Worst round of golf ever witnessed

The infamous head band putting technique

“I will NEVER play Burton Mini again.”

~ Tiger Woods on the worst round of golf ever witnessed

“Well that was a load of shit...”

~ Captain Obvious on the worst round of golf ever witnessed

“Par!”

~ Oscar Wilde on the best round of golf HE'S ever witnessed

The worst round of golf in recorded history occurred at the Mini Golf course in Staffordshire by local Dave Parr. His score was so high, it couldn't be recorded, as Parr exceeded the shot limit on nearly all the holes. His score was later estimated at -39, as he threatened to beat up the course owner with a lofting wedge. This, however, was not as threatening as his brother's promise to play mini-golf off the owner's head. In fact, Parr took so long to complete the course, that his caddy, who was 3 years old when Parr began the course, was eligible for a driver's licence when Parr completed the course. It is also interesting to note that Parr is the heaviest golfer to compete on the course, although his exact weight could not be recorded, as his extreme size and lack of mobility prevented the use of a scale.

Hole 1

Parr began the course by turning convention on its head; playing his tee shot with a driver. The ball landed 381 yards away in a stream, where it floated away, never to be seen again. Parr was ordered to play his next shot from the banks of the River Dee, and was not impressed. However, he had packed his water wedge, made only the previous day from shampoo bottles, straws and post-it notes. It took him 68 strokes to get the ball in the hole, 6 of which were spent navigating the ball over a pile of cow feces.

Hole 2

The approach to the 7th Hole contains a small water hazzard, and the woods on the right are home to a small family of Gypsies.

For the 2nd hole, Parr had to play the easiest hole of the course, a 12-yard hole with no obstacles. Despite this Parr whipped out his sand wedge. With a hefty swing, Parr managed to loft the ball over three housing estates, and the nearby M6.

The ball was found 3 days later, embedded in the forehead of a 94-year-old grandmother named Biddy. Parr demanded a mulligan on this hole, threatening to blow up the course. With his second shot Parr managed a once in a lifetime feat for him, of hitting it straight. Despite this, he planted a C4 explosive in the back of a nearby golf buggy, destroying the hole, and 70% of the local wildlife.

Hole 3

Determined not to be beaten by his previous antics, Parr faced the next hole, a tough one with many obstacles. However, Parr pulled off an extraordinary stroke of luck, hitting the ball over a ramp, an old woman's dentures and a moat, before the ball rattled in the hole. Parr celebrated so vigorously, that his improvised water wedge became lodged inside his rectum.

His caddy tried to get it out with a coat-hanger, but this only became tangled in as well. Eventually, after 2 hours of gruelling surgery, it was still wedged up there in an awkward position. Parr sued the course owner, but his case was dismissed. It is believed he will try again, this time with amended evidence (at his first hearing, his only evidence was a coat-hanger).

Hole 4

The last thing Biddy saw before having a ball embedded in her forehead

Parr at this time suffering from snow-blindness, ignored the signs to the 4th hole, and wandered onto the central reservation of the nearby Burton-Derby intersection. After being hit by two 18-wheelers and a solar powered tricycle, Parr returned to the course. Undeterred Parr teed off on the 4th hole this time using a putter on the 300 yard hole, luckily for Parr, a gale-force wind took the ball 250 yards. Parr, now using his white stick (to help for his blindness) as a makeshift snooker cue, played 78 shots to get to the green. However once on the green, the clock had struck 2 in the morning. At this point Parr (with help from his 3 year old caddy named Tyrone) put up his My First Tent from the Early Learning Centre, and set up camp on the green.

By the time Parr awoke, he found 7 other golfers playing around his tent. Upon seeing this, Parr unleashed his camping stove, and cooked 41 English breakfasts, 22 crossaints and 17 waffles. At 11:46 the following morning Parr finally finished the hole, with 85 shots.

Hole 5

Parr was obviously tired from his marathon 4th hole, but even by his standards his new antics were unprecedented. On a 6-yard hole, with only a rotating saw blade as an obstacle, his caddy Tyrone recommended he play the shot with a left-handed 3-wood. Foolishly, he did this, clouting the ball through an old lady's window.

