HowTo:Be Completely Oblivious
“What? What just happened?”
“In Soviet Russia, No one pays attention to YOU!!!”
You may think that that guy who's tuning you out or somebody that you see chatting away on the phone while their car is being stolen, might be just retarded, but what you don't know is the actual skill that it takes to be that oblivious to that's going on around you. This is a guide on the many techniques to completely lose touch with everything that is going on around you.
Techniques to Being Oblivious[edit | edit source]
The following techniques will help you in your quest for ignorance. obey them with all your heart.
Constantly use your cell phone[edit | edit source]
Become addicted to it. It is your new best friend, an even bigger friend than most of the friends you spend all your waking hours talking to them about it. If you don't have a cell phone, get one. NOW.
On no occasion are you to actually hang up your cell phone. You are to keep talking until they hang up on You. If you hang up on them, you may not muster up enough energy to start talking aimlessly to someone else.
Don't get a Bluetooth headset to talk to anyone. You must actually be using your hands to block your view, thus enhancing your experience on being oblivious.
Meditate[edit | edit source]
If you determine that getting a cell phone is too costly, you may determine that you need to find another way to become ignorant of your surroundings. One way is to meditate on something that has nothing to do with the task at hand. To do this you must be completely focused on being oblivious.
Sit in one spot and do not move. Think about something else. Sing a little song. Loudly. This is especially effective for tuning someone out and sending a clear message that you want people to shut up or you just like being annoying.
Develop an Addiction[edit | edit source]
Become addicted to any of the substances below and watch your life slowly ebb away.....
- World of Warcraft
- Crack
- Sex
- Cocaine
- Kitten Huffing
- Scrabble
- Gambling
- Murder
- Japanese
- Video Games
- Uncyclopedia
- Sex with toys
- Sports
- Beer
- Cigarettes
- Sharpie
- World of Warcraft
- MySpace
- World of Warcraft
- Kittens
- Anime
Becoming addicted to any of these shall cause a downward spiral that you will not be able to control. Congratulations. You have just succeeded.
Read This Article[edit | edit source]
You are already well on your way to losing all touch with the outside world. Finish reading this article and you'll have likely lost all your friends, family, and general outsiders. Why? Because I Said So.
Join A Club[edit | edit source]
They will sell your soul just so they can the few extra bucks of fundraising money, and you will never even notice. Perfect if you're absolutely desperate not to notice anything.
If you get into the higher ranks of any club, you will start manipulating other people yourself instead of just being manipulated. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. If you become a mainpulator, it requires you to actually pay attention to other people' reactions. STOP IT!
Role Models[edit | edit source]
Look up to any of the following people for an inspiration on being oblivious.
Ignorance Is Bliss[edit | edit source]
Always remember one thing: Ignorance is bliss. Never ask questions. Just be glad you don't know. Don't talk. Don't look. Don't listen. You don't know anything about it. At all. Ever. Just stop thinking about it. NOW. SERIOUSLY!
“IGNORANCE IS KEY TO BEING OBLIVIOUS.”