Terraforming

Carl Sagan theorized that one day humanity could shop at Costco on other planets

Terraforming is the hypothetical process by which a planetary body's properties are modified to allow for the building of Costco Wholesale retail stores there. The process was first proposed by astronomer Carl Sagan, who wanted to build a Costco on Venus, as his local Costco was far too crowded, especially on the weekends, making it unsafe to drive in the parking lot. It's generally agreed that humanity has neither the technology nor the societal will to sustain such a gargantuanly expensive venture. Still, this hasn't stopped engineers and scientists from speculating how best to build a Costco on other planets.

What a planet needs for a Costco

Carl Sagan (Pictured) with his son Nick, on one of his weekly Costco shopping trips

Sagan theorized that a planet needed three things to host a viable Costco retail store:

1. A environment habitable for humans

A planet that can support a Costco needs an environment habitable enough to allow construction crews to build Costco warehouses, and shoppers to shop inside it. Sagan was insistent that any steps to modify people, whether by genetically engineering humans to breathe in space, or giving everyone space suits, would not be convenient and accessible enough to create an authentic Costco experience, and that such "sciency bullshit" is better left to the Sam's Club types.

In response to Sagan's theories, Isaac Asimov argued that the environment need not be made habitable to human standards if there existed an alien civilization that could run and use the Costco stores instead. However, Sagan felt that an alien species from a planet other than Earth would possess wildly different physiological needs and cultural values, and would thus not be capable of running, much less developing the idea of, a Costco.

2. A capitalist economy

In addition, a planet that can support a Costco needs a system of economics and logistics that allows for the existence of private companies that sell consumer goods, and makes the selling of bulk items and $1.50 hot dogs and soda combos a reasonably profitable venture. While Sagan conceded that the process of terraforming likely required massive initial investments by world governments, he believed that a real Costco would eventually have to be profitable on its own, and a government firm disguised as a Costco would therefore not constitute genuine terraforming.

Sagan theorized of a potential loophole in which the Costco company itself becomes the world government, although he considered it a form of "cheating," as simply having large government-run depots was not in the spirit of independence and entrepreneurship which he believed characterized the average Costco shopper.

3. A car-dependent lifestyle and the resulting suburban sprawl

Finally, a planet that can support a Costco must have a large enough consumer base to sustain a store of that size, coupled with the suburban, car-dependent lifestyle that makes shopping at a big-box retail store a reasonable investment in terms of time and money. Sagan again insisted that a tiny little vending kiosk floating inside some cutesy space station would not count as a Costco, even if it had the logo slapped on it. He specifically references sprawling exoburb towns like Katy, Texas as an "ideal settlement" that could sustain a Costco profitably.

The terraformed planet's society would need to revolve heavily around car ownership to fit the business model of a Costco, as Costco generally sells to more affluent consumers who want items in bulk. Public transportation is an impractical means to transport items in bulk. Large SUVs, minivans or trucks are much more suited to the task. Later writers thought up of other transportation methods like large drones, teleportation, or shrink rays to sidestep the need for the mass prevalence of mass car ownership. Sagan dismissed these ideas as ludicrous, as he considered the experience of driving to the parking lot of a Costco and loading all the heavy bulk items inside the car using empty fruit boxes in lieu of bags to be a fundamental part of the Costco experience. Anything else would not be a Costco, but rather some kind of perverted Amazon.

Challenges of terraforming

Ok, but does it have a Costco?

Human habitability

The issue of turning barren worlds into habitable homes presents the most difficult technological hurdle to properly building Costco stores on other planets. Humanity has yet to develop the geoengineering technologies needed to turn atmospheres breathable, or from empty basins create oceans teeming with life, which can then be fished for salmon to be sold as filets or sashimi at Costco. With our current knowledge, there is as of yet no means to turn the vast flatlands of Mars into verdant grasslands, dotted with cows which can then be butchered and sold as beef ribs or prime roast ready ribeyes at Costco. The toxic perchlorates inside Martian soil will never allow the growth of great trees, which could be cut into 72" long Accent Cabinets or backyard sheds to be sold at Costco.

