Angry Birds
“Those birds are angry.”
“Bird is the word!”
Angry Birds is an insanely obscure video game series created by Finnish app designers and marketed by Google Applications, a subsidiary of Google Ltd which is a company in the Google family. Since its "Finishing", the Angry Birds have migrated south to America, giving up pig genocide to invest heavily in blue chip trading. The game is currently available on IPhone, ITunes, and Atari cartridiges for poor people less fortunate than us.
Information[edit | edit source]
The Angry Birds series takes place in an island off the coast of some place which is inhabited by green pigs. The location is unimportant but it is important that the pigs are green, green being the colour of genocide. It is also inhabited by a population of birds, all having a case of extreme squizofrenia and a total inability to share living space.
The game begins with birds ignoring their unhatched eggs while day dreaming about giant slingshots and mass murder. Without realising, the eggs get stolen by the green pigs in hopes of eliminating a new generation of genocidal maniacs. The pigs hope to deliver said eggs to their famine-ridden villages to feed the hungry, thus killing one bird with two goods. The birds, who care nothing about their unhatched children, use the theft as an excuse to wage a holy Jehad against pigs, especially green pigs. Their oil black rage manifests itself into murderous super powers converting the birds into kamekazi flying ninjas of various colours and specialized abilities.
The objective of the game is to help focus the direction of the birds' suicide mission in the attempt to get to their eggs by flying through fragile glass and thick wooden beams. Angry birds don't use their wings but instead have human beings launch them in hopes of inflicting severe damage to the porcine species. The player must shoot the birds from gigantic catapults so that they blow things up effectively turning them into exploding cannon balls with feathers. The structures are known to topple and crush the pig into pork platter. Some pigs are known to survive for hours after the carnage, suffering from crushed ribs and singed eyelashes. The birds celebrate their victory by eating their own eggs with a side dish of raw bacon. Green bacon. Like green ham and eggs, which is not shown in the actual game.
Types of Birds[edit | edit source]
Throughout the many levels of Angry Birds, different bird species of varying shapes and sizes will show up, all with their own unique abilities, but sharing the same anger problems.
Main[edit | edit source]
- Red: The first and most common type of bird in the game. When flung from a slingshot, it flies in the air knocking over structures, killing pigs, and dying afterward. Being regarded by Angry Birds players everywhere as really fucking useless, Red fell into a deep depression. After several therapy sessions, Red blatantly ignored everything they said about "controlling your anger" and whatnot, and uses his concerning amount of rage to scream at shit built by the pigs, knocking them over like Jenga. This technique is most prominently used in the 1815 romantic thriller novel Angry Birds 2.
- Chuck Norris: A bird whose body comes in a non-conformist triangular shape. When touched, this bird can perform a Holdo Maneuver and destroy a bunch of stuff.
- Jay and Jake and Jim: Also known as the Blues for whatever fucking reason. When touched, this bird can multiply in the air without the need of sex (this is because they are canonically underage, which would make things awkward, disgusting and illegal in that order). They are either asexual or a self cloning machine.
- Bomb: A fat black bird who records a video for his family and friends and then blows himself up along with random innocent pigs in the name of the great invisible bird in the sky, the great and compassionate bird god, the merciful. Great be His name.
- Matilda: This bird either drops an egg or defecates a very large undigested breakfast. Whatever it is, it explodes on contact. This bird does not die. It is unclear if the bird goes back to its garrison and reloads via copulation or the consumption of triple breakfast combo with hollandaise sauce. She does explosive birth. In one comic, she had bare, heart shaped feet.
- Hal: A deformed bird whose beak is bigger than its body and most gamers' phallic parts. It works like a boomerang when thrown, except it doesn't come back. It dies like the other birds that get thrown out of a slingshot.
- Bubble Wrap- oh uh I mean Bubbles: This bird expands its size and kills pigs sumo-style. His use in the games absolutely nothing to do with bubbles, making his name complete bullshit.
- Stella: One of the few girl birds in the game. She kills pigs with surprisingly deadly bubbles despite the fact that there is literally another bird called Bubble Wrap, who she apparently raped one time. She's also known to be a filthy little whore who demands to be the leader of the flock, causing a coup d'état. She has reportedly committed multiple hate crimes against the Blues, and revels in money and lust. She has long, bare legs and three toes on her feet. In one comic, she wore nothing but a purple dress and purple shoes that showed the heels of her feet.
