Drew Bledsoe
 Drew Bledsoe sucks so much ass that he gets sacked by the air. | |
| No. 11 | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Ass sucker |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
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| Height: | 6' 5" |
| Weight: | 238 pounds of ass |
| Career information | |
| College: | Washington State |
| NFL Draft: | 1993 / Round: 1 / Pick: 1 |
| Career history | |
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| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
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| Career NFL statistics | |
| Super Bowls: | -0[3] |
| TD: | Ass |
| INT: | Ass |
| Passer rating: | Ass |
| Times sacked: |  |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
“He sucked ass.”
“He sucked ass.”
“He sucked ass.”
“He sucked MY ass.”
Drew McQueen Bledsoe (born February 14, 1972) was a quarterback in the NFL who sucked ass. He sucked ass for the New England Patriots, Buffalo Bills, and Dallas Cowboys. He sucked so much ass for the Patriots that he was benched by a fake injury. He then went to the Bills to try and turn his life around, but was then owned by the Patriots. After being kicked off the team he joined the Dallas Cowboys, and he sucked so much ass that he was replaced by Tony Homo.
Overview and college career[edit | edit source]
Bledsoe is a pussy. He was always the worst person on the team. Dude can't even make it through one game of Madden 06 without being injured or auto-subbed out by the computer for sucking so much ass. Imagine that, even a dumb video game made before the age of AI knows he sucks ass. For a so-called "big-armed elite QB", he sucked ass, as he never threw for more than 25 TDs in a year and his passer rating was ass. He also sucked so much ass that he was a sticky ass in the pocket and never scrambled, leading him to get sacked a shit ton despite his o-line giving him decent protection. However, that's the opinion of Gen Z football fans, as all QBs except for Favre and Elway sucked ass relative to today's QBs, due to the latter being allowed to pad their stats against today's nerfed, two-hand-touch defense. QBs also never scrambled in the 90s. Even Brady ran more than Bledsoe.
Of all colleges, he also went to the one that sucked the most ass in the Pac-12, Washington State. That college program sucked so much ass it made Bledsoe ready to suck ass in the big leagues and developed other one-hit wonders such as Ryan Leaf and Jeff Tool.
Despite sucking ass, the Patriots' scouts still liked what they saw in Bledsoe as he looked the part of a "pure pocket passer with a big arm" and purportedly had a huge dick. With that huge dick, Bledsoe purportedly had more cojones and could sit in the pocket before slingin' that thing downfield. Because of his huge dick, the Pats drafted him first overall in 1993.
New England Patriots[edit | edit source]
Despite his big arm and big dick, Bledsoe still sucked ass as a young quarterback. But he still threw for some kickass touchdowns every once in a while. And he had a huge schlong. And the Pats sucked ass for years before him, so it wasn't hard to raise the bar in New England from a horrid ass-sucker to a mediocre ass-sucker.
Even when Bill Parcells gave him the best team in the history of the NFL, Bledsoe always found a way to fuck things up. An example of this would be the 1996 Patriots. Parcells had asembled a team destined to go 19-0. Because of Bledsoe, they didn't, and barely made the playoffs. They made it to the Superbowl beacuse Parcells benched Bledsoe, and when he put Bledsoe back in, he started sucking ass agian, and lost the Superbowl. However, Drew Bledsoe reportedly has an enormous cock.
Drew Bledsoe sucked so much ass that Parcells quit coaching the New England Patriots. That's when Bill Belichick tried to coach Bledsoe. Belichick realized that Drew Bledsoe sucked so much ass, that the only way that they could possibly win with such a failure starting at the QB position would be to start cheating. So in the year 2001, after Belichick assembled a team to take over the world, he would have the House of Representatives and the Senate sign The Patriot Act which guaranteed the New England Patriots victory in the Super Bowl, obligating the federal government to help them in any way they can according to the Act, which granted power for the government to control NFL operations to achieve a Patriots Super Bowl victory through pure bullshit.
Despite this though, Drew Bledsoe sucked so much ass that he got injured in week 2 after getting rammed by a Jet linebacker a la 9/11 and was replaced by gay Tom Brady, relegated to sucking ass on the bench. Bledsoe's ass-sucking aura was so strong the Jet linebacker took it back to the Jets, causing New York to suck ass afterwards. Despite Brady also sucking ass, he and the Pats kept winning Super Bowls for the next 20 years due to Belicheat signing a pact with the Devil.
Buffalo Bills[edit | edit source]
Drew Bledsoe sucked so much ass that the Patriots had to trade him away to the Buffalo Bills, where he sucked more and even harder ass from 2002 to 2004. Bledsoe actually almost had a good season in 2002 with the Bills, but he got owned when facing the Patriots, in a game in which he sucked ass. In 2003, he sucked ass after wasting all his energy to get his revenge on New England in week 1. Nonetheless, the Bills sucked ass that year because Gregg "The Bounty Hunter" Williams was their head coach. Also because their offensive line sucked so much ass it caused Bledsoe to suck more ass.
In 2004, he again almost had a good season exclusively handing the ball off and relying on the defense when the Bills' new coach realized how much he sucked ass throwing the ball. Unfortunately, the Bills fell one game short of making the playoffs when Bledsoe sucked ass in a loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers' third stringers. Amazingly enough, Bledsoe was so incredibly bad that game, the Buffalo Bills realized that he was no longer good enough to be on their roster. Bledsoe got canned and was replaced by a green, two-toed sloth, better known as Kelly Holecomb. Holecomb was so bad he got replaced by a stoner named J. P. Losman, who then got replaced by another ass-sucker named Trent Edwards, and the cycle continued in Buffalo until the team was finally nuked in 2017 and rebooted by Sean McDermott.
Drew Bledsoe sucked so much ass that his aura caused Buffalo to suck ass for years afterwards. In fact, the Bills sucked so much ass because of Bledsoe that the city of Buffalo had to call in the same people who cleaned up the Love Canal to scrub away the ass-sucking after Terrell Owens and Rex Ryan failed to scrub away Bledsoe's ass-sucking legacy and were revealed as frauds themselves.
Dallas Cowboys[edit | edit source]
Drew Bledsoe escaped the enraged Bills fans and found shelter in nearby Dallas. He was reunited with Bill Parcells, in which he would have never becme a starter because Parcells knew just how bad Bledsoe sucked ass. But, he ended up becoming the starter anyway because the only other option at the time was Tony Homo.
During the 2005 season, Bledsoe sucked ass, but still lead the Cowboys to a 9-7 record. Perhaps this was because every single play called for half of that season was a run, and Bledsoe even sucked ass at that, fumbling while trying to hand it off. Because of Bledsoe sucking ass trying to hand off the ball, Parcells called the first pass play of the season in week 10, which was a pitiful interception to Brian Dawkins which was returned for a touchdown. Parcells didn't call a pass play for the rest of the season, and Bledsoe continued with his handoff fumbling. The Cowboys missed the playoffs.
The next season, Drew Bledsoe sucked so much ass that Parcells started Tony Homo in week 6, and Bledsoe was banished to the Shadow Realm. Unfortunately for Dallas, Homo learned some critical ass-sucking tendencies from Bledsoe such as fumbling the game-winning field goal and choking in the big moments, going on to pass down the situational ass-sucking to Dak Prescott, and Dallas continues to suck ass in the playoffs to this day.
Post NFL career[edit | edit source]
After Drew Bledsoe retired, he ventured into the winery business, starting the "Bledsoe Kickass Wine Company". Their wine sucks ass.
Notes[edit | edit source]
