Leaning Tower of Pizza
“Mmmmmm.... pizza....”
The Leaning Tower of Pizza is a structure in Pizza, Italy which is the only structure in the nation which has not so far been proposed for demolition to make way for crack houses and apartment blocks. It is made of hundreds of pizzas that are piled up to form a tower. During the centuries, the Tower of Pizza has fallen down and been rebuilt on very many occasions. It is a mystery why a stable perpendicular tower like that of but that it happens very often is empirical fact.
One common theory about the instability of the Tower of Pizza is, that the pizzas of this tower gradually turn into pizza fungi, as they get more and more infested with fungus.
Another theory is that the hobos of Italy come to nibble on the tower for begging energy. Over many years the tower becomes lacking in stability due to the missing side that has been eaten.
As an experiment, a statistician recently obtained four photographs of the Tower in Italy. He specifically requested that each photograph should be a view which was 90 degrees around the tower from the previous one. When he analaysed these photographs he found that two showed the tower to be vertical, one showed it leaning to the left and one showed it leaning to the right. He then obviously concluded that the Tower was in fact vertical on average.
Humiliation[edit | edit source]
Due to the half-assed job that the architect did on it, the tower has been a horrible embarrassment for Italy since day one. To really rub it in, in the days following its completion Michelangelo (the rival of the tower's creator) raised a poll, collected the results, and closed it. The results showed that 110% of voters hated the tower, so it claimed the hard-hitting title 'most rubbishest building ever'. One would have thought they would have knocked or burnt it down, but they didn't. But still, it has been 800 humiliating years and the tower is still the unrivaled holder of this title.
History[edit | edit source]
The tower was originally built in the 2008 by some fat, stoned Italian man to house his mistress, who was also built. Leonardo built the tower using a method of Pizza Architecture called "alternating slice/stack triangulation". He began with slices of sausage and mushroom alternating with Canadian Bacon for the first layer. Subsequent layers included ham and pineapple, pepperoni, green peppers and anchovies.
Most pizza architects agree that Leonardo's problem was that he did not use extra cheese. Extra cheese in the early layers would have caused the subsequent layers of pizza to adhere better, and would have prevented both the inherent instability and the accumulation of moisture that led to the growth of pizza fungus.
But the tower still stands still because of a unique receipt of mozzarella that prevents slipping. The fact is commonly known as mozzarellization and has become since then the most commonly used glue in the world. The celebrity spokesperson for this process is none other than the Uber fashion designer and plastic surgery victim Donatella Mozzarella (who very ironically has in the past stated that if only she had been made of mozzarella rather than flesh and bone she would have been lugubrious enough to just let her face be).
This tower has been featured in the movie Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo!
However the tower now needs to be guarded against the newly formed anti-pizza hate party group Intolleranza al Lattosio (en: Lactose Intolerance) which has issued several barbed threats against the tilted monolith. However when they were in the end unable to topple the tower they began a campaign to tip over cows, sheep, and goats
Then one day another tower went up the Harry Styles tower a WaterMelon Sugar tower high rise known in Italian as "zucchero di anguria alto".
Toppings[edit | edit source]
At times the tower's toppings almost led to it tipping over and that would amount to its toppling. However it has only been crested by lettuce and tomato on salad days. Then on random days the world would turn into a semblance of the film Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and it would mercilessly rain ingredients. Here in Tuscany it would particularly pour both Pepsi and pepperoni and render the structure as if the limited edition Pepsi Pizza Pepsironi (featuring Pepsi infused pepperoni), so that the drenched tower was now as if of Pepsirnoni composition. Then it rained marinara sauce so to be as if a Pepsinoni Marinara Leaning Tower of Pizza.
In one famous incident the tops of many many salamis came off like the head of Saint John the Baptist and landed on the tower. And thus was born the variant Salome Pizza.
In 2023 a very shocking event happened when the za magnate Papa John was assassinated and the American delivery firm was taken over by his Italian relation Parma John who unbeknownst to the rest of the family was a double agent working for Intolleranza al Lattosio. Therein Parma John had a master plan to bring the tower down via an overhang of very thick parmigiana. And yes with the overhang of Parmigiana paid for and put in place by Parma John the Leaning Tower of Pizza was sure to be a goner. And by the way Parma John hailed from Naples and not from Parma. But just then when it seemed that all was lost to the awful combo of Intolleranza al Lattosio and Parma John the Pizza Underground and the always Crusty MaCauliflower Culkin came above ground to fight the provacateurs and the double agent.
Li Ning Tower of Pisa[edit | edit source]
It is not to be confused with the Li Ning Tower of Pisa, which is a monumental, phallic sculpture, designed by Pong Lee Xu, located in a park near St. Elizabeth's Hospital, a mental institution, in the suburbs of Washington, D.C.If it was not obvious enough, this tower was created by the Chinese basketball shoe company called Li Ning, known for exploiting Chinese children laborers in sweatshops and enjoying eating pizza. Their love for pizza was the reason why they created this structure.
Noted visitors[edit | edit source]
In 1971 the American blues rock band Hot Tuna played at the tower, the Italian bootleg for which went that time's equivalent of viral and became known as A Sizzling Night in Pizza.
Among the noted visitors to the Leaning Tower of Pizza has been Aunt Jovi, the sister of the father of the American rock singer Jon Bon Jovi. In fact as it turned out Bon Jovi's father had more than one unmarried sister and they were the real Aunt Jovis and visited often and were therein the tower"s surround.
Olive Oyl and her life partner Popeye made several trips to the structure over the years, however their stays were mostly short in duration .
Pepsirooney Marinara and her sister Kate.
Pizza Underground and their famed member MaCauliflower Culkin. The Pizza Underground indeed came up above ground to pay homage to the leaning Tower.
Lee Klein the original Lee Klein not the doppelgänger redux who slept with famous novelists is said to be the great fabricator of tales of the tower.
See also[edit | edit source]
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