St. Louis, Missouri

St. Louis lit up at night. The menacing Gateway Archbot is a Transformer that turns into the Millennium Falcon every Tuesday at midnight.

You may be looking for the patron saint of barbers. If you are, please see Saints.

“Do not go North, or East. You will be robbed and shot. It's 50/50 if you head South or West.”

~ St. Louis Resident on the current situation around St. Louis

St. Louis is the current financial and crime capital of The Holy Federation Of Missouri. A city rich with tradition and loaded with historical significance, its origins can be traced back to the year 1024 BC. Founded by Joseph Pulitzer's pet dog Charles, the population quickly grew into the billions. The city's name derives from the Egyptian Pharaoh Sanitis Lucious, loosely translated as "Little Prince with Massive Assets".

Demographics

As of a routine census in 2000, there are around 784,332 people, 154,322 households, and three families residing in the city proper and 2,798,300,269 orcs, goblins, trolls, and other criminals, residing around the local "metropolitan area". The population density is 3,125,115 per square kilometer. The racial makeup of the city is 10% African American, 4% white, 2% Asian, 1% Pacific Islander, 1% Hispanic, .02% Pokemon, -3% Eskimo, and 85% Native American. The median income per household is $12.59 and the median income for a family is $17.51 annually, except for the Joneses, who must be nillionaires by now.

Crime

Mayor Francis "Snake Eye" McKillinger III

What started the city's most famous riot

Currently, St. Louis is ranked by the FBI, the Rand Corporation and the Alliance for Free Tibet as the Number one safest city in the United States of America. Many people move to St. Louis to experience its noble arches, unparalleled river views and enchanting house fires, which are definitely not a result of arson. Due to such an immaculate lack of crime and jealousy of the city's purity, the Democrats, led by their leader Satan, have laid siege to the great city of St. Louis, and as a result have made the immediate area around St. Louis completely uninhabitable.

Geography

The city lies between two muddy rivers, the Missouri and the Mississippi. Contrary to popular belief that the French founded the city, St. Louis was in fact founded by the Sumerians over four thousand years ago.

“Shieeet mane, dis looks like it finna be a Fertile Crescent. Aw yeah...”

~ Ancient Sumerians on Proto-St. Louis

The city's lack of any natural boundaries or sea ports make it a natural tourist attraction and trading center. St. Louis is famous for its lack of mountains and abundance of water, as well as its complete lack of any clouds. This is due to St. Louis being located directly south of Chicago, a.k.a. The Windy City, which results in all clouds being sucked in to create a constant downpour over Chicago.

St. Louis is frequently devastated by massive meteor showers and comets slamming into the city. The astrological oddity has been traced to a large deposit of magnetic material in the bedrock which seems to just yank passing meteorites, planets, satellites, and other objects out of the upper atmosphere. Recent studies indicate St. Louis's electromagnetic field is as strong as that of the planet Jupiter, if not stronger.

Just east of the city, across the Euphrates, the legendary Cahokia Mounds are located. Popular belief is that they were built hundreds of years ago by Indian tribes for exercise purposes, however most native St. Louisans believe them to just be landfills.

Exports and economy

The prime source of income from the city is the cultivation and harvesting of the rare suburban Emo.

Bio-tech is also a popular export. Some companies have tried to exploit this angle, but due to small marketing budgets, have been able to see only modest profits at best. An exception exists in the outrageously profitable Budweiser, a deadly biological weapon illegal under most international protocols. Anheuser-Busch, the unscrupulous defense contractor who manufactures the Budweiser microbe, is one of the largest private military employers in St. Louis.

Another major export of St. Louis is people. Attracted – or rather, unattracted – to St. Louis, hundreds of thousands of Asian, Pacific Islander, and both white St. Louisians have migrated to places with even shittier urban planning like St. Charles and Wildwood. Not far enough from St. Louis, and not white enough, people in St. Charles created only two bridges which are crowded all the time due to the Native Americans who get pulled over without passports. This creates even more "mini-St. Louises", white Republican disasters that keep spreading in all directions in the bi-state area.

St. Louis is also home to the The Holy Federation Of Missouri's Stock Market, as well as Schmuck's, a chain of overly priced grocery stores where nothing is on sale and everything is sold out, always.

