Terraforming
Terraforming is the hypothetical process by which a planetary body's properties are modified to allow for the building of Costco Wholesale retail stores there. The process was first proposed by astronomer Carl Sagan, who wanted to build a Costco on Venus, as his local Costco was far too crowded, especially on the weekends, making it unsafe to drive in the parking lot. It's generally agreed that humanity has neither the technology nor the societal will to sustain such a gargantuanly expensive venture. Still, this hasn't stopped engineers and scientists from speculating how best to build a Costco on other planets.
What a planet needs for a Costco
Sagan theorized that a planet needed three things to host a viable Costco retail store:
1. An environment habitable for humans
A planet that can support a Costco needs an environment habitable enough to allow construction crews to build Costco warehouses, and shoppers to shop inside it. Sagan was insistent that any steps to modify people, whether by genetically engineering humans to breathe in space, or giving everyone space suits, would not be convenient and accessible enough to create an authentic Costco experience, and that such "sciency bullshit" is better left to the Sam's Club types.
In response to Sagan's theories, Isaac Asimov argued that the environment need not be made habitable to human standards if there existed an alien civilization that could run and use the Costco stores instead. However, Sagan felt that an alien species from a planet other than Earth would possess wildly different physiological needs and cultural values, and would thus not be capable of running, much less developing the idea of, a Costco.
2. A capitalist economy
In addition, a planet that can support a Costco needs a system of economics and logistics that allows for the existence of private companies that sell consumer goods, and makes the selling of bulk items and $1.50 hot dogs and soda combos a reasonably profitable venture. While Sagan conceded that the process of terraforming likely required massive initial investments by world governments, he believed that a real Costco would eventually have to be profitable on its own, and a government firm disguised as a Costco would therefore not constitute genuine terraforming.
Sagan theorized of a potential loophole in which the Costco company itself becomes the world government, although he considered it a form of "cheating", as simply having large government-run depots was not in the spirit of independence and entrepreneurship which he believed characterized the average Costco shopper.
3. A car-dependent lifestyle and the resulting suburban sprawl
Finally, a planet that can support a Costco must have a large enough consumer base to sustain a store of that size, coupled with the suburban, car-dependent lifestyle that makes shopping at a big‑box retail store a reasonable investment in terms of time and money. Sagan again insisted that a tiny little vending kiosk floating inside some cutesy space station would not count as a Costco, even if it had the logo slapped on it. He specifically references sprawling exoburb towns like Katy, Texas as an "ideal settlement" that could sustain a Costco profitably.
The terraformed planet's society would need to revolve heavily around car ownership to fit the business model of a Costco, as Costco generally sells to more affluent consumers who want items in bulk. Public transportation is an impractical means to transport items in bulk. Large SUVs, minivans or trucks are much more suited to the task. Later writers thought up of other transportation methods like large drones, teleportation, or shrink rays to sidestep the need for the mass prevalence of mass car ownership. Sagan dismissed these ideas as ludicrous, as he considered the experience of driving to the parking lot of a Costco and loading all the heavy bulk items inside the car using empty fruit boxes in lieu of bags to be a fundamental part of the Costco experience. Anything else would not be a Costco, but rather some kind of perverted Amazon.
Challenges of terraforming
Human habitability
Turning barren worlds into habitable homes would require humanity to overcome serious technological hurdles, far beyond what we can do today. Humanity has yet to develop the geoengineering technologies needed to turn atmospheres breathable, or from empty basins create oceans teeming with life, which can then be fished for salmon to be sold as filets or sashimi at Costco. With our current knowledge, there is as of yet no means to turn the vast flatlands of Mars into verdant grasslands, dotted with cows which can then be butchered and sold as beef at Costco. The toxic perchlorates inside Martian soil will never allow the growth of trees to be cut and sawn[1] into cabinets and sheds and such.
The planet Venus would present even more significant obstacles to any future terraforming efforts, as Sagan was well aware. Undaunted, he developed a few hypothetical plans to tame Earth's sister planet and make it Costco-ready. He thought a specially engineered microbe introduced into the Venetian atmosphere could produce enough oxygen to allow the breathing necessary to shop at a Costco. He thought a fan in space could be built large enough to blow away most of Venus' gas, both cooling the surface and reducing the atmospheric pressure to levels manageable enough for cart attendants to move carts back into the proper staging area without exploding into giblets. He even designed a mockup of a giant parabolic mirror, made from a twelve-foot patio umbrella he bought at Costco, which could be placed at the Sun–Venus L1 Lagrange point to keep Venus in shade.
