Dog
Dogs (or cavelines) are animals, physically similar to wolves and foxes. They are hairy, have four dumb legs and- SHUT UP SPARKY, YOU STUPID ANIMAL I'M TRYING TO TYPE! They have faces, much like humans do, only uglier, much uglier, and much more punchable too. They serve many functions as pets, such as to eat and eat and never give anything back.
Dogs are the reigning, dominant species on Earth, a fact manifested by their uncanny ability to force their humans to pick up their biological leavings from the street while the dog supervises. They also enslave people by making them willingly buy expensive 60-lb. bags of designer food, cookie treats shaped like poodles and mailmen,[1], and then pay out-of-pocket. WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!? BAD DOG!! GET OUT!! Anyway, basically they're assholes.
Why they're so Stupid
Dogs (or Canis inferioris to use the Latin) are one of the more intelligent animals on Earth. However, since animals are generally less intelligent than children and idiots, Dogs really aren't that clever at all.
I have a dog myself for example, a really stupid one. Not that I wanted one you understand, the wife insisted. I always used to say; "Jane, I don't want a dog, they're annoying, they just get hairs everywhere and you have to walk them all the time, what's the point of that?" But she didn't listen, she never did. She just kept saying, "either you give me a kid, or we get a dog, it's one or the other Barry." So I just went all quiet and sulked, hoping she'd see how sad I was and change her mind. She didn't, of course, she never changed her mind about anything. Jane never cared about me or my feelings, she treated me like... well, a dog.
Anyway, dogs. So yeah, we went down to the dog rescue place. There were all these scraggly, demented-looking things staring back at us. It was like being in a mad scientist's lair, filled with failed experiments and crimes against nature. Jane picked this really ugly one, and straight away from it's sad, vulnerable expression I could tell it was a needy son of a bitch. NO SPARKY, GET DOWN. I'M NOT GOING TO FEED YOU. Damn Dog always wants food. GO AND CATCH A BIRD OR SOMETHING. See what I mean? Needy.
Redeemable Uses
Studies have shown that dogs do have several redeemable uses. This might be the reason why people acquire the animal as a "pet", ignoring the warnings found on this site. The following is a list containing the most common ways to make use of dogs:
- Guard dogs. It's one of the two most common reasons that women want a dog. (The other being the fact they distract the husband while they are stealing his food.) If a bad guy knows there's a big dog in the house he's more inclined to rob and accidentally kill the dogless neighbor. This is fine with you, and the dog gets rewarded when you find out about the carnage next door. Good dog, good baby.
- Chasing squirrels. This gives you hours of viewing enjoyment.
- Guide dogs for the deaf. It's considered a useful waste of time to try to teach dogs sign language in order that they may be of some minor use to deaf people. This attempt was captured in the children's film "Run! Lassie's Gone Rabid!":
- "Hey dad! Look, it's Lassie. I think she's trying to tell us something. What's she saying, Dad?"
- "Looks kinda like "Woof!" to me, son."
- Telemarketers. Dogs have become smart enough to start speaking English on their own, in fact huskies are well known for picking up English speaking skills just to get into arguments with humans about things like food and baths. Fortunately, this just might be the beginning of the end for telemarketing.
Little Known Dog-Related Hazards
Should you somehow end up with the responsibility for a dog, it's important to know the common hazards of dogcare. Though they are many and difficult to grasp, it might result in much pain for you and your pet, should they be ignored.
Parvo is a deadly disease which dogs contract from other dogs shit. They soon start vomiting a lot, while trying to target your fancy carpet. If they aren't brought to the vet, they soon die, and will leave you with a dog corpse. If the dog is alive, you have to feed the dog yourself, and it will be tough, since the dog will not cooperate and will be an ungrateful little shit.
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Rabies is a symbolite which benefits humans when it reaches them. it spreads through biting and other things like that. it also comes from skunks, rats, and other intelligent species.
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Why They're so Stupid (2)
A lot of people will tell you that a dog is a man's best friend. Bullshit. A dog? My friend? I wouldn't be seen dead with anyone who shits all over the lawn and randomly attacks passers by without provocation. I hate the things. DO YOU HEAR THAT SPARKY? I HATE YOUR GUTS! DON'T GIVE ME THOSE INNOCENT EYES, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE. God I hate him. Jane loved him though. She paid more attention to that retarded creature than she did to me. She always used to complain when I forgot to walk it. How's that my fault? You have to do it like everyday, of course I'm going to forget every now and then. Just like I used to forget our anniversary sometimes. OH GOD JANE, I'M SO SORRY!! Yeah Jane spoiled Sparky. It pissed me off so much when she was so nice to him - always letting it eat from the table and sleep in our bed. It's not a human! It's not meant to sleep in a bed! Especially not with us! AND YOU WONDER WHY WE NEVER HAD SEX!! SHUT UP SPARKY I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU.