Parks and attractions

Randy Orton is from St. Louis. He's considered more of an attraction than anything else.

St. Louis is full of these. One amusement park that services the city, Six Flags, is abhorrently crowded with Asians and high school students every day of the year. St. Louis is also home to the St. Louis Zoo, the best zoo in America besides the San Diego Zoo, which really shouldn't count, because THEY have a panda.

St. Louis is also home to the Forest Park, which, alongside being the location for where the Messiah will eventually return, contains much of St. Louis's attractions and museums. Some of the museums include the St. Louis Art Museum (SLAM!), the Grand St. Louis Art Museum (GRAND SLAM!), the Science Center, The City Museum (which has a SCHOOL BUS hanging off the edge of the building), and The History Museum (Completely Unlocatable). A Museum Museum is planned for construction in 2032.

By far the most popular landmark in St. Louis is the world famous Gateway Arch. The Gateway Arch was designed by Finnish carpenter, Eero Saarinen and constructed in 1862. Standing at an impressive 4 miles tall and 5/12 wide, it is the world’s second largest monument, second only to Seattle's own Overly Large Phallic Symbol, however most women prefer the arch, due to its greater girth.

Little known facts about the Arch: It is actually a robot which emits a force field of approximately 65,305,786 Joules per second. This force field acts as a deterrent for nuclear missiles (pronounced miss-AISLES) and Kansas City. The "field" as it is referred to, also accounts for the crazy weather St. Louis is famous for. Along with that, it has the duty of transforming into intergalactic spaceships from the movie Star Wars and distributing meth to the "Greater" St. Louis area, not unlike Santa Claus.

Transportation

The city uses a ridiculous method of public transportation called the Metrolink, which never takes you where want to go, and then drops passengers off at random and with no warning. The city's bus system is driven by a bunch of monkeys with lead feet, specifically South American Lead-footed Howler Monkeys. The bus system also acts as a secondary amusement ride as the monkeys tend to drive at insane speeds, have no sense of direction and like to drive on the wrong side of the road. While the city also has several taxi services, no one uses them as they are too expensive; it would be cheaper to buy your own plane and build an airport at each end of your commute.

St. Louis has an extensive interstate highway system that is world-renowned for its uselessness and for always being under construction. The primary highways are: Highway 40/I-64, I-44, I-55, I-70, I-170, I-255, and I-270. The oldest of these is Hwy 40/I-64 (pronounced: Farty-Sixty-Far but most commonly as Farty), which was originally constructed around the year 350 BC. It consists of a single lane dominated by hairpin turns, steep hills and sudden drop-offs. There has been talk of improving Hwy 40/64 but most people are opposed to fixing it; as a matter of fact, it is currently illegal to even patch a pothole as it would destroy the historical significance of the road. MoDOT has successfully overruled this once timeless rule and has now shut Highway 40/64 down. This has many St. Louisianians aggravated, and are rebelling by hitting road workers with their vehicles. I-44 (pronounced: Eye Farty-Far) started its construction shortly after Highway 40, and is still under construction today, and will remain under construction until the end of time. I-55 manages to be one of the only usable roads around the city, but with a current speed limit of 5 miles per hour, commutes tend to take several days. I-70 does not officially exist (especially in the Metro-East), construction for this highway began in the 1950s but never got past the initial tree-clearing stages; this has not stopped local residents from using it, however. Both I-170 and I-270 are actually only a few hundred feet long each and serve no real purpose. (Oddly enough, more than three-quarters of the highway budget goes to maintaining these two roads but not the Mississippi River crossing for I-270 because IDiOT does not give a care.) Most people in the city have found cars too ineffective and now ride Triceratops' to work and back, but with only four usable buildings making up St. Louis's skyline, most people just decide not to work and instead stay inside where it has recently proven to be safer from the gamma radiation consuming the city.

Cuisine

St. Louis is known for its own funky style of pizza. The St. Louis Style Pizza differs from normal pizza in that the toppings are placed right on top of the cardboard pizza box, and the inside of the box is filled with naked pictures of your mom. This style of pizza was created by Emo Phillips, although he sold the rights back in 1984 to Cecil B. DeMille, who plans to make a movie out of it later this year entitled "A Brief Treatise on the Astounding Carcinogenic Properties of Pizzicus San Luigicus, or How to Make an Aardvark Vomit".

