Angertar
“I once knew a guy who could play the angertar. HE DIED.”
“I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about, man. Get away from me.”
The Angertar (called an 'AAAAAH FUCK' by players) is an instrument created in the year 2006 BC by the Holy Prophet, John of Kansas. It's wicked-cool grooves are fueled by pure anger, and only the most aggressive and attractive people can play it with any success. As such, most people screw it right up, though some have mastered it's complexities. Notable Angertarists include Wolverine, Bizarro Jesus (only on weekends) and, of course, John himself.
How to play[edit | edit source]
To play an angertar, first you have to get yourself really pumped. Like, ninja pumped. Without the flipping out and killing though, cause, like, the flipping out and killing? You do it later. Anyway, once you're feeling really pumped, and have enough energy, stamina and motivation to take over the whole Goddamn world, you hold your angertar aloft, take the amp lead, and stab it directly into your arm. Coupled with your pumped-ness this should create enough anger, that, upon plucking a single string, the angertar will send awesome grooves through the amp lead, into your body, and out your very pores, and everyone will be all "Woooooah". If not, go back to square one and start again or, alternatively, cry yourself to sleep because of your crippling failure at life.
If you decide to solo with your angertar, instead of just playing rhythm in a nu metal band, you are guaranteed to scare the ever-loving crap out of everyone. They'll find your licks irresistible though, and stick around anyway, but they usually hide a lot. During the solo, the only words an angetarist can say are 'AAAAAAAAH FUCK'. When the solo ends, the angertarist can either keep playing rhythm, or unplug himself and cool off. Mountain Dew is critical to the cooling off stage, and has led to a special angertarist-only blend of Mountain Dew, named 'GIMMEAFUCKINDEW'. It contains more heroin than any other known substance on Earth, yet seems to have little effect on angertarists. They prefer normal 'Dew.
While an angertarist cools down, anyone who attempts to speak to them will get a response of 'sayonemorewordtomeandi'llfuckingkillyou'. This phrase, common among all angertarists, has become the name of the angertar soloing genre, and has formed many derivatives (the most heinous being, of course, sayonemorewordtomeandi'llfuckingkillyou-jazz-fusion'). It is commonly accepted, however, that none of these derivative genres have the true passion of real sayonemorewordtomeandi'llfuckingkillyou, and are only liked by a select group of people (the angertarist responsible for the genre, and their friends).
Beyond it's newer mean, 'sayonemorewordtomeandi'llfuckingkillyou' is also a warning, and if the warning provided by the angertarist is ignored, and a person tries to talk to them again, the person may spontaneously combust, or, depending on the angertarist's mojo level, turn into stone. Many angertarists refuse this traditional magic approach to murder, however, and instead prefer to delimb and disembowel unwary and ignorant fans.
How it works[edit | edit source]
The angertar channels your anger through the amp lead, into the angertar, back into your body and out through your pores. It uses your lungs and appendix as amps, and the bigger the appendix, the more rightous the sound (\m/). It is for this reason, many angertarists refuse to have their apendixes removed even when it threatens their lives and looks all disgusting and bloated and shows visibly through their skin. They need the grooves man. It's like... like a drug. They just gotta have it.
How the angertar draws your anger is unknown, though, and when asked about it John of Kansas was only known to ever answer with "It's like... fucken... err... MAGIC, maaaan". Scientists to this day do not understand the concept of magic, but many Wiccans are cool with it, and have made other instruments like the angertar, most notably the chilledoutcello and the highasafuckingkitedrums. Scientists are secretly jealous, but they don't show it in front of their friends, and instead produce inferior clones, like the slightlypeevedtar. This instrument only produces a tiny ding, and people who use it are generally regarded as pussies.
Notable angertarists[edit | edit source]
- John of Kansas
- Wolverine
- Pope John Paul II
- Original Jesus - only on weekdays
- Bizarro Jesus - only on weekends
- Walt Whitman
- Mr T
- Roseanne
- The Hulk - famously smashed his angertar during Woodstock 99, and continued to make awesome grooves with the sheer power of his anger and lungs (The Hulk, of course, has no appendix, so his inclusion here is even more noteworthy)
Angertar models[edit | edit source]
There are only three models of angertar available, two of which were designed while driving by John of Kansas. The first, 'Stangertar', is the standard angertar, and produces the most commonly known sound. It's made out of equal parts wood and magic, and has strings made out of fine horse-sinew. Many have questioned John's choice in using sinew over more traditional materials like horse hair, but aren't game enough to ask the guy because he plays angertar 24/6 (Sunday is his day off). When asked on a Sunday, John usually shrugs and gives a non-committal answer like "..err... Divine Intervention". As Divine Intervention was discovered only after Original Jesus' birth, this answer is perceived as a copout.
The second model, the 'Manglertar', is an even more aggressive version of the Stangertar, and works by physically slicing off your arm and connecting to an exposed vein to siphon your anger. Most people only get the chance to play this instrument twice, though Bizarro Jesus and Original Jesus, with their limb-regrowing skills, have released dozens of albums worth of Manglertar material, which is all greedily snapped up by a rabid fanbase. Wolverine has also released a few Manglertar albums, but says the act of regrowing arms take too long in his case, and is "fucking tiring". Upon hearing this, many write Wolverine off as being a pussy and suggest he take up slightlypeevedtar. Reportedly, Wolverine dies a little inside each time he hears this.
The final model, the Angertar Pro, was released in the year 2000 by Ibanez. It has seven strings instead of the usual 46, and has two amp leads, presumably for 'double the anger'. It has proved an inferior choice to the original, however, and was only taken up briefly by the nu metal band Linkin Park, who thought it would make them seem edgier. It didn't.