None of that now though, not now she's gone. Sparky sleeps in the back yard, where he belongs - because he's an animal, not a person. He doesn't have a bed or basket or even a kennel. He sleeps outside, like lesser life forms are meant to. I always used to tell Jane that this was just the order of things, how it's meant to be. She just told me to shut up, and then lavished all her attention on the dog, apologising for me and nursing its wounds.
Different Types, Different Levels of Fame
There are literally dozens of different kinds of dogs. Man has been playing Dr. Frankenstein with the size, shape and temperament of the wolf for centuries, for no appreciable reason other than to prove that they can. Here is a comprehensive list of breeds, complete with an informative and enlightening summary of the dog's most salient characteristics.
Stupid Dogs
- Poodles - Poodles, widely maligned for the aggressivness of the breed, are merely insanely happy yet stubborn dogs. Plus, most poodles are simply gay. However do take care, as standard poodles which aren't into hair curlers and pompom tails will easily have your arm off instead.
- Dalmatians - Dalmatians are actually very bright dogs. As such, they enjoy a wide range of activities, including discussing the works of Shakespeare in bark and setting political rivals running with bones. Yet, like all other dogs, they are not above eating grass, rolling in shit, and either licking their genitalia or having their genitalia licked by their willing owners.
- Samoyed - Large, fluffy, and white, this dog is actually a polar bear in a clever dog disguise. Unfortunately, most of them are too stupid to realize this and spend their time slobbering and making fun of huskies, whom they claim are "Girlie Dogs." Their owners wonder why they like to chase seals.
- Pitbullshit Terrier - A cross breed between Bull Terriers and Politicians, known for a loud bark and tiny brain, and for eating its own feces.
Not-So Stupid Dogs
- German Shepherd - Otherwise known as Inspector Rex, it's a qualified detective dog with the added talent of barking in German with an Austrian accent. Can be used to herd things around the yard, if you're into that.
- St. Bernard - It can bring you drinks but has trouble with the pretzels.
- Pekingese - Bred for their powers in oratory, as well as their compact microwavable size.
- Tamagotchi - Required for witty dinner-party repartee and social eloquence.
- Bulldog - Knows enough to keep out of the rain, but not enough to not eat its own sneezes.
- Doge - Can talk in broken English, but can't escape fame.
Moderately Clever Dogs (by individual)
- Lassie - Actually comes home.
- The Littlest Hobo - Has no fixed address to come home to, but still manages to be Canada's Lassie equivalent.
- Toto - Knew about the shoe clicking thing all along, just liked the long walk.
- Beethoven - Possibly the cleverest and most evil movie dog. Loves sloppy seconds and animated cats.
Nondescript
- Generic Dog - You are probably familiar with this breed and have read an article about it on Wikipedia.
Why They're so Stupid (3)
Dogs come in all shapes and sizes, from big, small, medium sized etc. etc. Those little yappy dogs that lonely old women have are the worst. And the big ones, they're the worst too. Some dogs are strong, others are nimble. It doesn't matter how nimble they are though because the bastards are always in the way. Sparky just stands there like a mentally challenged statue while you're rushing around, trying to do something important. Then I always bump into him, which makes him yelp loudly. God how I hate his yelp. It goes through me like fingernails on a blackboard. Jane used to tell me off for doing this, but it serves him right for being such an ugly wimp. If you're going to stand in the way, people are going to bump into you. "You should be more careful" she used to say. Careful? I'm in a hurry here, dominant species have a lot to do! But like I said, now that she's gone I can just barge into him whenever I want. It's the best way to get him to move. To tell you the truth, I'm glad she's gone, it means humans are the dominant species in the house again. The way it should be. Yeah, things are better now. OH JANE, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!
Offspring
When young dogs (or "puppies", as they are sometimes mockingly referred to) are brought together in groups of 10 or more and placed in a blanketed cardboard box, they create happiness in females and small children who enjoy being licked in the face by the pups despite the fact that they've been eating their own brown droppings and licking their genitalia. Though they are cute, they cannot be trained away from their natural killer instinct, and only two or three emerge from the cardboard box to roam free. They are very powerful beings because they can't control their strength, and could betray your trust at any time, that is of course, if you trust them.
Diet
Dogs are too stupid to understand basic concepts like "hungry" and "full", and will pretty much just eat at every opportunity. They also like eating random stuff that isn't even food, like vomit and faeces and their own vomit and faeces, often in profuse quantities, and when being told countless times not to do so.
