Angry Birds 2
| Angry Birds 2 | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer(s) | Rovio Entertainment |
| Publisher(s) | Also Rovio Entertainment |
| Creator(s) | Rovio Entertainment again |
| Release date | Look at the article, idiot. |
| Genre | First-person shooter |
| Platform(s) | Your phone Windows 10 |
| Would Madonna play it? | Depends |
| Official website | https://www.angrybirds.com/games/angry-birds-2/ |
“This game made me go bankrupt and I don't even know how. I'm both confused and scared.”
Angry Birds 2 is an 1815 nonfiction educational romantic thriller comedy video game published by Rovio Entertainment, a company that is located in the magical and mysterious land of Finland, and developed by EA. It is a direct sequel to the hit mobile game Angry Birds, both of which literally nobody over the age of 10 asked for. Unlike the original game, Angry Birds 2 is considered by many Angry Birds fans to be one of the biggest fucking embarrassments in the world of sinning, while others consider it a work that could only be produced by God Himself (thou be great His name or something, I don't know; I'm not religious) and worthy of spending their life savings on.
Despite the Angry Birds franchise having multiple sequels and spin-offs, this game is considered the only true sequel to the original, although Rovio has gone on record denying the fact that this is the biggest lie in history since the Holocaust not being real.
Plot[edit | edit source]
The pigs poach the birds' eggs as they migrate to an unknown territory which could be the other side of the fucking universe for all we know. The birds, for unknown reasons that cannot possibly be figured out by a majority of gamers, are not fans of child kidnapping and chase down those greedy little shits, committing countless acts of genocide along the way. The game, like suffering, has no ending. This implies that the birds will be stalking the green hogs for the rest of their genocidal lives.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Angry Birds 2 is more of the same of the first game and its countless other successors that involve launching birds from a slingshot into flimsy structures built and inhabited by pigs, except with added elements that are designed to make players want to turn their phones into a pile of shattered metal and glass. These include an infinite number of levels, being able to choose which birds to use (the only resemblance of strategy in this game), bosses with health bars and... oh god... oh god please no... not... forced ads and microtransactions (insert dramatic music here). That's right, Angry Birds 2 is yet another one of those games designed purely to squeeze every last penny out innocent players' wallets. "Watch an ad to get three more birds" this, "pay this large amount of money to keep playing" that. This article serves as a warning to everyone aiming not to get addicted to these kinds of games... although it is very easy to quit Angry Birds 2— but that's besides the point! Yes, deleting your save data after years of dedication and hours wasted sitting on the toilet and playing this game instead of looking after your child can be painful but... okay actually just don't delete your progress. Save it to the cloud or whatever in case Rovio wakes up and realises the sins they've committed.
Birds[edit | edit source]
Every character from the first game reappears in this game, with most appearing in post-launch updates (why was the great and almighty Hal not here from the start? Shame on you, Rovio). Additionally, Angry Birds 2 introduces two new female characters. BECAUSE GIRL POWER AMIRITE?! Oh uh, I-I mean the birds introduced are the following:
- Silver: Introduced at launch alongside the game. For reasons that even MatPat can't figure out, Silver can perform a mid-air somersault and nosedive structures, allowing for easy headshots and epic 360° no-scopes. Would later appear in the godawful shitshow that is The Angry Birds Movie 2 as a sTrOnG fEmAlE ChArAcTeR.
- Melody: One of the world's most evil and dangerous war criminals, right up there with Pyro from Team Fortress 2. She inhales literally anything, living or inanimate, with the power of singing and spits them out like fucking bullets. Nobody knows how or why Melody does this, and nobody has lived to tell the tale. She is wanted dead in over 170 states with an estimated body count of 20,389. Both of those numbers are rapidly increasing as you are reading this article.
Release[edit | edit source]
Angry Birds 2 was released on September 11, 1815, obviously being available in Finland first. It would be re-published several times upon it entering the public domain, most notably when it was bundled with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol and William Afton's To Kill A Mocking Child in 2015. Rovio attempted to publish the game in North Korea, before being threatened by their government claiming they'll use "every single weapon and firearm we have if you even dare introduce the concept of entertainment to our people".
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Angry Birds 2 has recently been under a lot of controversy lately for reasons including fatal seizures given when using Melody's attacks, malware involving the pigs slowly devouring everything on your phone's hard drive, and the Windows 10 version slowing down and crashing your PC (no seriously, that last one is a real thing). Rovio has yet to address any of these issues claiming that they are "more focused on adding new features that hopefully overshadow and distract people from whatever you all just said". EA has denied any involvement with these allegations. Angry Birds 2 has been nominated to be banned worldwide several times since its inception. However, Rovio's lawyers have bribed the court into cancelling these events using the power of money more times than it should be legal to.