French Foreign Legion

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Foreign legion 025.jpg


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to French Foreign Legion.

The French Foreign Legion is a second best, dead end military battalion of foreigners becouse the actual French Army are more suited to surrendering (The Kepi Blanc represents bog rolls to wipe the French arses during a war). The French Foreign Legion are sent to do tours of duty in places no one cares about just so that the French government has one less citizen to provide adequate food for (see socialism). However, due in recent years, due to actual ass kicking of poorly trained Al-Qaeda terrorists in Iraq, [1] the FFL has gained a level of worldwide respect equivalent to that of the Dalai Lama's covert ops 'anti China' missions.

In other words, they do shit, but still piss off a specific group of people enough to gain a smidgeon of respect from world leaders.

Current organisation

The legion has be dragged down to the same low standards of the French Army with less money less equipment less ammunition and more ball s*!t believe what you want any idiot can do it. that's why its full of eastern europeans looking for money and non europeans looking for passports. It's all hyped up with all their "hardcore" training and selection. They are operating with outdated tactics. There are a lot but france in general seems to have a huge and expanding north African and Arab population most of the African people are from countries where French is a second language, there has been quite a few South Africans coming in.

They are well looked after in terms of accomodation, but their kit was no better (in fact, worse), their pay was worse (who'd have thought that was possible) and they got *ucked around just as much, if not more, than any others. They don't do more ops than the British and they didn't seem to have the same standard of supporting arms the British do.

The bulshit that the British and everyone else no longer do is still full on with these clowns, painted rocks et al. As the British put up bashers etc in woods on training area, The Legionnaires started putting up tents. They had 2 rows of proper old style tents put up in hollow square rows of white painted rocks marking out the square and did lots of screaming and shouting. They march like they have a concrete c*ck inserted in there arses as well!. How many ironed creases do you need in a shirt? No not just 1 in each arm, they have 6 down the front 2 on each arm and about a dozen down the back.

Biggest complaint from their Toms was the Officers/SNCO being rubbish!


Early History

The French Foreign Legion was founded in the year 16.25 by the Romans, who, using the Oracle of Delphi to research the Akashic Records, determined that 'France' would be a future country and thus needed a long range defense force once Rome fell. Thus, that's why French is a fucking romance language and not German, (which is ugly, guttural, and sounds like you're choking on a chicken bone every time you say something with either h, i, l, j, k, e, or o).

The people who were actually in the original FFL are unknown, however by 1625, 1024.75 years later, the FFL made themselves known by butchering some obscure Prussian king and carting off cartloads of German Relics, thus this is why three hundred years later, the Germans sacked French museums and sprayed silly string all over famous French statues during sillynaucght in 1939.

A couple decades later, as English cannons drew near Paris, the FFL, which was ucrrently partying in the Vatican because the pope had discovered the wonders of Absolut Voka, power walked 700 miles to the defense of Paris. They lost horribly, and it took a year for the real French military to retake the city, but they still made a 'last stand' that looks cool in Age of Empires, but is shitty in real life.

In Between Times

During the three centuries between the sack of Prussia, and WWII, the FFL mainly specialized in buying and selling psychedelic drugs from China and then trading it for Aztec Whores, (who are totally hot when covered in blood as pyramid sacrifices by the way) until the Pope went to AA meeting, got sober, and told them to stop or be condemned to hell. They stopped, and nothing else happened from 1899 to 1941.

WWII breaks out

In this time of horrific crises, the FFL fought for two seconds, then went underground to party and be guerilla fighters, which were 'cool' at the time. Once again, the real Militaire De France had to intervene and also ended up underground because French bolt action rifles suck.

After liberation by the boys in blue. Or is it boys in red, I can't remember, wtfomglolzorsshit who cares let's go on. The FFL dutifully joined the United Nations to compete with Kenya, which actually had a better Foreign Legion even with half their country starving.

So why not just join your own countrys Army?

  • Restructuring and Cutbacks (A fair point, the FFL was heaving with Brits for this reason in the 1980s)
  • Its like the Army, but somthing else, which makes it tempting
  • The near-instant application process (simply by walking through the gates)
  • You actually serve for the Legion, rather than patriotism
  • You prefer something nailsy
  • Disturbingly, you think the French are sexy and romantic
  • You get to sing like Frank Sinatra
  • You got the knock because your own countrys is too good for you

Regiments of de la Legion Etrangere






The Truth

The FFL are dispensable, very old school military. After you sign the dotted line, they own you for the next 5 years. Mobile phones and cars along with any other item that could help you leave the legion within the first 5 years are banned. If you want to get married must reach a certain rank and ask permission from your superiors. Breaking the rules can lead to beatings and jail time or both. The pay is pretty shit, unless you are serving in the Demi Brigade, or the REP. However they don't have to pay for meals and accommodation. The day you walk in is the day you begin.

If you are intending to join the French Foreign Legion, firstly read the recently published book, 'Marching with the Devil'. It is written by an Australian who after graduating from Law school joined the Legion in search for an adventure. He spent his five years in the Legion in the late 80's, but its quite eye opening. He slanders the Legion openly as a poorly trained, poorly disciplined, selfish, yet arrogant outfit. He portrays the Legion as an anarchic, disordlery group of weirdos who are only looking out for themself, and strive to avoid all responsability.

Having said that, a lot may have changed since. He does in the epilogue though, state that he knows for a fact due to talking with both current and recently ex-legionaires that it still has many of its terrible traits. And that like the his time in the Legion, the Legion still puts more effort into maintaining their proud image than actually doing the training to support the legend.


  1. Yes, the French are in Iraq, if only to steal American Humvees and resell them to Russia, whose cars suck by the way.