Ryan Fitzpatrick

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Ryan Fitzpatrick
refer to caption
The man, the myth, the legend himself, Fitzmagic.
No. 14
Position:Sex machine, conman
Personal information
Born:
  • (1982-11-24) November 24, 1982 (age 42)
  • The Arizona wilderness
Height:6' 2"
Weight:220 pounds of awesomeness
Career information
College:Hah-vaad
NFL Draft:2005 / Round: 7 / Pick: A mystery
Career history
  • Every damn team in the league[1] (2005 – 2021)
Career highlights and awards
NFL records
  • Most teams swindled out of money
  • Best beard
Career NFL statistics
TD-INT rate:Yes
Starting QBs sent to the unemployment line:All of them
Hearts won:All of them
Hearts broken:All of them
Playoff appearances:😢
Player stats at NFL.com

Ryan Joseph Fitzpatrick, also known by his alter egos "Fitzmagic", "Fitztragic", "Fitzception", "Amish Magic" or "That Harvard Guy", is a sexy, conniving, magical conman who swindled half of the teams in the National Football League of their money by pretending to be a decent quarterback. Also, did you know he went to Harvard?

Yeah me neither.

Origins[edit | edit source]

Arising from the wilderness of Arizona, a place as mystical as he, Ryan Fitzpatrick was blessed by the coyote spirits with otherworldly math skills, the ability to smooth-talk and charm, and a good enough throwing arm to get the job done on the gridiron. In fact, he was swapped at birth with a baby coyote. Therefore, Fitzpatrick learned the coyote ways, and the coyote baby learned human ways and grew up to become Wile E. Coyote.

Fitzpatrick always had a chip on his shoulder, and he used his coyote ways to become a good swindler. He fought for everything and had to use his brains, charms, and above-average athleticism to gain respect. In fact, he was smart enough to swindle Harvard into giving him a full athletic scholarship, and Harvard doesn't give those out in the first place.[2] He went on to swindle his professors into giving him all A's while balling out for the Harvard Crimson football team.[3]

NFL conman career[edit | edit source]

St. Louis Rams[edit | edit source]

After graduating Magna Cum Laude from Harvard with a degree in card counting, Fitzy was all set to become a professional swindler.. ahem, I mean stockbroker. However, the St. Louis Rams, who just 10 years prior had been swindled into moving from America's second largest city to the middle of fucking nowhere, were magically given a random 7th round draft pick and drafted Fitzpatrick, despite draft pundits losing their minds over an Ivy League nerd being drafted into the NFL in the first place.

Expected to be a training camp body and practice squad player, Fitzpatrick swindled his head coach into letting him make the roster as the backup to Marc Bulger. By some magical strike of luck,[4] Bulger got a bulged disc after taking a hard sack, and Fitzpatrick's number was called. Fitzy finished that game with 369 passing yards, 5 touchdowns, and 69 rushing yards, leading the Rams to improbable victory. Fitzpatrick was named the starting quarterback for the rest of the season, activating a $500,000 bonus in his contract, and proceeded to fizzle out and throw 5 interceptions per game until he got benched. But hey, still got the money, and he still became one of the first rookie QBs in history to toss for over 300 yards in their debut!

Cincinnati Bengals[edit | edit source]

With Bulger back in commission the following year and only the third-string QB position open, Fitzpatrick swindled the Rams into trading him to the Cincinnati Bengals, where he would back up Carson Palmer. By some magical strike of luck,[4][5] Palmer sucked that year, as did the Bengals. Before long, Palmer's elbow became sore and almost fell off, and Fitzpatrick's number was called to prevent Palmer from completely losing his arm. Fitzpatrick led Cincinnati to its first non-loss of the year, a tie with the Eagles, despite mediocre stats that year. But hey, that tie convinced the NFL he was a viable starting quarterback!

Buffalo Bills[edit | edit source]

With Palmer supposedly back in commission, Fitzy was a free agent and opted not to go back to being a backup there. He then swindled the Buffalo Bills, then run by a senile dinosaur named Ralph Wilson, into signing him and giving him his first 7-figure contract. By some magical strike of luck,[4][6] Bills QB Trent Edwards, who still had PTSD from a nasty concussion the prior year, sucked ass and only threw to imaginary RBs, resulting in numerous sacks and interceptions. After Edwards got his head bonked again and after Bills WR Terrell Owens complained too much about "Captain Checkdown", Fitzpatrick's number was called. Despite head coach Dick Jauron's bland, vanilla offense causing his stats to suck even harder ass than Edwards' stats, Fitzy led Buffalo to several improbable victories and got on T.O.'s good side. Not enough to make the playoffs though.