The ball ripped through the bedroom and destroyed several ornaments, including her Pol Pot replica mask. The total damage was estimated at £250,000. Parr was not happy, and ordered a mulligan, which was denied. Parr then had to play the shot from inside the house, where it had become stuck under the fridge.

Parr unleashed his fridge wedge for this shot, but only succeeded in smashing the fridge to pieces. Some of the pieces were found nearly 30 metres away. Parr was then taken to the police station, where he remained for a night. He returned to the hole, only to find that a monkey had eaten his ball. A mulligan was granted due to a lost ball. Parr then completed the hole in 342 shots, breaking a lighthouse in the process.

Hole 6

Still furious, Parr sacked his caddy. Unfortunately, he was do to even worse without one, setting a course record for longest time and most shots to complete a hole. It all appeared to be going well at first on the 231-yard hole.

He played the dream tee shot, albeit with a pitching wedge, lofting the ball straight onto the green. His next shot however, let him down. Only 4 feet from the hole, he mis-hit the ball with his 7-wood, causing the ball to go into a bunker. He spent the next 6 hours trying to putt the ball out. By the time he had finished, most of the sand had ended up on the green, much to the fury of the course-owner.

One particular attempt resulted in sand getting in Parr's eye, causing him to topple over onto the ball, incurring a 3-stroke penalty. He then went to the streets of Derby to find a new caddy - he did, a tramp from the street. The tramp said he had to use a sand wedge. He did this, and was amazed as the ball rolled on the green. From here he faced a 12-foot putt, which he converted, although only because his caddy knocked it in.

Hole 7

Parr was feeling fairly confident about this hole, as it was almost completely straight. However, this didn't stop him hitting his tee shot at an angle of 158 degrees, causing him to look around for the ball for two hours, mystified.

Unbelievably, the ball was found in the gullet of a pheasant. He tried to club the pheasant to death, but missed, hitting his caddy. His caddy then resigned, causing him to re-appoint Tyrone. This instantly paid dividends, as his next shot was also skewed wide, but the unbelievable headband putter technique generated backspin, which caused the ball to bounce of the out of bounds post, a pensioner and a marker into the hole. He jumped up and down celebrating, causing the ball to hatch into something that resembled a gorilla, and Michael Jackson. Disappointed, Parr played the hole with the real ball - taking over 70 shots to do so.

Hole 8

Golf can be a dangerous business, care should be taken at all times.

Tyrone, now newly wedded to his wife Arabella, was on his honeymoon when Parr took his tee shot on the 8th leaving him without his trusty caddy. This didn't deter Parr as he took out his trusted 2 iron. However he forgot to pull the club out of his bag before using it. The resulting effect was surprising as the ball nearly went in a straight line.

Unfortunately for Parr the ball flew in a straight line backwards and into his rib cage rupturing his spleen. 34 hours of internal bleeding later Parr was surpised to find his ball on a mole hill leaving him an easy shot to the hole. Parr had the worst of luck though because Tyrone had run off with his mole hill hybrid utility wood leaving him a very difficult two iron shot. On the 10th attempt Parr played an superb shot leaving him centremetres from the hole. The mole who had now lost his home and seven of his brothers had other ideas, taking the ball to 20 feet away in which Parr needed a further 25 shots to complete the hole.

Hole 9

Parr demonstrated his wide variety of clubs by teeing off with a frying pan. With an almighty swing, he whacked the ball into the base of a tree, screaming "YER BEAUTYYYYYY!" a la Andy Gray. However, he did not know that the ball was to rebound back hitting his knee, sending him into fits of pain screaming "AIB!!". Foolishly, he picked up the ball and put it on the tee, incurring a 2-stroke penalty. Parr swung his club about in anger, creating large divots; however, while doing this, he smacked the ball 67 feet into the air, breaking the highest drive record in the process. Unfortunately, the ball landed on his head, knocking him out for 2 hours. The unlucky Parr chose to play the next shot using a toaster, but he remembered that he had left some toast in it, so he decided on using a microwave. Sometime the next afternoon, Parr finished the hole, playing an unbelievable 1957 shots.