Suicidal dogs eat chocolate, a very unhealthy food for a canine. After chocolate consumption, they will become temporarily energetic, and with a high enough dose, they will never return from the crash! Very good for making your outside dog an inside dog. When using this training technique, you may want to take your dog to the taxidermist.
For other dogs, the cheaper brands of dog food in most developed countries contain the bodies of dogs and horses. In undeveloped countries... you don't want to know.
Why They're so Stupid (4)
I could hit Sparky over the head with a 60lb bag of dog food[2] and he'd still want my dinner. There's this thing I do that's really funny - I pretend to give him his dinner but I really don't, I just shake the bag a bit. It's so funny, he starts licking his plate and everything, even though there's no food in it, and it takes him like five minutes to realise he's eating nothing. Then he looks at me with those big, sad, brown eyes like he's saying "please feed me." Manipulative fucker, you're not telling me what to do. So if he does that I just don't feed him, that teaches him who's boss.
Hold on, Sparky, what's that you have on your mouth? Are you fucking eating my food again? Oh, that's not my food, it's just a treasured photograph of MY LOVED ONE. DAMN YOU SPARKY! YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME! OH JANE I MISS YOU SO MUCH. It's all that stupid Dog's fault, he planned it. Not that dogs are clever or anything, at least not clever like humans. They have the just right amount of intelligence required for malice.
WHERE ARE YOU, YOU MONGREL? COME HERE! TAKE THIS, AND THIS, AND ONE OF THESE!!! STOP WHIMPERING YOU BIG FAG! EAT SHOE! AW, DOES IT HURT!? WELL THAT'S HOW YOU MADE ME FEEL!! God I miss you Jane. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!
Mating
The way dogs have sex is pretty much the same as when humans have sex. The male inserts his penis into the woman from behind her, and then he just does his stuff until he's bored or she fights him off. This lasts anywhere from a couple of seconds to a minute. Like most animals, who are inferior to humans, dogs will just fuck anything. Chairs, your leg, a tree, a female dog, a male dog, my dad's face while he's asleep. Anything.
On the subject of dogs fucking anything, that reminds me another interesting story... I came home one work early one day, and Jane was nowhere to be found. "Jane?" I called out to her. "I'm home, where are you?" I went upstairs and saw that the bedroom door was shut. How odd, I thought, and went in. My face dropped at what I saw - Jane, in bed, wearing her black dress that she only ever puts on for special occasions, with a shocked expression on her face, and a figure beside her, conspicuously hidden underneath the covers. "It's not what you think!" she pleaded. Full of rage, I lunged forwards, dragging her from the bed. She fell on the floor with a cry, but I stepped over her and made my way to the figure on the other side of the bed. I was throbbing with anger, ready to kill whoever I found there. I pulled the sheets away, and there, staring back at me with brown eyes, lay Sparky.
NO! I cried. NOOO!! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEING GOING ON!?!? I felt sick, betrayed, and most of all furious.
I didn't mean to kill her. I was just so upset. Her pretty little head was so delicate, how was I meant to know that her brain was going to haemorrhage so easily? OH JANE, I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME, I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! I PROMISE. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH. YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME!!!
And it's all that stupid dog's fault... Yeah you. How I loathe thee... How I despise your big, warm, dark eyes, always staring, following me, watching me - knowing. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! I DIDN'T KILL HER, IT WAS YOUR FAULT! YOU! STOP IT!!
LEAVE ME ALONE!! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!
In conclusion
Consider getting instead of a dog
Species
- Furry: African giraffe • Baby Seal • Bear (Polar • Bipolar) • Cat (Daemonic • New Hampshire Merchant) • Elephant • Furries • Gazelle • Human • Otter • Sheep • Skunk • Slender Loris • Moose
Feathery: Birds • Chicken • Homing pigeon • Kingfisher • Peacock
Scaly: Corn snake • Fish • Goldfish • Salmon
Culture
- ...in history: Bucephalus (horse) • Great Elephant Revolt (2011) • Jaws did WTC • St. Peter's Basilica (reptile)
...in sports: Cow tipping • Kitten hurling battle • Kraft Dinner (horse) • Rough Gay Wolf Sex • Seal Clubbing • Water Polo... With Sharks!
- Slimey: Blue-ringed octopus • Frog • Pond Whales • Salamander • Sturgeon • Uterus
Creepy crawly • Ant • Cockroach • Lobster • Spider • Sun Bee • Wallet moth
Other: Balloon Animals • Gazebo • Grue • Toaster • Snipes • Womp
Media
- ...in science • Antbortion • An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters • Crypto-Zoology • Kinsey Report No. 3: Sexual Behavior in Hamsters • Tapheselachophobia • Whale bones
...as food: • Easter Bunny • Firesheep • Frog Semen • Kittens
...as... huh? • Kitten Huffing
Media