Sagan was aware of these challenges, and developed a few speculative processes to make the planet Venus habitable enough for Costco shopping. He thought a specially engineered microbe introduced into the Venetian atmosphere could produce enough oxygen to allow the breathing necessary to shop at a Costco. He thought a fan in space could be built large enough to blow away most of Venus' gas, both cooling the surface and reducing the atmospheric pressure to levels manageable enough for cart attendants to move carts back into the proper staging area without exploding into giblets. He even designed a mock-up of a giant parabolic mirror, made from a 12' patio umbrella he bought at Costco, which could be placed at the Sun–Venus L₁ Lagrangian point to keep Venus in shade.

Other writers have drawn on Sagan's concepts to flesh out their own plans: Kim Stanley Robinson wrote a whole trilogy of books, the "Red Mars" trilogy, about the struggles of a nascent Martian society to build their first Costco. Robinson details how the early Mars colonists drilled massive tunnels to vent mantle gasses into the atmosphere, creating rain clouds which could feed the wheat which makes the flour necessary for Double Chocolate Chunk Cookies.

Preserving private ownership in the age of post-scarcity

Sagan worried that the fantastical technologies that could make other planets habitable to human life may end up betraying the entire point of terraforming, as a future society with such advanced tools might decide to do away with private ownership and capitalism all together, rendering Costco's irrelevant. Although a few naysayers have suggested that Costco stores in the future could simply give away their inventory for free, Sagan felt that the absence of consumer capitalism would betray the very appeal of Costco. If someone wished to obtain lots of free junk in a post-scarcity society, there would be no need for big-box warehouse retail stores, as you could simply have them delivered to your homes instantly via whatever exotic transportation methods would be invented by then.

As Sagan argued, "A Costco isn't a Costco without saving by buying in bulk, and you can't save any money if everything is free, to the point that money becomes irrelevant entirely." He posited that private ownership and capitalism could still be maintained despite post-scarcity technology, if there existed a ruthless military junta which preserved the ownership of capital in the hands of a select few, only giving the population enough to be sated, but not so much that currency loses its meaning. He believed that such a system would likely have to exist anyway, as a true post-scarcity society would allow people to create as much enriched uranium as they could, thereby blowing up the entire world and reverting post-scarcity back to good old fashioned scarcity.

If limits on individual choice within post-scarcity were to be enforced, it is reasonable to expect such limits would almost exclusively benefit those already in power, and that those limits would allow room for the scarcity needed to make the bulk purchasing savings of Costco appealing to the general population.

Maintaining car-dependency and suburban sprawl during colonization

Sagan also feared that, due to the very nature of space exploration's focus on cost-savings and efficiency, space-faring colonists would choose to abandon the car-dependent suburban sprawl of the American hinterland in favor of unsightly commie blocks in which resources could be centralized and distributed. The harsh environment of alien planets would not be initially conducive to suburban homes, with their ample storage space and two car garages, and colonists could instead be forced to live inside tiny, cramped pods, like the people of Hong Kong, who do not have a Costco. Sagan promoted a more "frontier minded" method of colonization, in which small groups of space colonists would be given parcels of land be developed through homesteading. Geoengineering could be accomplished beforehand, by guest workers who could then pick the crops needed to make a Costco chicken caesar salad.

Sagan, however fearful, was still ultimately confident that future colonists would preserve vehicle dependency on alien planets, as wheeled or tracked vehicles would likely be the only practical way to initially traverse the hazardous environs of alien planets. By the time public transport could be built, colonists would already be used to driving vehicles with enough space to store important equipment and goods, making them excellent Costco shoppers, who wouldn't think twice buying stainless steel Breville air fryers or espresso machines or Shark Navigator Lift Away Deluxe Upright Vacuums, which are a steal for for $189.99.

Importance of rotisserie chickens

We have lost so much in the name of progress

When a study commissioned by NASA suggested that all future space colonists would have to go vegan, Sagan flew into a rage, arguing that by its very nature, terraforming requires the existence of rotisserie chickens, sold in sturdy, dependable clamshell containers. If forced to be vegan, Sagan conjectured that the demoralized colonists would have no backbone and be perfectly willing to live in tiny pods and eat ground up crickets for protein, making them obedient subjects conducive to fascism. Large-scale animal farming would require significant resources, especially in space, but humanity would retain the resilience and freedom of spirit needed to preserve Democracy.

See also

• Terraforming of Venus