Buffalo, New York

Buffalo, New York

Pearl of the Arctic
(From top, clockwise) Lake Erie provides a beautiful backdrop to the city; landmark City Hall, stolen in 2004; one of Buffalo’s many famous brew pubs; Buffalo’s legendary nightlife brings throngs of people downtown; Buffalo sports fans always celebrate their teams, win or lose.
Previous name(s)	Bobalu
Nicknames(s)	The City by the Lake Effect, Gotanickel City, The City That Shuffled Off, Armpit of New York
Administrative status
Nation	USA
Region	Formerly industrialized Arctic
Subregion	New York state of state
God-emperor	Josh Allen
"Mayor"	"Slimy" Byron Brown
Statistics & fast facts
Human population	280,000, most of whom have been drinking, so watch it
Bison population	2 at the Buffalo Zoo. They've been drinking too, so watch it
World rank	5,877th (34th-rustiest)
Founded	1789, on an Indian burial ground
Features	lots of ice cubes, beer, liquor, rust
Demonym	Buffalonian, Bills fan
Currency	Chicken wings, Tim Hortons

“Doesn't it snow a lot there?”

~ Everyone who doesn't live in Buffalo on Buffalo

“That's upstate!”

~ Ignorant New Yorker

“Are you sure this isn’t Detroit?”

~ ignorant tourists from New York

Buffalo is a city in the state of New York, just East of Lake Erie and a mere five miles from the booming metropolis of Niagara Falls. Incorporated in 1832, Buffalo is in many ways "the buckle of the Rust Belt" – home to nearly every grimy, greasy, smoke-belching, soot-spewing factory you could think of – but of course today most of those plants have shut down and moved to China or Mexico. The city is now trying to revitalize itself by becoming more hippy-ish.

History

The Pewter Age (pre-September 6, 1901)

Buffalo's Pewter Age is widely regarded as the beginning of the world to the moment President William McKinley was assassinated during the Pan American Exposition. The city was on the up, The Pan American Exposition was in town (the Pan-Am Expo would be all but forgotten to history in favor of the World's Fair, similar to former Buffalo Bills star running back O.J. Simpson being known for murdering people and not for playing great football).

The Dioxin Age

The time after the Pewter Age was named after the wonderful series of events that happened in a suburb between Niagara Falls and Buffalo. In a neighborhood now known as Love Canal resided many families with young children and various chemical plants. As the chemical plants spend the early cold war years carrying out research for the Federal Government to beat the Communists by creating the most powerful aphrodisiac known to man, Funky Cold Medina. Studies were performed by Sir Tone-Loc and it was concluded the release of the Funky Cold Medina would cause such fast reproduction in America the food supply would not be able to catch up with the rapid population growth desired to beat the Communists. Funky Cold Medina was buried under the soil in the area to forever hide the effects of this aphrodisiac from the world. The aphrodisiac was so powerful that it was able to have effects on the citizens of Love Canal. It was a major environmental disaster as the population increased ten-fold in just a few years. The EPA commenced a massive cleanup effort and encased the entire area in concrete and plastic to prevent the sex levels from becoming dangerously high in the area.

Demographics

A buffalo from Buffalo buffalo-ing other buffalo.

Contrary to popular belief, nobody actually lives inside the city limits of Buffalo except the mayor, policemen, and rich Italian lawyers and property developers mobsters. Anyone else only works downtown and drinks, watches a sporting event and drinks, watches a free concert and drinks, performs construction and drinks, goes to the bar and drinks, goes bowling and drinks, eats chicken wings and drinks, goes to the library and drinks, drinks and drives, goes to court for said drinking and driving, and pick up friends from the holding center after being arrested for public drunkenness at a Buffalo Sabres game. A few individuals are also rumored to attend AA meetings but any witnesses to this are too drunk to realize what was going on so this has yet to be proven.