Hole 10

Parr now well over par (Yes, pun intended!) decided to go back to the more conventional way of playing miniature golf by taking his tee shot with his putter. Hole 10 was an easy straight putt into a pipe that would automatically get your ball into the hole. Despite this Parr opened up the club face and attempted a flop shot onto the green. Thinning the shot however Parr hit the ball into inner city Birmingham into the middle of the Ugandan community. 5 weeks later when Parr found his ball, it had been stolen by a group of Ugandan chavs demanding all his ‘monies’ for the ball back. After threatening them by singing the infamous football chant, ‘Your going home in a ****ing ambulance,’ Parr retrieved his ball and took a penalty drop allowing him to take his next shot from Lands End. His final score for this hole was 367.

Hole 11

Having gone without food for several days, Parr stopped at a nearby cafe, ordering a bacon butty and a cup of Bovril. However, all his monies had been stolen by the Ugandan chavs, so Parr ate his food then ran away. Unfortunately, by the time he got to the course, he had a stitch, collapsing by the 11th hole. He was caught easily by the cafe's bodyguard, Eric the Dwarf, who threw him into a nearby rubbish tip. Parr emerged an hour later, covered in rubbish, and wandered over to the 11th hole. However, local residents complained about the smell, so Parr caught a train to his home in Aberfeldy. By the time he got back, it was night-fall, but luckily, Parr brought his torch from the Early Learning Centre. Unfortunately, the torch wasn't bright enough to allow Parr to see what club he was playing, causing him to play a straightforward putt with an Israeli firearm. In these conditions, Parr had no hope of finding the ball, so he decided he'd sleep in his handy tent. However, because his caddy Tyrone wasn't there to help him, he erected it upside-down. Sometime the next morning, he found the ball hadn't actually moved. From here, Parr played 13 shots to get the hole (unlucky for some).

Hole 12

After the disappointment of the last hole, everybody thought Parr would be relieved at the return of his widely respected caddy Tyrone, but were shocked when Parr snatched his mole hill hybrid utility wood off Tyrone and beat him half to death before strangling him with the famed tank-top. Rumours were being spread all around the course about who Dave would replace Tyrone with, but nobody could have expected the hiring of Parr's nemesis, the mole from Hole 8. Although the two had their differences, the mole said he had no hard feelings towards Parr. At the tee, the easiest hole in the whole course, all he had to do was pick the ball up and drop it onto the slide which would automatically place the ball in the hole. However, The Mole felt a sudden gust of wind approaching, and decided the best way to approach the shot was using the driver to hit the ball towards the English channel, to which Parr duly obliged, however the wind never came. Although Dave Parr's fan club were calling for The Mole to be sacked, Dave blamed it on "unpredictable British weather". After 1084 shots, The Mole went for a toilet break. When he emerged from the toilet two minutes later, Dave Parr had finished the hole with a lovely shot from 79m, which hit a tree, a car, Eric the Dwarf, and Ron Atkinson's lost career before landing in the hole. Parr said The Mole was always with him on the last shot in "moral support".

Hole 13

After viewing action replays it was clear to see that it was not in fact, Big Dave Parr who beat Tyrone half to death but in fact, the Celtic fan that brutally waved his hand near Brazilian goalkeeper Dida's face which required 7 straight weeks of plastic surgery to fix. After this mixup Tyrone joined up with Parr for the 13th hole, the mole was sacked in the morning. The hole started absolutely disastrously for Dave Parr. His caddy instructed him to use a 6-iron - Parr however, used a household iron from his mother's house in Penzance. Not surprisingly, the ball didn't travel very far, landing just 0.53 metres away, and melting most of the felt around the course in the process, much to the owner's dismay. The next shot was also poor. He smacked the ball into a car park, denting the bonnet of a car. He then had a take a drop - he succeeded only in dropping the ball in the exhaust pipe, jamming the engine. The AA were called, and an official complaint was made to the course owner, a certain Mr. Jeff Stelling.

