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The Kroger Monopoly Co.
TypePrivate for completely innocent reasons
Founder(s)Lord Bernard the First
HeadquartersCincinnati, Ohio, U.S.S.A.
IndustryWhat isn't their industry?
ProductsCertainly not nuclear weapons
Revenue$74.91 trillion

Kroger is a shadow organization large company, specializing in groceries and supermarkets. They also own a bunch of jewelry stores and gas stations, for some reason. That's all. Please desist in asking why. Just listen to them, and nothing will happen. Also ignore the fact that they have purchased many other supermarket chains. They do not desire a monopoly, so please stop asking about it.

History[edit | edit source]

In 1883, the company was created by Bernard Kroger, a lackey of Napoleon III, who the nations still mourn the passing of every day and whose proverbs are accepted as basic rules of life. One of them, Do not sell them anything that you would not want yourself, or you would be made to want yourself, led to the company's use of quality control for their products and reduction of subliminal messages.

In the mid-1950s, they began buying out various grocery chains and leading them into the glorious light of Kroger. These chains would eventually all adopt the glorious Kroger's name. In the 70s, the also were the first chain to use an electronic scanner (not for thought control rays, though) and consumer research.

Recently, Kroger has tried a program known as Friendly and Fresh, in which a Kroger employee should at least say hello to gain a customer. It is not enforced by brainwashing the employee at all.

Collaborations[edit | edit source]

Starbucks is in a few Kroger supermarkets, but it's not a big deal. Please do not ask how Starbucks ended up in Kroger stores. In the past, it has also collaborated with Disney on some of its products. This has nothing to do with the myth that Disney is working with Kroger to take over the world.

Services[edit | edit source]

Kroger operates many gas stations in addition to supermarkets. However, they do not decide oil prices, so please do not ask about it. They also have an Internet service, known as i-wireless. Kroger, however, does not track the exact webpages its users use in collaboration with the FBI. Any inquiries regarding the information it collects from i-wireless users will be ignored. One thing they do not make is evil robots. Please do not ask about whether they make evil robots, or why the grass near other grocery stores has been scorched by lasers.

Simple Truth[edit | edit source]

Kroger has a line of organic products under the name Simple Truth. Among the products the brand includes are eggs, milk, and butter, among other things that people inevitably have to purchase (which is mere coincidence and was not done on purpose). The name of the brand was selected to reinforce the fact that Kroger is an honest company and is not hiding anything at all. Furthermore, neither the green packaging nor the organic food products subliminally tell the consumer to continue purchasing Kroger products.

Kroger's Grocery Stores[edit | edit source]

Kroger's grocery stores are wonderful places to shop at. They are so big, but definitely not so big that people get lost and have to live inside them forever. The aisles are covered in gold, and even our employees are prosperous. In addition to standard groceries, Kroger offers the aforementioned Starbucks products, Simple Truth products, fresh bakery products, and magazines dedicated to telling the wondrous story of Kroger's founding and laudable charity work.

Empire Locations[edit | edit source]

Kroger's serves the South and the Midwest east of the Mississippi River, but they have no control over these locations. Do not inquire further on their ownership of these places. Their other locations serve the Southwest, the Northwest, and Washington, DC. The latter is merely a coincidence, though.

We have given you sufficient information. Please go back to staring at the Kroger logo for some unexplainable reason.

See also[edit | edit source]