Despite being part of New York State, Buffalonians are known for giving extreme ass-kickings when outsiders tell them they are "New Yorkers." Buffalonians don't even speak in New York accents. In fact, they speak with short "fleeaat" vowels and heavy final r sounds like people from Chicago. Just listen to the radio stations there, such as 97 Rock, or "steeaatic free cleeaasic rock", or maybe you'll hear a "meeaatress" commercial for that store in the "pleaahza". Probably due to everyone's cheeks being frozen and their noses stuffed from the year-round freezing cold weather.

Neighborhoods

Buffalo is a city of ethnic neighborhoods too. The southside is full of Irish cops, firemen and wannabe Irish cops and firemen. It's a great place to go for a nice barroom brawl on a Friday night. Buffalo's westside used to be Italian, or Sicilian more precisely, but now it's mostly Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, African-Americans, poor Asians, and white crackheads. Don't leave any valuables in your car. The east side of Buffalo is hardcore ghetto and a fun place to try to count the number of lime green Chrysler 300s with 22" dubs (good luck with that). North Buffalo is a mix of different ethnic groups, and it also has a small sub-section where the hipsters and environmentalists choose to set up house when they want to be a part of "the urban experience". These fools usually run for the city limits after their 5th burglary, 10th car break-in and seventh mugging. That's Buffalo in a nutshell.

UB

Well, looks like this city does have some smart people after all. This place manufactures doctors in the new Hospital Hill neighborhood and attracts tons of college kids from New York City who probably never set foot in Buffalo again after graduation.

Burbs

Buffalo's suburbs are mostly populated by working-poor whites who swear a lot and drive ten-year-old Chevrolet sedans with loose mufflers but there are a few wealthy soul-less, treeless suburbs where executives lucky enough to be transferred to this locale hang their hats. Look for spoiled rich kids swerving and cutting off other drivers in SUVs their parents bought them or smoking pot all day behind Walmart. That's about it.

Niagara Fails

Look at how blue this massive waterfall is! Truth is, it's probably because it's radioactive.

This booming metropolis boasts wonderful world-renown attractions such as a chemical plant District, multimillion-dollar taxpayer-funded tourist attractions that are shut down by the city after a year due to an unpaid electric bill or some stupid shit and then left to fall apart for fifteen years, pothole-addled roads that could fuck up a concrete truck, cheap hookers, an "aquarium" filled with radioactive sea creatures, and a whimsical little place known as the Love Canal. Oh and a waterfall and a nice view of the glamorous Canadian side of Niagara Falls.

Amherst

Found all the rich people in the Buffalo area! Also home to preppy college students at the North, non-ghetto campus of UB.

Cheektowaga

A place known for cheeks. Also home to the airport.

Lackawanna

A nice little city just south of Buffalo which was once home to the biggest steel factory this side of China. Some rich guy started the city, once named "Wanna" after his wife Wanda, around the factory, then started gambling once that new Seneca casino opened in downtown Buffalo. He won a bunch of wind power turbines once he heard of green power and had them built in his back yard, then ... he started gambling hardcore, losing the factory to a Mexican cartel leader one bit at a time until the city's wealth and people ran out. Oh, and Wanda left him. Hence the city's new name.

Tonawanda

This place still happens to have some industry going, as GM still runs that giant engine factory there. Oh, and this is where the mayor's wife Wanda ran off to once he became a bum. Go figure.

Southtowns

Literally nothing but a bunch of hills to the south, where the heck are the towns? Not much here aside from the Bills's stadium.

Former suburbs

• Area 51: A place where they kept experimenting with chemicals after Love Canal shut down. Thanks to new regulations by New York governor "King Andy" Cuomo, they had to shut this place down, and it was so toxic the city spent its entire budget to air-lift it to its current location in Nevada.
• Toronto: Place used to be Buffalo's "little brother to the north", full of nice Canadians who kept taking shit from their beer-guzzling neighbors across the border. Toronto eventually moved out, went to college, got a lucrative job, and is now making millions of dollars while Buffalo got stuck in its high-school glory days and still lives in mom's basement. Now Toronto wants to claim Buffalo as one of its suburbs. Hell no!

