Toys "Я" Us

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Toys "Я" Us
Founder(s)Яobert (they say)
DefunctApril 21, 2018 in Germany, Austria and Switzerland (taken over by Smyths Toys and rebranded)April 24, 2018 in the United Kingdom June 19, 2019 in France
HeadquartersBased in Waimate
ProductsCrap stuff to attract kids
ParentЯ (although the page states that otherwise)

Toys "Я" Us (founded in 1948) is a toy and juvenile-products retailer headquartered in Wayne, New Jersey, United States. The company is a malicious organization created by the malevolent Я in an attempt to take over the universe. The company has two brands which have been designed to avoid any ambiguity or confusion so the customer knows exactly what they can purchase from the store. The bands are Toys "Я" Us, which sells toys and Babies "Я" Us which sells babies.

HistoЯy[edit | edit source]

Я was a famous general in the League of Unicode Villains, headed by the nefarious . He was one of the most recent recruits into the League, and wanted to show how powerful he really was. The year was 1948, and the League of Unicode Villains was under attack from the government. So, he created an army of toys that was disguised as a labor union, and named it "Toys Я Us." ∩ was very impressed by Я's handiwork, and he was immediately appointed one of the top generals in the League. Я then decided he had to go market himself. He disguised himself as a giraffe and made himself to look kid-friendly. Toys R Us is grammatically incorrect, it should be Toys R We.

BЯainwashing childЯen[edit | edit source]

Toys Я Us figures in action

Of course, in order to succeed, an aЯmy of toys can't just run itself, you know. In AmeЯica, and particulaЯly in New YoЯk City, where Toys Я Us was headquaЯteЯsed, it's kinda haЯd being both an evil masteЯmind AND popular, so Я knew he had to do something. Disguised in his giraffe form, he set his aЯmy on the shelves in an old waЯehouse in Times SquaЯe and invited many little childЯen to play with them.

But how can an innocent little toy brainwash a simple child? Counter-Unicode organizations have phiolsophized several ways in which it can happen. The first way was that the toys all played a mysterious song when touched. Unfortunately, the song was of an extragalactic origin, and thus had magical poweЯs that would entice a child into buying the toy. The second was that Я was disguised as the giraffe and kids at the time weЯe in love with giraffes. The third was that the toys could transform at will, and turn into anything the child wished. This philosophy stems from a belief that all the toys are actually exactly the same.

regardless of those philosophies, it is known that if a child buying a toy from Toys Я Us, they will have contributed doubly to Я's evil plans. All the profits (in fact, all the revennue) generated from this operation goes to fund the League of Unicode Villains, and some of it goes directly to ∩ himself. Also, the child is bound by the toy to become another soldier for the League. In addition, scholers have noticed that children who purchase toys from the malevolent Я never seem to grow up.

The Amazonians figuЯe out the problem[edit | edit source]

A suburban mom shopping for toys suddenly finds herself the object of attention.

One day, women from the land of Amazonia figuЯed out that Я was up to no good, and attempted to attack New York in an attempt to destroy and halt all operations of the League of Unicode Villans. This conflict was known as the "Amazonian war," and lasted ten long bitter years. Commuter traffic in New York was routinely held up, as the giant feet of the Amazonians clashed with the lasers of many of the toys. But all did not go well, and the cops, who were also brainwashed by the mysterious toys created by Я, stepped in to help stop the Amazonians. Unfortunately, this led to bitter defeat, and only made it so Я would gain even more support. This was a major setback for all of humankind.

The "FisheЯ PЯice" incident[edit | edit source]

Incidently, the store sold some memorabilia from the toy company "Fisher Price" in order to get toddlers to buy the products. However, every toy sold that had the "Fisher Price" label on it would have one of those little squeaky voice box things inside. When a toddler would hit it, a voice would say "Go eat shit fuckers." This caused many paЯents, particularly Fundagelical Christians, to boycott the store. However, this made spoiled whiny white middle school brats to demand these toys from their parents.

Other pЯoducts[edit | edit source]

"Baby poops a lot" is one of the hot sellers at the store, particularly for little girls. This is the one that's aired on all those commercials with the girls (who don't actually know what they're getting into by playing with these toys). Unfortunately, this toy is true to its name. It does take a huge shit on your face and then piss in your eye sockect while fucking ur moms tits. And then the girl has to clean it up. Important parts of the droppings are absorbed onto her face. The droppings then secrete an alien chemical which forces the inhaler to suck Jay Lenos pussy.