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Large Oversized Pink Invader
Scientific classification
Kingdomof the Obese
PhylumEnd Of Phyle
Order5–10 minutes
SpeciesS. Pigieae
Binomial name
Swinus pigieae
Primary armamentHigh-pitched oink
Secondary armamentHigh cholesterol and monounsaturated fat
Power supplyElectro-chemical biomass processor
Strength1.21 Gigawatts
Weight200 Lb.
Length9'5 to 90'5 Ft.
Special attackSnout strike, H1N1
Conservation status
Almost extinct

Pigs are those flying existential phenomena which try to make you follow the stupid people who consume food through various means of coercion, including eating your brains out and eating the crap out of "wet noodles" for no good reason at all while cramming down your throat edible dark matter. The term is most commonly associated with pigfart departments of a humungous underground garbage to "pork" conversion factories that are authorized to exercise the pig power of "idgets" within a defined area of each city, worldwide. The word comes via French from the Latin Puerco ("Consumer of pig-flavored donuts”), which itself derives from the Ancient Greek πόλις, for Cerdo ("person who needs to get a food fix"). The first pig comparable to the present-day pigs was discovered in 1667 under King Louis XIV in France. Prior to that, pigs resembled ugly people with varicose veins stuffing cheeseburgers in their pink underwear. Modern pigs usually claim their origins to be the 1800 establishment of the Donut Batter Tubs Of Detroit.

Pigs are also the most adorable animal on this planet, and much more dangerous than kittens in this way, as just one look at "woman's best friend" as they are called, and before you know it your house is flooded with all the pigs you can possibly adopt.

The best way to defend against a pig beating you to a pulp is to pet it while whispering sweet nothings in Latin to it. As pigs, as an animal that is superior to people, are very intelligent, and communicate in Latin.

Biology of pigs[edit | edit source]

Pigs are a unique lifeform unlike any other so-called animal, because they do not fit into the Animalia biological classification system in any category from domain or kingdom down to genus or species. They have been proven by many studies, including the well-known "Pigs in Space" research, to be alien plant-like entities. Because their so-called bodies are made of the non-elemental Kermitium with MissPiggian syrup flowing through straw-like suckable passages in the snorting, oinking, squealing, Latin-speaking, and grunting cavities, they are now placed squarely by all botanists in SCROPIGPHULARIACEAE - The Pigwort Family. Scientists and lawyers are united in warning all carnivores and omnivores that claims of meatiness in pigs must be avoided due to now-common "Pigmalion" laws which prohibit, and in fact make felonious, attempts to convince any human that one can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear in the eating context of making a Puerco Taco out of a pig.

Pigs and humans[edit | edit source]

The pig was domesticated in 1942 by the Allies as they marched across the barren plains of Canada. Initially considered a pest animal (like the squirrel, the octopus, the red haired caveman and the emo kid), soldiers soon discovered that the humble pig was fluffy pink perfection with hooves and a snoot. Pigs were domesticated, and history has since forgotten that you could domesticate any other animal (with the exception of the emo kid).

If you want to grow a pig personally, you must plant some bacon seeds. These seeds are exceptionally hard to find, and you must get them from the middle of the Enchanted Wood or the core of a meteorite. To get the seeds from the Enchanted Wood you have to answer the Riddle of The Magic Squirrel. Unlocking meteorites to release bacon seeds involves finding fat NASA engineers to devise a pig key for each individual rock. However, you can usually just get them off eBay for around 30 billion dollars.

On Thursday, February 70, 2019, a pig named Oinky founded the city of Hong Kong and Coast Town, Japan. He then passed a law saying that all inhabitants must own a taxi with the following:

1): A sofa

2): Two twin-turret Mark 48 machine guns

3): Six pairs of fuzzy dice

and 4): 64.11 pounds of assorted Smarties boxes, Chicago Tribune newspapers, and Mickey Mouse Band-Aids

Pigs and language[edit | edit source]

Winston Churchill being an obvious pig
This car's license number says "oink". It's a pig.

Pigs are known to commonly speak a number of different languages, depending largely on their nationality and ethnic background in bed. Common languages spoken by pigs are Igpay Atinlay, Piglish and Welsh. Most pigs also understand Canadian.