Edwards learned a few things from Fitzpatrick and swindled new head coach Chan Gailey into giving him his starting job back the following season. However, due to missing a few crucial tips, "Checkwards" screwed himself over: firstly, he didn't get a new contract. Secondly, his "try-hard" swindling caused T.O. to leave after the season. Thirdly, due to his inferior swindling skills, he sucked so much ass that he was fired from the team after just two awful games into the 2010 season, and Fitzpatrick got the starting gig back. And kicked ass too! With fellow swindlers Stevie Johnson and Fred Jackson, two other "nobodies" who had to resort to magic and con artistry to make it to the NFL. He actually had respectable stats despite being a nobody from Harvard! It was later revealed that his ability to be a competent quarterback was due to having a long, unkempt beard, which he started growing out in freezing cold Buffalo. Despite this the Bills still finished as one of the worst teams in the league due to their shitty defense.

Due to the fact that every Bills quarterback since Doug Flutie sucked ass (especially you, Drew Bledsoe and J. P. Losman!) Fitzpatrick easily swindled Ralph Wilson and GM Buddy Nix, who was nearly as old as Wilson, into giving him a long term contract. After finally beating Tom Brady and the Patriots and starting the season 3-0, Fitzpatrick got complacent, broke his ribs from partying too much, and threw a lot of picks, and Buffalo didn't win another game that season.

Tennessee Titans[edit | edit source]

After Buddy Nix drunkenly accepted a prank call and revealed that he was bringing in other quarterbacks due to Fitzpatrick sucking ass, Fitzy swindled Nix and the Bills into cutting him and making him a free man. He also got a lot of free money from being cut. He then swindled the Tennessee Titans into signing him to be Jake Locker's backup. By some magical stroke of luck,[4] Locker[7] spontaneously exploded on the field and was forced into retirement, and Fitzpatrick's number was called.

All in all, Fitzpatrick was okay at best, and didn't do too much that was good or bad. The Titans fired all their quarterbacks after the season, including Fitzpatrick, and hired Zach Metaburger, a wannabe-influencer and selfie-enthusiast as their new starter, resulting in the team sucking ass the next year and Metaburger getting eaten alive by JJ Watt. But money is money, and Fitzy still had a good time frequenting the honky-tonks in Broadway.

Houston Texans[edit | edit source]

By some magical stroke of luck,[4] Matt Schaub, the Houston Texans' quarterback, spontaneously combusted faster than the guy who drank from the wrong cup in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, opening up a vacancy on JJ Watt's team, and Fitzpatrick's number was called.

New York Jets[edit | edit source]

Unhappy in Houston with Bill O'Buttchin as his head coach, despite finally getting a winning season for the first time, Fitzpatrick swindled the Texans into trading him.. to the New Jersey Buttfumble, also known as the New York Jets. By some magical strike of luck,[4][8] "starting QB" Geno Smith, who was already on the hotseat, decided to be a douche and pranked his fellow teammate, resulting in getting his jaw shattered with a crowbar. The Jets saw this as an excuse to bench Smith, and Fitzpatrick's number was called. Fitzpatrick led the Jets to an improbable winning record due to actually having receivers like Brandon Marshall. However, when all he had to do was beat the Bills in the last game of the year to make the playoffs, he wound up choking hard and threw a bunch of picks to his old team.

This was still enough for Woody Johnson to shell out $12 million guaranteed to keep Fitzmagic on the team another year rather than go back to Geno Smith. Fitzpatrick took the money, invested most of it in the stock market, and proceeded to throw 7 picks per game, with his only wins coming against Buffalo that year.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers[edit | edit source]

Due to being exposed in New York, Fitzpatrick was out of work again, so he was forced to travel to the pirate bay known as Tampa Bay. He swindled the Tampa Bay Buccaneers into signing him as Jameis Winston's backup. However, by some magical strike of luck,[4], Winston ate too many crab legs, leading to a bad stomachache, which led to him groping too many Uber drivers and throwing out his shoulder, and Fitzpatrick's number was called. He did okay filling in. Just okay.

By some magical strike of luck,[4] Winston got caught groping too many Uber drivers and got suspended for the first half of the next season, and Fitzpatrick's number was called again. This time, Fitzpatrick did amazing and threw for 400 yards and 5 touchdowns in each of the first four games. He was then named starter after stealing DeSean Jackson's chains and sporting his signature look, and then sucked ass, throwing 5 picks per game. Winston was called back into action and also sucked ass, losing so many turnovers that he started a turnover bakery. The Bucs alternated Fitzpatrick and Winston the final four games of the season hoping for a different result but making more turnovers in the process.