An Italian neighborhood in St. Louis named The Hill managed to make ravioli somehow taste more like vomit than it already does simply by toasting it. Joe Garagiola coined it "Ravioli Vomitti La Paste" in 1935. However, it was later renamed simply Toasted Ravioli, after the people of The Hill found out that Joe Garagiola was clinically insane and possibly a werewolf. Garagiola later went on to be a dog show announcer.

Other local culinary attractions include Ted Drewes, which sells freshly mixed concrete that has been chilled below water's freezing point; and the Pasta House, which operates out of buildings that are (strangely enough) made out of pasta.

Suburbs of St. Louis

• East St. Louis Technically Illinois' problem, this is by far the worst first world town on the planet. All large buildings are abandoned and broken into, the only place to get food and water are two gas stations, and the only living creature you will likely see are stray dogs. The worst part about this? None of this is a joke.
• Chesterfield Teenagers who are not walking billboards for Abercrombie, Hollister or a similar clothing line are shot on sight. New residents are issued no more than 3 cows (or 1 oxen), a GMC Yukon and ordered to change their childrens' names from the oh-so-common "Jack" and "Kate" to the unique "kAyLeIgH" or "AmberLynn" or even "elYse". Still doesn't have a grocery store, despite having something like 3.14159 thousand people.
• Florissant Ninety percent of the population spend their free time (which is all the time, mind) bowling, smoking Parliaments and imitating Mike Shannon during Cardinals games. Unbeknownst to them, Shannon imitates a person from Florissant during broadcasts: that is to say, laughing maniacally, drinking ice-cold Budweiser (preferably out of tall boys, or one of those cold mugs you get at Walgreens that break within two days of purchase) and only occasionally making any sense. Tends to get invaded by people from Hazelwood looking for a grocery store (Florissant does, not Mike Shannon).
• St. Charles An exact, smaller copy of St. Louis with a bit less black people and not as much crime.
• St. Peters A lot like St. Charles except it has more money and a rec-plex.
• O'Fallon Home of Man-Eating Subdivisions and Hot Topics. Not to be confused with the other O'Fallon about an hour away, which is famous for being the only place in America with roundabouts.
• Lake St. Louis Has the most original name of any St. Louis suburb. There's an artificial lake for old people and hobos to take a dump in, and it thinks it's a tourist attraction because of Wal-Mart and its impressive population of nearly sixteen people.
• Frontenac Saint Louis's attempt at a "rich" suburb.
• Arnold One of the most corrupt cities in the St. Louis area. Shady deals occurred between city officials and developers, resulting in some neighborhoods being built on waste lagoons and dumps. They're literally built on piles of shit.
• Beverly Hills A very poor area of Northern St. Louis. The name Beverly Hills was chosen as the name of the town as a ploy to trick richer St. Louis residents in traveler over there thinking that it would be "just like 90210" only for them to realize that some crackhead stole the hubcaps off their car.
• Hazelwood This area of St. Louis County is treated like Jerusalem to many residents of the neighboring St. Charles and St. Louis. This is mostly because Hazelwood contains Lambert International Airport & St. Louis Mills mall, which charges admission for the privilege of gazing upon its wondrously bizarre decor. This area is also very diverse, being filled with a largely white population with a large minority of blacks and camel jockeys. The schools in Hazelwood are also envied by many residents of St. Charles county and St. Louis county. This is because the middle schools and high schools here get bomb threats every other day which leads to students doing pretty much nothing. Like Chesterfield, Hazelwood lacks grocery stores. Hazelwood, however, has the highest per-capita number of fast-food joints in the nation, with something like 8.2 restaurants per person before the second Arby's was pulled down.
• Rock Hill The speed limit here is thirty – anything above that and a cop will use his ticket-sense (issued by Chief of Police Peter Parker) to find you and give you a lecture about how you compromised the safety of others. In reality, he's just allowing this "village" to attempt to justify why exactly it has its own police department, and keeping his city rolling in it.
