IS PLACE IS HORRIBLE" before bawling his eyes out. "Coop was our best receiver! He deserves to be in a better place than this hellhole Deshaun has created! So we traded him to the Bills to save him from going insane like us!"
Despite the mental strain that was evidently a side effect of playing Watson's bum ass, Stefanski remained "steadfast" in the deadbeat quarterback. They have two more fully-guaranteed decades left on that deal, ya know?
"I think.. Deshaun still gives us the best chance to win! Even though we're currently 1-5 and tied for the worst record in the league. Deshaun.. he.. he told us not to worry about all the fans leaving us for other teams, even for stupid Joe Burrow and those stupid Bengals, or worse, Justin Fields and those stupid Shitzburgh Stillerz.. that he'll one day win some more games for us and that if we bench him he'll beat my ass and stick his... BAKER!!! PLEASE COME BACK! WE FORGIVE YOU! WE NEED YOU! PLEASE SAVE US FROM THIS DEADBEAT RAPIST!"
Unfortunately, Baker Mayfield could not be reached for comment. We heard that after a couple rebound flings with the sorry-ass Carolina Pussy-cats and the high-maintenance Los Angeles Rams, he is now in a happy relationship with the retirement home known as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In fact, we've also heard that instead of marrying his current team as the Browns did with Watson, Mayfield signed a team-friendly contract for the short term, being understandably wary of commitment. And that he also blocked the Browns' number. Smart man. Mayfield understands the concept of "you choose me or you lose me". He has also always been able to take "no" for an answer, unlike Watson.
If you or anyone you know is suffering in an abusive relationship with a deadbeat, rapey loser like Deshaun Watson, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for your own sake. Unfortunately, they may not send law enforcement help for football fans suffering at the hands of their stubborn or inept teams. Therefore, the Browns are likely screwed until they wise up and dump Watson, dead money be damned. Even playing backup Jameis "fuck her in da pussy" Winston would be better. At least Winston showed remorse for his old groping habits and still cares about football.
UPDATE 10/20/2024: It appears that God has intervened in this situation, saying "If Haslam and Stefanski are too chicken to bench Deshaun, I'll do it myself", forcing Watson to pull an Aaron Rodgers and blow out his Achilles. At least Watson will now be spending the rest of this season (and possibly his career) at a massage therapist, but his assigned therapist is reportedly Miss Trunchbull. Enjoy snu-snu, Deshaun!
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "It's time for the Browns to bench Deshaun Watson: Here's why" ESPN, October 14, 2024
- "Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson accused of sexual assault in new lawsuit" USA Today Sports, September 9, 2024