Miami Dolphins[edit | edit source]

Due to his "Fitzmagic" running out in Tampa Bay, Fitzpatrick was forced to walk the plank and was shot out of the Buccaneers' stadium pirate ship. He landed across the state in Miami, where he swindled the Dolphins into giving him a job as the team's doctor. By some magical strike of luck,[4] the team's quarterback, Josh Rosen, who was a sloppy second reject from the Arizona Cardinals, was such a weenie that he made the Dolphins utterly unwatchable. After an embarrassingly boring performance, the Dolphins fed Rosen to the sharks and grabbed literally anyone else they could find, including "team doctor" Ryan Fitzpatrick. After realizing he was "occasionally" a quarterback, Fitzpatrick's number was called. Despite Fitzpatrick magically turning into a competent quarterback during the fourth quarter and thus almost blowing the loss and ruining Coach Brian Flores' tank by winning one stupid game, Miami held on to lose after the receiver dropped Fitzy's magical pass on the potential game-winning 2 point conversion.

Despite this, Fitzpatrick swindled Flores into playing him the rest of the season, leading to a handful of wildly unpredictable wins for Miami that year that caused announcer Kevin Harlan to cream his pants and become a secret Dolphins fan, calling a Dolphins game in week 17 when he was assigned to the Chiefs game.[9]

This was enough for Fitzpatrick to stay on as starter despite the Phins drafting Tua Tagovailoa from 'Bama. Flores liked Fitzpatrick so much that he kept him in the next year and sabotaged Tua's development. Then Fitzpatrick contracted COVID before the final game of the season, and Flores, being a clean freak, flipped out and sent Fitzpatrick out the air lock. He was then forced to start Tua, and Miami missed the playoffs without Fitzpatrick on the roster that game.

Washington Shitskins[edit | edit source]

Truly desperate, the Redski- uhh, I mean, Washington signed Fitzy to be their starting quarterback despite knowing of his flaws and conman ways. Our experts at Uncyclopedia, who just so happened to also go to the Ivy League schools themselves, can verify that no magic was used in getting Fitzpatrick to sign with Washington.

Unfortunately for our swindling hero, this was the only team in which Fitzmagic's spell was ineffective. FedEx Field is so damn cursed that not even the sexiness of Fitzpatrick could avoid the gruesome fate also suffered by Joe Theismann or Alex Smith.

In fact, due to the curse there, Fitzy's tenure with the team was cut short right on opening day. Just when he was about to score for the first time for Washington, the evil spirits of George Preston Marshall and Daniel Snyder cockblocked Fitzpatrick so hard that his dick and hip exploded. Fortunately, due to Fitzmagic's overly masculine aura, his dick grew back, but he would never play football again.

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

Following Fitzpatrick's final downfall, criminologists finally pieced together his crime strategy:

The Fitzpatrick Cycle.jpg

It is said that NFL teams knew of this even before signing him (aside from geriatric Ralph Wilson and his geriatric general manager in Buffalo), but were charmed by his swindling ways anyways.

In total, Fitzpatrick swindled every team in the league, even the ones he didn't play for, into paying him $5 trillion throughout his career, in addition to robbing the Louvre, committing grand theft auto, and several war crimes. However, due to his charm and Harvard education, Fitzpatrick knew all the loopholes in the law, and got away with it, never to be caught. Truly the biggest heist job in NFL history.

Post conman career[edit | edit source]

Since being forced to retire from his life of crime, Fitzpatrick went back to raising his massive family and teaching his kids how to use their God-given math abilities to become swindlers themselves. He also joined the biggest swindler of all, Amazon Prime Video, to swindle NFL fans out of all their money just to stream another prime time game. Can't do that without his awesome, masculine aura though.

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Except the New England Patriots. Screw 'em!
  2. To get into Harvard or any Ivy League school in the first place, it is said that prospective students are required to be good at swindling. Sucks for those nerdy kids who wasted their childhoods genuinely getting straight A's, attending all the clubs that would "get them into Harvard", and had no life as a result, then got rejected because they had no life!
  3. It is also said that the Ivy League is not a real athletic conference, and that these bratty, preppy schools swindled the NCAA into granting them Division I status, but hey, D-I FCS is still D-I!
  4. 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 4.5 4.6 4.7 4.8 And totally not because of some magic spell or potion in his food
  5. This may be a valid argument. The Bengals do have rotten luck at times.
  6. We're dead serious. The Bills are truly cursed by bad luck.
  7. what the fuck kind of name is "Jake Locker" by the way?
  8. The Jets are also pretty cursed. Thank Joe Namath for that!
  9. "I'M CALLING BOTH GAMES!!"