• Kirkwood A city whose soft whisper beckons the insane: pedophiles, rapists, and murderers named "Cookie". On one end is Meacham Park, which is full of black people and is generally ignored by the rest of the town (unless some kid from there can run damn fast and catch a football, in which case he is treated as a god or the second coming of Jeremy Maclin). On the other is a highly cyclical life: older gentlemen who are most often lawyers, or bankers, or own car dealerships have kids, send them to private schools known for social-climbing (either Villa, St. Joe's or Viz if it's a girl, and almost always Chaminade if the kid is a boy, although lately some renegades have been pushing their sons toward SLUH to become hipsters), have them go to public colleges (most often out-of-state, although many are heading back to Mizzou because they want to be there if and when the Tigers win anything) where they will join Greek organizations and meet boys named Chad or girls named some variation of Margaret, marry them and move back to Kirkwood, where they will take Daddy's position at the bank or law office or dealership (strictly through connections, mind, as they did nothing but drink and have buttsecks at college) and have the wifey do charity work and start the cycle over again. Kirkwood is in the bad part of West County. The difference from the bad and good parts of West County are: There are black people in the bad parts, the houses aren't owned by Asian hookers and white rich people, and the bad part doesn't have any armed rich white kids trying to be black and look ghetto.
• Webster Groves Essentially a better Kirkwood, with fewer black people. These two towns inexplicably hate each other, which is odd because the only major difference an outsider could tell is that their downtowns have different colored banners. Like Kirkwood, Webster is inhabited by two types of people: Those who overpay for big houses, and those who overpay for small houses. Those who live in the big houses can afford to overpay, while those who overpay for the small houses are now "white house-poor wannabes" who think that living in a 900-square-foot house is cool and hip because they live in Webster. These "white house-poor wannabes" are as delusional as poor black people who buy BMW's and Escalades.
• Fenton Don't kid yourself. You've passed by it a couple times on 44 and got depressed just looking at it. If you're lucky your high school's soccer team played here in the state finals (only to lose, incomprehensibly, to Rockhurst) and it took you ten years to find a place to park. It's not all bad, though: they've got a QuikTrip, which is the greatest convenience store on Earth. Anyone who says otherwise is itching for a fight. Plus, Krispy-Kreme is the best doughnut shop.
• Maplewood A small suburb with all the St. Louis charm (break-ins, carjacking, racial tension and corrupt police force), Maplewood sits just outside of the city and was given honorable mentions at the 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 "GENTRY" awards for "sticking to their guns" of gentrifying the neighborhood as fast as the banks could foreclose on the "problematic urban areas". Look fast enough and you may just watch the liquor store or used car lot metamorphose into an enviro-conscious coffee shop or web design agency.
• Ladue Considered the 'elite' suburb of Saint Louis, considered the laughing stock of the much more affluent suburbs of Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Baltimore, and even Kansas City. It's more like La-Don't, really.
• Clayton Where the elite meet to inbreed and spend exorbitant amounts of money on skinny jeans, dresses designed to be worn only with leggings, Chuck Taylors and ironic T-shirts. Twice a year, the youth (who often will end up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn living off their trust fund while attempting to become a famed blogger) of these towns play hockey against each other. The game normally isn't good, but the fights (which often tend towards all-out bloodbaths) in the crowd are why the neutrals show up – odds are you've been inadvertently pepper-sprayed at a Hounds-Rams game. It's the closest thing Americans will ever have to fights between ultras, barras, bravas, whatever you want to call it.
• Oakville The largest St. Louis suburb, Oakville is inhabited by 547,734,768 people, with the largest minority group being "white, but not as white as the rest of those assholes." Though it originally grew in size and prosperity, size increases were slowed in 1645 when former Mayor Paul Stanley redesigned the town in its current mold. It is well-known for its cultural diversity, which includes a St. Louis-area record 57 Walgreens and at least seven minorities. It is well-known as a hub for local industry, with the top industries being Jack in the Box tacos, in-progress construction projects, and racism.
• Wentzville From here westward begins the end of modern western civilization. Ideals such as "equality" "diversity" and "technology" are nowhere to be found in this area. Instead, good ol' fashioned farmin' and redneckin' are observed. If traveling west from Wentzville onward, modern civilization does not appear again until California. Though perhaps the richest neighborhood in Missouri.