Tank Bowl
The ungodly abomination that was the TANK BOWL was an American football game played by 2 abysmal NFL teams, The Miami Lolphins and the Washington Shitskins on October 13, 2019. It was "played" in Hard Rock Stadium in Miami, Florida.
| Q1 | Q2 | Q3 | Q4 | F | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Washington | 0 | 7 | 10 | 0 | 17 |
| Miami | 0 | 3 | 0 | 13 | 16 |
Background[edit | edit source]
Miami Dolphins[edit | edit source]
The Miami Dolphins came into this game at 0-4, having been outscored 26-163. The LOLphins have been tanking in hopes of snagging Alabama QB Tua Tagovailoa in the 2020 NFL Draft. This "team" has been led by Josh Rosen (QB), who had been acquired from the Cardinals on a draft-day trade. Tickets for this game started at $16 USD. Tickets to the Miami Zoo were $23. Of course, the zoo only has 2 shit-flinging monkeys, instead of the 53 players and coaching staff of Miami.
Hail to the Deadskins[edit | edit source]
The Redskin Potatoes have not mastered the art of tanking, so they trekked 1,085 miles to learn tanking from the best of them. On the way there, Jay Gruden was fired, and promptly devoured by Sasquatches. They have had, quite possibly, the saddest QB dilemma in history, torn between Case Keenum, Colt McCoy, or Dwayne Haskins. They came into this game as the "worse" team, statistically speaking, at 0-5, compared to the Fins at 0-4. Miami just had to rest on a bye week before losing to this challenger.
Betting Lines: Washington -6.0, O/U 42.0[edit | edit source]
Quarter 1[edit | edit source]
The game kicked off, and Washington, following the tradition of the 2nd half deferment, received the ball first. The Skins went 3 & Out. Miami got the ball, and punted. Repeat this 2 more times; the first 6 drives ended in a punt. There really isn't anything to say about the first quarter, just punt the damn ball.
Washington 0-0 Miami[edit | edit source]
Quarter 2[edit | edit source]
Things appeared to be going similarly in the 2nd, but then, something HAPPENED! Josh Rosen slung the ball, and it came down!...into the hands of Redskins defender Quenton Dunbar. Oh yeah, Washington score a TD before this, eh, doesn't matter anyways, we're all gonna die, and no one will remember us or this game. Punts and shit happen, and the Dolphins, with a minute and change left in the half, kick a field goal from 39 yards out.
Washington 7-3 Miami[edit | edit source]
Quarter 3[edit | edit source]
After a 12 minute snack break called "half-time", the two teams re-emerge from their moms' basements to duke it out for another half-hour. This quarter has some scoring, so buckle up, chucklefuck. Redskins march downfield and score after a Miami punt. With just under 10 minutes to go in the 3rd, the Fish threw ANOTHER PICK! SKINS BALL! Washington seizes the opportunity, and puts in a chip-shot 3 pointer. (WAS 17-3 MIA) Washington eases up, remembering the goal of the glorious Tank Bowl: to lose. Nothing else of importance happens for the rest of the 3rd quarter.
Washington 17-3 Miami[edit | edit source]
Quarter 4[edit | edit source]
In classic Tank Bowl fashion, the Redskins try to aspirate their own puke and die, and Dolphins backup quarterback and serial conman Ryan Fitzpatrick cons his coaches into letting him play, banishing Rosen into the Phantom Zone forever and promptly throwing for TWO TOUCHDOWNS! Unfortunately for the Skins, Miami follows the doctrine of:
"FUCK YOU, WE'RE GONNA LOSE!"
Miami, being courteous, decided to make it civil. After Fitzmagic's second score, the Lolphins go for two, seemingly unaware of the potential win they'd receive. But Miami was smarter than that, and proceeded to "drop" the 2-pt conversion. In a futile attempt at winning, Miami tries an onside kick, that goes right to Washington. BALLGAME OVER.
Washington 17-16 Miami[edit | edit source]
Post-game, or, Mercy on our Eyes[edit | edit source]
This debacle is widely considered the greatest match-up in the 2019 NFL season, if not the greatest sporting event of all time.
Scoring Breakdown[edit | edit source]
| Quarter | Time | Team | Detail | WAS | MIA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2 | 11:42 | Redskins | Terry McLaurin 25 yard pass from Case Keenum (Dustin Hopkins kick) | 7 | 0 |
| 1:13 | Dolphins | Jason Sanders 39 yard field goal | 7 | 3 | |
| 3 | 9:48 | Redskins | Terry McLaurin 33 yard pass from Case Keenum (Dustin Hopkins kick) | 14 | 3 |
| 4:19 | Redskins | Dustin Hopkins 21 yard field goal | 17 | 3 | |
| 4 | 11:07 | Dolphins | Kalen Ballage 1 yard rush (Jason Sanders kick) | 17 | 10 |
| 0:10 | Dolphins | DeVante Parker 11 yard pass from Ryan Fitzpatrick (pass failed) | 17 | 16 |
This game was dubbed "Super Tank Bowl," and many people said it would be a scoreless draw (0-0), a score that is frequently seen in soccer.
Trophy Presentation[edit | edit source]
On behalf of the entire NFL, I, Uncyclopedia user JetsFanMan, present the Tank Bowl Trophy to the Miami Dolphins! May the quest for Tua continue, and may the imperfect season occur!
Notes[edit | edit source]
This game further solidified Ryan Fitzmagic's 'reputation' as a tryhard as his 4th quarter antics almost cost the Lolphins the win. This article was written with many inside jokes that you probably won't get. Furthermore, both teams failed to win the overall tank. Cincinnati won the Tank Bowl, finishing with a league worst 2-14 record. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on who you ask, Tua blew out his hip two weeks after this abomination of a game, allowing Joe Brrr to go first overall to Cincinnati while Miami got sloppy second dibs on the damaged Tua.
External links[edit | edit source]
- YouTuber UrinatingTree made a video about this quote-unquote "game" --> Washington Redskins vs. Miami Dolphins (October 13, 2019) - The Greatest Game