“Hey, mon! Dis isn't da ganja, mon!”
“I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself ”
Grass was created on a distant moon by an evil wizard to stop people from eating swordfish. No one knows why he did it until he returned, and entered the United States of Great England's comedy show, where the dragons had just gotten pwned like the n00bs they are. After flaming them with the other superior 1337 people, he presented the new grass, which you could eat. Many 3 year olds enjoyed this very much and 29 year old dustbin driver Keith was very excited by this product and put 700 million Canadian dollars into it. It is still unknown how the fuck he got this money. Grass was then controversially put up someones arse and it suddenly became a trend to stick things up your arse.
This became known as grass-arsing. It is still enjoyed today, mostly by the Prime Minister of Denmark and his colleague, Tory Bear, a former Russian spy who was demoted to Prime Minishter of Denmark's college. Grass then went up market when the second sport on the left which is worse than chess was created. Grass then turned a weird green and no one ever brought it again because they found out it stops global warming.
The War on Grass
Being illegal in America from 250 BCE till 1971 CE, Grass was illegal in America because it had been charged of assault at least 2,500 times, but that was to get back at people sitting, whistling, having sex on it, being gay with it, and mowing it with the lawnmower, invented on Jupiter. These conflicts led to more violence, including grass teaming up with gravity and rocks to make people trip and fall. In retaliation, people continued doing whatever they were doing before, except this time trying to prevent poaching in Africa so that zebras could eat the grass instead of being a poached, dead, zebra rug. It eventually evolved into a full-fledged war, with people using nuclear weapons and the grass entrusting their seeds with cockroaches, so that the cockroches could plant the grass after the bombing was over. After the people finally figured out that boming the grass would not work, they decided to sign a peace treaty with the grass, but since the grass did not have hands, they could not sign, and a hippie was required to sign for the grass. There have been reports of grass attacking people over several incidents in the last few years, though the grasses' excuse is that they were not the ones who signed the treaty.
What To Do if You Encounter Grass
If you ever come across a patch of that evil green bug infested plant, try to step around it if possible, but if it isn't possible to walk around it, it is suggested that you walk very carefully and wear protective clothing, kneepads, and goggles, as grass remains allies with gravity, rocks, cockroaches, and nature, and as you may know, nature is evil and wants to kill you, and the only safe place to be is in front of your computer, TV, or playing your Gamecube, Wii, DS, PS2, or DreamCast, but this will not work with Xbox, Xbox360, PS3, or PSP. Older consoles and handheld games (besides the PSP) have varying results. Grass can become vicious and suddenly attack without warning so it is best that you stay the fuck away from it. Lawn mowers are your friend. If you want to help the world out, take some weed killer and thoroughly bury the grass in it. If you don't have that much weedkiller and can't just go out and buy some, make sure you equip your trusty lawn mower. If you don't have one of those either, you're probably just some loser nature boy, but if you are a loser nature boy that feels like being a loser traitor to nature, call on some bobcats or ninja dogs named Bakamaru to pee on the grass or something.
Grass as A Pet
Grass makes a great garden pet as it sits outside protectively while you hole up in your room trying to masturbate. The most common forms of pet grass include:
- Grass is a mostly harmless form of flora found on most continents and suboceanic habitats. This substance provides nutrients to many herbivore animals such as 3 year olds and stegosauri, and plays a significant role in the lives of grubs, moles, barn animals, and mentally ill retards.
- Grass is green.
- Grass will eat your children.
- Grass is allergic to nosehair, emos, and suburbanites.
- Chaza5* is often a good example of Grass
- Grass is always greener on the other side, this baffles scientists even today
- In Communist Russia the grass steps on you.
- Furthermore, in Communist Russia grass writes trivia sections about you.
- Eating Grass is the only known cure for Boom Chicka Wow Wow Syndrome
- Grass is a street name used to refer to the highly addictive drug, jello crystals.
- The rule "don't walk on the grass" is so strict you can't walk on it to save your life.
- The entire universe is contained in a single blade of grass somewhere on earth, and if this blade of grass is ever stepped on or cut, it will destroy everything that is and has ever been.
- Grass secretly wants to kill you, it is reccomended that you avoid it at all costs. It is very dangerous!
- If you walk on grass it will proceed to butt fuck you until you bleed out through your anus.
- Dead grass, while it may appear dead, is actually a form of camouflage. If you see dead grass, it still wants to kill you.
It is of popular belief that grass is more frequently greener on the other side of the fence (meaning the American side), but this is a myth that has been created by the current President of the United States as part of his secret plan to overthrow his own country by flooding it with space illegal aliens (whose main diets consist of grass and infants under five months of age).
Your Pets and Grass
Although most forms of grass are beneficial to the mammalian and amphibian diets, some creatures are grass-intolerant. Many of these creatures are species of domestic house pets, including but not limited to: poodles, golden retrievers, hairless rabid chihuahuas, sphinxes, Vulcans, orangutans, inhabitants of Japanese shit-zoos, Antarcticans, and various ancient Egyptian dieties. Signs of mild grass intolerance are vommiting, profuse mewing and/or barking, spitting, and hairball-ing.Grass when unprovoked; will emit deceiving pharamone designed to stupor the senses of you, or your pets, and lull them into an ignorant desire to releive themselves upon it. This is a mechanism adapted to bring you in amongst it, grass exploits your pets' primal nervous impulses.
Emos and Grass
Many emos have an untamable attraction to grass. A national survey from 2004 shows that 87% of the nation's emos have pet grasses in their homes. "I dunno what it is about grass, JP. Sometimes, I just kinda look at it you know, and everything is alright," says emo kid Willis Crysworthy. "We cut together, and I feel like it understands my pain." The inventor of spiky hair, Dr. Crabbe von Lawne, a known emo, claims that grass was the inspiration for the do: "I vas looking for someting new, you know, I vas just having a very hard time witch everyting. Den one day my [neighbor?] vas out mowing zee grass and she missed un spot under zee tree, and suddenly, voila! I had found zee solution to zee probleem. Nahw peepelz goez around and zey look like beautiful formz of zee natural vorld." Other works, like Pablo Picasso's "Painting of Grass and Dead People in Toledo", have also been inspired by grass, because he is also emo.