David Carradine
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David Carradine was a lifeform that did not require oxygen to survive, making him subject to a litany of invasive medical experiments as a young boy, as a result of which we now know what the trachea is for. This is why he got into acting as it was the only way to drown out muffled screams from adjacent sleep-pods during childhood. David Carradine is primarily famous for his role in Kill Bill and incidentally for his ability to kill himself by mistake.
Acting Career[edit | edit source]
David Carradine's acting career is long and storied, but unfortunately the bits that are long are not storied and the bits that are storied don't exist. He was generally seen by his peers as the 'loser' of the group and journalists often spotted pictures of him crying in the corner at the Oscars every year. This made him very sensitive and emotional and he rarely went outside unless he was soliciting for kinky sex from KrystalXxX, which he has assured people is her legitimate birthname.
David Carradine played up to his 'outsider' status in Kill Bill by being the primary antagonist who murders an entire wedding reception for his own personal amusement. Quentin Tarantino knew David Carradine was perfect for the role because he had in fact murdered an entire wedding reception many years earlier as his first blooding during the experiments performed on him as a child, from which he gained several superpowers.
David Carradine was certainly a prolific actor - that much can be said. However, quality and quantity are not the same thing. Carradine was once asked in an interview if he felt his work's quality had suffered in his later career and he simply replied "quantity has a quality all of its own maaaan."
Respiratory System[edit | edit source]
David Carradine's brutal upbringing was the result of the unusual mutation in his DNA that means he does not require oxygen for cells' mitochondria to operate normally. This means he was trained to do many roles as a child, the most important one being a professional assassin, one of the other reasons Quentin Tarantino knew he'd be perfect for a movie about swordplay. Rather than respire using oxygen, David Carradine instead subsisted on a diet of nitrous oxide gas pumped into him. This is why he could often be heard maniacally laughing after completing a hit on one of his targets.
During the extensive experimentation on him as a child he also gained several superpowers, one of which being the ability to fly, but only downwards, so he had to climb up Mount Everest before every mission by foot. He could also levitate small objects with his mind, though this was only really useful for when he did "The Amazing David" shows in dilapidated hillbilly fairgrounds as it only worked with raisins and low-fat crackers.
David Carradine's biggest strength was ironically what led to his tragic downfall. David Carradine was perfectly happy one day masturbating in a clothing receptacle, as one does. As he was almost ready to relieve himself, a cat burst through the window at terrifying flight speeds, claws deployed, directly onto his male member, mistaking it for a mouse's tail. David Carradine recoiled in horror and screamed with pain, accidentally tripping on the nitrous oxide machine's pump. The cable was shredded beyond repair and he had no redundancies in place. He desperately tried to make himself look less silly in death but passed out before he could make any meaningful attempt. However, he did experience sobriety for the first time in his life.