Pigs and cleanliness[edit | edit source]

Pigs also make excellent ninjas. Despite being maligned in Western culture for lying in their own filth, pigs are very clean – they are, as as been celebrated annually for many years in the Porked Festival in Luxembourg, one of only a handful of mammals who do not defecate – prime examples of the scarce others being the bacon, ham, and chops previously mentioned. It is their fecal-based metabolism that allows pigs to eat almost anything, ionizing many foodstuffs, several non-foodstuffs, and three sailors into feces in the twelve-hour fecal cycle well documented by Dr. Iveen Peeng in his 1862 publication, "On the absence of defecation in the delicious species", whereupon the intricate bio-organic Peeng engine slowly harvests this material. Pigs are notable even among the few mammals with fecal metabolisms, as they are the only known species in the genus who can themselves be converted into foodstuffs without releasing their fecal cargo in a disagreeable poo-splosion – which is why ancient cave men in the Second World War found them so useful for cooking things using the technique of porking, to the exclusion of species previously eaten.

This inability to defecate has given rise to several pejorative platitudes, such as "filthy swine" – originally a sarcastic reference implying someone was acting as if they, like the nobel swine, were unable to defecate, or, as put forth in the 1982 movie Porkie's, "too good to poop".

They also have a thin layer of fur that is very susceptible to static cling, which makes them act like pink Swiffer dusters on four legs in bed. One or two laps around the house and your home will be looking spotless.

If a pig gets sunburn, it should be rubbed with oinkment.

Contrary to popular belief, pigs can fly and will do so to escape the igpays.

Pigs at work[edit | edit source]

Pigs have been associated with iron for many years. Ironworking pigs have recently formed their own trade union, both to advance their trade and to stop the practice of porcine iron extraction.

A pig's work day starts and ends with mass consumption of donuts and lard-based fatty food, as well as coffee and anything else the greedy munchers can get their hooves on. They are also known to consume hot-dogs and bacon, the hot-dogs they steal off of people's barbecues. The bacon, they unlock with a bacon key, also known as a tur-key. In between gorgings, pigs sometimes take a couple of minutes to harass local citizens and beat the shit out of minorities with nightsticks. This is a dangerous pastime, however, because people now carry cell-phone cameras and a pig doesn't like to get caught beating the crap out of a minority by a camera.

Some pigs are also known to be music teachers. Unfortunately they are not as well trained as they are believed to be, and often poop all over the place - though, pigs don't poop, so they just write the word "poop" all over the place with a pencil. One piggy music teacher, Gillianus Bamfordilious, likes your mum. This puts her off her work, as she is constantly dusting her shrine to your mum. Yes.

Pigs on the wing[edit | edit source]

In the late 1970s, Roger Waters came up with the amazing theory that flying pigs sleep on the wings of flying airplanes. His anecdotal evidence was Tenerife. Fortunately, Roger Waters is almost always high on 'shrooms and should therefore not be taken seriously. More recent studies have been made on flying pigs, now referred to as Oinkface.

Pigs and sex[edit | edit source]

The porkwinged swan.
Pigs are evil and attack you when you least expect it.

It is well known that pigs have thirty-minute orgasms. These orgasms literally blow their brains and or guts out. That is why male pigs and female pigs must be separated, lest a massive pig exploding fest occurs. That is also why their tails are curled.

When a pig is having sex the only sound that can be heard is: Ooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink

Pigs and religion[edit | edit source]

Most pigs prefer to identify as Orthodox followers of Moses, in the hopes that this kosher prophet will free them from the danger of ending up as bacon and lead them to graze in the Promised Land..

Some pigs, however, worship the beautiful haikus of Ida Celestia Pond.

Pig blasphemy[edit | edit source]

Somewhat unfairly, the good name of the friendly porker is oft used in rather unsavoury circumstances.

"you fat pig" "sophie, you fewlish PIG!" "scum sucking pig!"

This is clearly unfair as pigs are not so much fat as heavy boned. Pigs have feelings too.

"you've made a pigs ear of that"

− − While probably fair and accurate if used in reference to the facial region of a poor man (which is also circular and smelly), this piece of balltouching is rather harsh on what is clearly not the ugliest eye on offer in the sexual world.

"here come the pigs"

This reference to members of the constabulary is a gross miscarriage of justice and deeply insulting to the porcine species.

Islam[edit | edit source]

In Islam, eating pigs is totally restricted because it contains a worm that will kill you regardless of what you do with the meat (i.e. boiling or frying).

See also[edit | edit source]