- Terence: A bigger, fatter red bird that does more damage to both the ecosystem and your enemies. He is always completely immobile and silent, but refuses to tell anyone why unless they're already contemplating deleting themselves from existence.
- Mighty Eagle: The most powerful bird in the game. With the use of canned fish, it can be summoned to destroy all pigs in its path. But he's so fucking greedy, so you need to beg your parents for money before you can use him.
- Silver: A carnivorous grey bird that always forgets to activate her parachute when attacking the pigs, resulting in a nosedive and crashing through the ceiling.
- Melody: A plump brown bird that eats everything in her path, including your iPhone 20 Pro and Google Pixel Pie, by singing... somehow. Because of this, she is currently under investigation by the Piggy Island Government (P.I.G.) as of 2022.
Rejected[edit | edit source]
- Big Bird: An early concept for the game until they found out Sesame Street already had one.
- Gun Bird: Rejected for being too violent.
- Dodo Bird: Rejected because they're extinct.
- Rape Bird: Rejected for raping pigs.
- Mallard: Surprisingly, Mallard was added, but he was removed on the June 30th 2012 update because he started demanding raises by raping innocent pigs.
- Kevin: Sadly, the Finnish people who made this were sued by Pixar.
Types of Pigs[edit | edit source]
- Minion Pig: Not for children under three years.
- Minion 2 Pig: A stereotypical green pig who lives in a poorly constructed house.
- Minion 3 Pig: NOT the largest. Goliath Pig is larger.
- Goliath Pig: Lives in Utopia (from Angry Birds Space) and constantly eats popcorn.
- Corporal Pig: Just 'cause he wears a helmet doesn't mean he's safe from the
mbirds.
- Mustache Pig: Do pigs SERIOUSLY grow facial hair?
- King Pig: The evil leader of the evil pigs who evilly desires the Bird's eggs.
- Chef Pig: A chef.
Popularity[edit | edit source]
Since the game was first released in December 2009, it became inexplicably popular around the world. Thus began the creation of many sequels, including Angry Birds Space, Angry Birds Rio, Angry Birds Iraq, Angry Birds Stella, Angry Birds Somalia, Angry Birds Terrorists and so much more. The rising popularity of Angry Birds eventually forced T-Shirts, toys, drugs, and many other things in life to be given an Angry Birds theme.
There have been talks in the Amusement Park Company to build an Angry Birds ride, where people would fly off slingshots and hit structures. This idea was scrapped because they wouldn't be able to pay for all those hospital bills and because they couldn't find any green pigs.
The fame of Angry Birds has given the pork industry, farmers, and some fast food joints a new way to do their jobs. Simply by shooting chickens at pigs they will be able to sell not one, but two meats at the same time. McDonald's calls it the Chicken-Pork McAngrybird Bite.
Criticism and Controversy[edit | edit source]
Like many extremely popular things, Angry Birds has received quite a little bit of controversy from certain people. Parents argue that the games teach children about anger and pig abuse. Some also believe the game series is saying that violence solves your problems. But the most controversial thing about Angry Birds come from reports of die-hard fans committing suicide by shooting themselves from giant slingshots and into buildings.
Despite these, Angry Birds remains popular to this very day and does not plan to end anytime soon.
Film[edit | edit source]
WARNING: Not intended for pigs. May give you bird flu.
As of February 2012 at 3:00 pm, Warner Brothers has announced the making of an Angry Birds-inspired film. The film is said to involve a man trying to solve the problem of wild pigs eating everyone in town. He gets involved with a Government-based plan of making genetically-engineered birds which will be thrown at the pigs to end the problem once and for all. This would follow confrontation by PETA and KFC for foolishly treating the birds as weapons rather than animals or food.
The movie is slated to be released sometime in mid 2019. It will guest star Jack Black, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Big bird, and a host of others. A trailer for the movie has already been released, but spoilers may be included and it may be fake.A new movie where the pigs do not steal the eggs and Red falls in love with Silver.
TV Spin-Off[edit | edit source]
Angry Birds got itself TV Series. A television series of Angry Birds, modeled after Adam Sandler's critically acclaimed film Anger Management , is rumored to air on Cartoon Network. The series will involve the birds attending anger management classes to combat their hatred of pigs. And will be titled "Genocide is not cool" Another possibility is an untitled rumored series, where the birds and pigs team up together and go to war with the carebears with a pre-emptive strike involving sling shotting the moon into the sun. And another TV show that involves Garry and Silver.