Hole 14

The next hole was the old classic; the windmill hole. After watching some mini golf DVDs, Parr was pretty certain that this hole was in the bag. He set up for his tee shot waiting for the perfect timing. Parr took his shot and hit an absolute beauty of a shot. However this took nearly 7 weeks so Tyrone decided to fiddle with the mechanics of the windmill causing it to break down and trap Parr's ball under it. The infuriated Parr took all his anger out on a pigeon using his 7 wood. When Parr got round to playing his shot he used a rather punchy swing with a garden rake. 35 shots later Parr managed to hit the ball out from under the windmill within a metre of the hole. On exiting the windmill he was pelted with conkers causing him to swear and writhe around the floor in pain. At this point his water wedge became dislodged from his rectum and tapped the ball into the hole along with his 3 year old turd, that had remained up there ever since the terrible water wedge accident, incurring a 5 shot penalty. The rules of golf are very anal!

Hole 15

Nearly getting to the end of his round, Parr decided a celebration was in order getting absolutely wasted on Tesco value champagne. This made Parr decide to tee off from the bottom of the Pacific Ocean wearing his 'make your own diving suit' and by attaching weights to his newly returned water wedge turning it into the underwater wedge. Not surprisingly he hit his first shot in the drink. He also hit his 3rd, 5th and 7th in the drink until he finally passed out. When he was revived he decided to take a drop back onto the proper tee for the 15th hole. his next shot was a horrific slice with his headband putter which deflected off a manhole and into someone's pint. Using his underwater wedge he scooped the ball out leaving him a difficult putt for par which he chipped in using his garden rake.

Hole 16

Still with a hangover, Parr started the 16th hole. Surprisingly he hit the ball superbly (probably something about a double negative making a positive). After perfectly positioned over the bridge on the 16th hole Parr was left with an easy shot for albatross. Unfortunately his stomach erupted causing projectile vomiting to send his ball to Glastonbury where he met a group of hippies. Deciding it would be best to recover from his hangover Parr lived on lental soup for 50 days before playing his 25th shot after incurring a penalty for vomiting on the ball. Now that Tyrone was in a young offenders institute Parr was without his clubs. This didn't worry Parr as he made a makeshift club out of a brick and a piece of string. With a huge swing and the help of a 53 mph tail wind a boeing 747 and the soul of Mohatma Gandhi the ball landed onto the green. By the time Parr got back Tyrone had returned with an ASBO and more importantly his clubs. Which enabled Parr to finish off the hole using his favoured 7-wood.

Hole 17

Parr who was now deeply depressed and realised he was never going to make it as a professional, hired himself a phsychiatrist called Robert van Prugelstrafen. Prugelstrafen advised Parr that he was raising his head during the shot and should play blindfolded to prevent this from happening. Despite this expert advice Parr took 63 air shots by flapping around, gouging out the eyes of 6 sheep and his physichiatrist who instantly fled the country screaming "WO IST MEIN HANDY". Tyrone advised that the best way to play this 1 foot hole would be to gently tap the ball in with his putter which took him a further 3 shots.

Hole 18

Thankfully the 19th hole was out of action during Parr's round

At last the end was in sight for Parr. Unfortunately he began the hole by making a rookie error - he failed to spot the booby-trap, which led him into a secret dungeon. In the dungeon, he was confronted by an old woman who wouldn't let him out unless he answered her impossible quiz. Questions included: "Is this the way to Amarillo?", "What is the genitive plural of idem?" and "How much gold can you hold in an elephant's ear."

However, this was not it. He was required to play Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto. This particular arragement required 3 grand pianos - all Parr had was a Casio keyboard. He played the bass clef, yet even this required 2 hands and his left foot. Finally, after 36 gruelling hours, he was let out, completing the hole in 62 shots, and getting hammered on Scotch whiskies at the clubhouse.

Parr's arch-nemesis, The Mole, is on the run from the police after being named the number 1 suspect for setting the booby-trap.