Economy

Once home to the Erie Canal and every soot-spilling factory on this side of Detroit, Buffalo's economy mysteriously went down the drain after the 1950s and multiple factories and plants shut down. Just blame it on the Love canal incident. Afterwards, they tried relying entirely on producing Buffalo wings and the success of the Buffalo Bills football team for their GDP until that went down the gutter after the 1990s. King Andy felt bad for the city and brokered a deal with Elon Musk to build a solar power plant in a place where there is no sun and built a bunch of tourist traps such as Canalside and Lurkinville. The city has also become a hub for the NFT industry, thanks to funding from all the banks still in the city.

Sports

Mesi

Baby Joe Mesi was Buffalo's pride and joy after completely kicking ass in many boxing matches that were fixed by the local mob, he surprisingly got punched in the head once, ending his career, but only in boxing. Following Buffalo tradition as a hometown hero he had to run for political office and lose, badly.

Kane

Patrick Kane beats up cab drivers for a living. Plays hockey too.

Sabres

The Buffalo Sabres won the Stanley Cup in 1999. If you disagree with this statement you aren't from Buffalo. Buffalo is the world epicentre for lovers of the brainless game of hockey. Plenty of ice to go around for everyone. Plenty of tanking too. (The Sabres invented tanking.)

Bandits

The Buffalo Bandits actually legitimately won a championship. Of something.

Bills

Contrary to popular belief the Buffalo Bills won every single Super Bowl ever. Seriously, just look at my cheap throwback T-Shirt that I got from DHGate, resold from a third world country! Then after a while they got complacent as they got tired of making the Super Bowl only to lose every time, hiring just enough talent to get their fans's hopes up for a winning season so they'd renew their season tickets, then lose a lot, almost every game, making them the third-worst team in the NFL behind the Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns. This strategy coupled with the pyramid scam business plan of the owner, Ralph Wilson, got the team stripped of their "major" league status until oil fracker and Sabres owner fan Terry Pegula bought the team for $1.40 and somehow turned them around.

Beauts

Meh.

Pegula's daughter

Who knew Jessie Pegula would turn out to kick ass in tennis after Venus and Serena finally called it quits? Pegula has made it to the semifinal round of every single major tennis tournament possible since 2017, but unfortunately, following Buffalo tradition, that's as far as she's ever gotten.

Snow

Buffalonians are hyper sensitive about their city's snowbound reputation.

“What's that? You think it's cold and snows a lot in Buffalo? You're an asshole, if you took some time to look your stupid-ass 'facts' up you'd realize that Syracuse actually gets more snow than Buffalo and Minneapolis is a hell of a lot colder. That's right we're not freezing our asses off, half the time there's no snow on the ground on Christmas. That's right just because you think you are so cool for thinking there is lots of snow here and knowing nothing else about the city, I'm going to get pissed at you. Then when it actually starts snowing we're going to cry to country it is snowing really hard and act like a pussy in two feet of snow and make fools of ourselves. Because that's how Buffalo does shit, we talk a lot of shit.”

– Buffalo, New York

Famous Buffalonians

• Grover Cleveland
• Millard Filmore
• O.J. Simpson, sorta
• Rick James
• John Wayne Bobbitt
• Wolf Blitzer
• Timothy McVeigh
• Fat shirtless drunks wearing hard hats
• Fat drunk girls who chain smoke and threaten strangers
• The Goo Goo Dolls
• Cannibal Corpse
• Mr. Freeze
• The Abominable Snowman
• Ice Cube
• Frosty, the Not-Quite-So-Abominable-as-the-Abominable-Snowman Snowman
• Gronk Nope, we kicked this Jabroni out. He's basically a Bostonian now

See also

• Buffalo (animal)