Other writers have drawn on Sagan's concepts to flesh out their own plans: Kim Stanley Robinson wrote a whole trilogy of books, the "Red Mars" trilogy, about the struggles of a nascent Martian society to build their first Costco. Robinson details how the early Mars colonists drilled massive tunnels to vent mantle gasses into the atmosphere, creating rain clouds which could feed the wheat which makes the flour necessary for Double Chocolate Chunk Cookies.[2]
Preserving private ownership in the age of post-scarcity
Sagan worried that the fantastical technologies that could make other planets habitable for human life may end up betraying the entire point of terraforming, as a future society with such advanced tools might decide to do away with private ownership and capitalism all together, rendering Costco irrelevant. Although a few naysayers have suggested that Costco stores in the future could simply give away their inventory for free, Sagan felt that the absence of consumer capitalism would betray the very appeal of Costco. If someone wished to obtain lots of free junk in a post-scarcity society, there would be no need for big‑box warehouse retail stores, as you could simply have them delivered to your homes instantly via whatever exotic transportation methods would be invented by then.
As Sagan argued, "A Costco isn't a Costco without saving by buying in bulk, and you can't save any money if everything is free, to the point that money becomes irrelevant entirely." He posited that private ownership and capitalism could still be maintained despite post-scarcity technology, if there existed a ruthless military junta which preserved the ownership of capital in the hands of a select few, only giving the population enough to be sated, but not so much that currency loses its meaning. He believed that such a system would likely have to exist anyway, as a true post-scarcity society would allow people to create as much enriched uranium as they could, thereby blowing up the entire world and reverting post-scarcity back to good old fashioned scarcity.
If limits on individual choice within post-scarcity were to be enforced, it is reasonable to expect such limits would almost exclusively benefit those already in power, and that those limits would allow room for the scarcity needed to make the bulk purchasing savings of Costco appealing to the general population.
Maintaining car-dependency and suburban sprawl during colonization
Sagan also feared that, due to the very nature of space exploration's focus on cost-savings and efficiency, spacefaring colonists would choose to abandon the car-dependent suburban sprawl of the American hinterland in favor of unsightly commie blocks in which resources could be centralized and distributed. The harsh environment of alien planets would not be initially conducive to suburban homes, with their ample storage space and two car garages, and colonists could instead be forced to live inside tiny, cramped pods, like the people of Hong Kong, who do not have a Costco.[3] Sagan promoted a more "frontier minded" method of colonization, in which small groups of space colonists would be given parcels of land to be developed through homesteading. Geoengineering could be accomplished beforehand, by guest workers who could then pick the crops needed to make a Costco chicken Caesar salad.
Sagan, however fearful, was still ultimately confident that future colonists would preserve vehicle dependency on alien planets, as wheeled or tracked vehicles would likely be the only practical way to initially traverse the hazardous environs of alien planets. By the time public transport could be built, colonists would already be used to driving vehicles with enough space to store important equipment and goods, making them excellent Costco shoppers, who wouldn't think twice buying stainless steel Breville air fryers or espresso machines or Shark Navigator Lift Away Deluxe Upright Vacuums, which are a steal at $189.99.
Importance of rotisserie chickens
When a study commissioned by NASA suggested that all future space colonists would have to go vegan, Sagan flew into a rage, arguing that by its very nature, terraforming requires the existence of rotisserie chickens, sold in sturdy, dependable clamshell containers.[4] If forced to be vegan, Sagan conjectured that the demoralized colonists would have no backbone and be perfectly willing to live in tiny pods and eat ground up crickets for protein, making them obedient subjects conducive to fascism. Large-scale animal farming would require significant resources, especially in space, but humanity would retain the resilience and freedom of spirit needed to preserve Democracy.
Sagan, naturally, believed that Costco was an indispensable component of any free and Democratic society. In his words, to call a society without a Costco "Democratic" would be semantically meaningless, like a colorless green idea sleeping furiously: grammatically correct, but complete nonsense otherwise.
See also
Notes
- ↑ as seen at Costco
- ↑ “If you call them Double Chunk Chocolate Cookies, you’re a fucking poser and you should fucking kill yourself.” – Carl Sagan
- ↑ The nearby city of Shenzhen does have a Costco, highly popular for shoppers driving their FAW Bestune NAT 2024, with over 400km of range in one charge, prices starting at ¥166,000 CNY! Check the Bestune site on how to bypass sanctions, and order one today!
- ↑ Sagan would be rolling in his grave if he found out Costco phased out the clamshell containers in favor of leaky plastic bags.
