Derren Brown
“It's not Darren, it's Derren”
“Hi, I'm the uh, wallet inspector.”
“It's definitely landing on 8 black. Definitely. I'm certain of it.”
“In Soviet Russia, lottery predict you!!!”
“Fucker turned me gay for the night”
Derren Brown (not to be confused with Darren Blaine or Darren Brown) is an English psychological illusionist, crook, and mind-hacker. His existence, as it is, is a huge conspiracy, debated by philosophers and conspiracy theorists and losers with nothing better to do alike. One theory is that he is actually a pigeon. Another theory is he is the love child of the world renowned magic duo Daniel Pauls and David Copperbottom.
Another states that he is merely a companion to all pigeons. In fact, there are hundreds upon hundreds of pigeon related theories regarding his existance. A popoular non pigeon-related theory states that Derren Brown is just another one of his own illusions, designed to trick us into believing he exists when he actually doesn't. I thought this was common public knowledge, but no. Although this theory does call in to question who created the illusion of Derren, if Derren is just an illusion. Which raises all sorts of by-proxy parallels with the very nature of existence. Which in it's own special way brings us back to pigeons. But enough about Derren
Derren Brown, fictional character?[edit | edit source]
It is a popular misconception that Derren Brown is a fictional character invented by Peter Parker. WTF? This stops now, and I mean now. Peter Parker can be accused of creating such horrors as Mickey Mouse, Ozzy Osbourne, and Banana. But he did not create Derren Brown! Rather, Derren would like you to believe this; the idea is one of his cunning psychological illusions. Derren has claimed that Peter Parker is in fact a fictional character himself (he calls himself Spiderman). However, people have grown wise to him and don't listen, suspecting it is some sort of subliminal message, which it probably is.
Illusions[edit | edit source]
His Own Existence (may contain embedded commands)[edit | edit source]
Must people find Brown's book known optical illusion to be his own existence. However, must buy people find must people an unreliable source. So whether just buy Derren Brown's book or not, existence is his best known illusion, is unknown (by must people). To sum it up would be to buy his book. Book seriously, he does exist!
Suicide & Resurrection[edit | edit source]
Derren Brown murdered himself on British TV, and then rose again from the dead. He did this live on Channel 4. He had intended to shock and traumatize the audience to Hell, but because of its graphic nature he had to hypnotize the viewers beforehand. He said that they would never see him murder himself nor rise from the dead, but instead they would see him failing to commit suicide. He also says "You will forget I ever told you this." Not one to be confusing, he added, "Well, not this, the sentence before this." The whole thing was only noticed by a few people; the rest of the dumbass audience fell for the illusion. This performance has been criticized by Michael Jackson. Brown himself defended the programme, saying, "Shut up." He went on to add, "It probably sounds odd, but so does Michael."
Messiah[edit | edit source]
Derren Brown travelled to the United States to try to convince five leading figures (under which George Bush and Condoleezza Rice) that he had powers in their particular field of expertise: politics, intelligence, and the epic high-fantasy novel 'The Lord Of The Rings' (which consists out of three volumes). He also asserted that he was the Messiah. Although Rice developed a crush on Brown because of this, it was shrugged off by the president.
Lottery Prediction[edit | edit source]
On Friday, 11th September 2009 Derren Brown was joined by 4 million fans as he attempted to predict the numbers of the National lottery. Derren claimed this was done using "magic n' stuff" however local authorities deemed this a lie upon discovering a shipment of 79 crystal-ball users illegally shipped from an unknown location in Mexico, all signed under the illusionists name.
Roulette Prediction[edit | edit source]
On Friday, 2nd October 2009 Derren Brown attempted to predict the where a roulette ball would land. He betted with £5000 of someone else's money and even imported specialist George Clooney to help him, but since he forgot to turn up after he was tied to the bed and robbed by a prostitute in a motel room somewhere, Derren Brown failed and lost that other person's money. That person is currently suing Derren Brown for damages because he was told he would be able to meet George Clooney at the casino.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Most famously, Derren Brown was partly responsible, along with Des Lynam for the disappearance of Sarah Whatmore live on British television.
- Derren Brown really has no idea who Sarah Whatmore is. He was partly responsible for her disappearance, albeit reluctantly.
- Derren Brown and Jesus Christ have been in a feud for about a year now. Christ has called Brown 'wicked' and to provoke Jesus, Derren aired his live show 'Something Wicked This Way Comes' right before Christmas.
- Derren Brown's Skin Control opens up the secrets of our biggest organ, the skin.
- These secrets are available on DVD and video, entitled 'Inside Your Skin'.
- Derren Brown's Cruise Control is a 1-and-a-half hour documentary about one of his many cars.
- Under the guise of a security van, Derren Brown robbed a television show.
- You will (*=forget=*)love Derren Brown, especially his (*=buy my dvds buy them all=*) live shows.
- He was taught the art of mind control by Ben "These are not the droids you are looking for" Kenobi
- If you just read this article you are already under his control.
- Derren Brown is the Current Fravtique (Pope of Ferretism)
- Derren is not gay, it is just a trick to get rid of all the girls chasing after him, he prefers to influence famous models than get with his fans
- Derren once hypnotised Chuck Norris, as a result Chuck ran up onto the stage during the Oscars thinking he had won best actor in Schindler's list. Chuck still has that very award sitting proudly in his downstairs toilet. No one has ever had the guts to tell him he wasn't even in Schindler's list.
- Derren Brown may be the only living person who can beat Chuck Norris in a fight. He would convince Norris to do what ever he wanted.
- Derren gained his magical powers shortly after meeting Lord Voldemort during a game of poker.
- Derrens highly anticipated autobiography, titled "Pick a card, any card. No - not that one" is due for release late 2010
